Hi, my name is Eve and I feel ancient.

There’s nothing new that I’ve had my thumb and index finger go numb a couple of times a day, it’s been happening ever since I wrote my thesis back in 2012, but has gotten worse since we moved in February.  But since this is nothing new I just assumed it would go away sooner or later, it always did.

The numbing did go away for a while and everything seemed to be fine, but a week ago a sharp pain presented itself on the outside of my elbow and soon after the numbing came back. I didn’t think much of it, sometimes the depression makes itself known through pain in different parts of my body so I just left it be and hoped that it would go away on it’s own.

Two nights ago though, I was woken up by this shooting, white hot pain in my arm. Even though I went up and took some pain killers it still took a long time for me to be able to go back to sleep as the pain never seemed to subside. That same day I called the local health centre to see if something could be done. The nurse who took my call gave me an appointment for the next day (today), to see someone who was educated and worked with muscle and exercise physiology.

It was a quick visit, no more then 30 minutes. The woman I got to meet said it was a clear case of carpal tunnel syndrome, a rather far progressed one at that as I’ve been living with this for such a long time, and a mild case of tennis elbow. They don’t connect with each other but both cause pain and loss of strength in my arm. I got two bracers from her. One to wear during the day, for the elbow, and one to wear during night, for the hand and wrist. I also got some light exercises to do a couple of times a day for both the hand and elbow.

But carpal tunnel syndrome and tennis elbow? That’s ailments that I’ve exclusively assign to an elderly person. I mean, I turn 34 in a few months and I jokingly say I feel old sometimes. God knows I’ve been through more then my share of crap long before I even was considered an adult. But still, I don’t feel old. Until today. I know it’s silly, things like these aren’t for old people alone, anyone can get these problems. But still, it was a weird feeling I couldn’t shake off.

Regardless, I’ve been using my elbow bracer for the whole day today and it has been of great help already. It has this construction that it puts a mild pressure on the muscle that is causing the pain. She said it could take a few weeks for it to reach full effect but that I pretty soon will feel some pain relief.

The hand though, she wasn’t sure she could correct it with a bracer alone since it’s been over a year since my thumb started hurting and going numb. She instructed me to wear the night bracer anyway for the six weeks we’ve got until my next appointment. If it has gotten better, then great. If not, we’ll talk about possible treatments then. The body needs time to work through it, there’s no stressing it on getting better.

Right now though I just feel so tired. It’s been a long day for sure and it feels like I could just go straight to bed and fall asleep instantly. Got a long day tomorrow as well, but it will be filled with streaming and table top RPG:ing in the evening. Hopefully that won’t be as draining as this day has been.

Billowing thoughts

I’m still waiting for that feeling of chock to hit me like a brick, but it never comes. We’ve passed our old apartment a couple of times when we had business in our old city, but neither of us feels a thing. T didn’t really expect to feel anything, it’s just the way he is, but that I should gaze upon my old fort and feel nothing? It’s unsettling since I had such an important connection to the place. It has made me realize that perhaps it wasn’t the location that made it my safety net.

Regardless, I took a short walk in the new neighbourhood today. I didn’t get struck by lightning but when I was on my way home again the thought hit me, I live here now. A calm feeling settled over me after that as I rounded the corner and got the house in view.

Slowly, ever so slowly we’re dipping our roots into this place. The news for this week is that paintings have made it up on our walls and that I also bought, adjusted and hung curtains in the living room/kitchen. All paintings haven’t been hung yet, who knew it was so hard to predict where each and everyone belongs? But I’ll let it take the time it needs, it’s important for me that it feels right. Not just with the paintings but with everything.

I’ve been quite worried, unconsciously, about how I would come to terms with living here. We had no way of knowing how it would feel, if it would be a disaster or a smashing hit, no backup plan should everything go down in flames. This was our one and only option, we put all our eggs in the same basket so to speak.

But I have had no problems at all so far. I fall asleep quickly at night and I sleep soundly, not waking up at all during the night. The depression is still there. I still struggle getting up in the morning and often loose that battle. I’m still exhausted beyond belief, to the point where I don’t have energy left over even meeting a friend or inviting someone in.

The local Fire Safety committee rang the doorbell earlier today (to inform about the plan of action, should a fire break loose in the building) but the anxiety that came from the sound of the doorbell made me so uneasy I felt like I was about to throw up, opening the door was out of the question. Of course, I had these issues at the old place as well so.. nothing new there. Luckily T was home and could answer the door.

But I’m trudging along. Getting to know the local area, seeing the place slowly come to life as the weather gets warmer and the snow has all but melted. Soon the grass will be green again and the trees will once more sprout leaves. I’m looking forward to our first year here, discovering how it is to live here during spring, summer and fall. To taking the bike out again and maybe even go for a ride together with T. This new city have excellent bike paths and it’s rather easy to travel like that.

But honestly.. the first time I went for a tour earlier this week I was so shaky I should have gotten some kind of medal for being able to keep the darn thing upright and not fall over on the gravel. I haven’t been on a bicycle since I was like 15.. that’s 18 years ago. The saying “It’s like riding a bike, you never forget” might be true, I did remember how to ride it, but it was not without fearing for my old bones and if they could stay intact should I fall on my face. Oh well, I look forward to learning this again, to wearing my neon green helmet and zoom from one side of the town to the other 🚴🏻💨

About IKEA and my visit there today

As much as Swedes like to joke about our flat packages and meatballs, there’s a reason to why that is. At the end of the day, many of us still visit IKEA from time to time to buy an assortment of stuff. They have, for example, really cheap kitchen-ware with a huge range and carries everything from plastic, metal or wooden options. And if you are prepared to pay a little more for it you can get pretty decent quality for your money, not everything is a rickety Billy bookcase.

They also sell these really handy basic start packages with like 6x of everything (plates, bowls, mugs, glasses, knifes, forks and spoons) for a fairly small sum, these are rather popular with people who have moved to their first own place pretty recently. I, for one, was given one of these packages the very first time I moved to my own place.

The closest IKEA to us is still like an hour and a half away so I don’t go there every week, I usually pool up on things I want and make one large trip instead of several small ones. I also often try to buy locally before I turn to IKEA as a way of supporting the stores that are closer to us. But, at times I do like to make a visit to this gigantic home department store. My visit today was sparked by the fact that they had curtains I really liked and wanted to put up in our living room/kitchen area, but while I was there I got a bunch of other stuff as well. They have surprisingly good linen and I found a very nice wooden cutting board.

I will be hunting down a few items I skipped while in IKEA. I had planned on buying curtain rods and fittings there but I ended up only buying the rods. They have changed their fittings and I don’t like the new ones.. but I did see the exact same ones that we already have in a local store instead so I will try my luck there. I also need to adjust the length of the curtains so I will have another adventure with my sewing machine.. but with some patience I will solve that too.

After I survived the ordeal that is IKEA (let’s face it and call it for what it is) I met up with a friend, had a nice lunch and went to the town’s local spa. We do that sometimes, they have this fantastic indoor pool that always stays at 35C (95F) and a bunch of different saunas you can visit when you’ve had your fill of the pool. It’s very relaxing and a nice way to catch up with my friend as well. We don’t see each other that much any longer, it was easier to stay in touch when me and T still went to school in that town. But whenever my friend have time off and I can match that, we’re soaking in the pool and talking about everything between heaven and earth.

It was a nice day overall. I’m insanely tired from all the socialization and being out shopping with so many people around me all the time. I will hit they hay directly after I’m done here, I’ve had a long day and tomorrow will be a whole other adventure.

Unexpected, but most welcome, guest

T’s grandmother, L, called today. I had my phone on silent so I missed the call (as everything annoy me at the moment I save a lot of energy by not hearing every little thing going on), but I had T call her back as my brain was nothing more then mush this morning. She wanted to come and visit us at our new apartment but she also asked (read: demanded) that we took a trip to the grocery store so she could stock our fridge and cupboard up. This means we go shopping and stock up on foodstuffs and she picks up the tab in the end and pays it for us.

This have happened before, mostly when we were low on money some 12-13 years ago, but since we got a better financial position we hadn’t done that for quite some time, save for once just before the holidays in December last year. Once we had moved I thought we had seen the last of trips like these, but obviously I was wrong. It is still very nice even if we don’t walk on our knees or needs for anything directly. It help us out quite much and the difference can be seen on the savings account at the end of the month.

She’s also of the opinion that she’d rather spend her money on us now then save it for when she dies (and it goes out as inheritance) as she likes to dote on her grandchildren and make sure we are cared for. Now, I’m not technically her grandchild but she counts me in as one anyway, knowing some details from my past and seeing how I care for the apple of her eye.

So even if my thoughts didn’t make any sense at all today and I slurred quite a lot from the tiredness, we still made it to ICA Maxi, met up with L, did the shopping and then invited her to view our apartment to get some fika. She is somewhat invested in the apartment project so we both felt that we didn’t want to deny her her wish of coming to visit. She was quite impressed though and exclaimed “That’s so exclusive!” several times as we showed her around. At the end she summarized it all by stating that she thought we had made a good deal.

We are still holding off with the housewarming fika as we are still missing the dinner table and chairs. But I guessed that some would want to come visit before that point as it’s still another 8 weeks until they arrive. But that’s fine, it gives me time to fix the last details such as curtains in every room, hide the PC cables and maybe even get some patio furniture. The last thing there have really not been far up on the “need to get”-list, but ever so slowly we’re getting down to these “quality of life”-items as well as we have crossed off all the “can’t live without” and “would be good to get pretty soon” items.

Taking a few days off

As expected , I’m very worn from the stress of moving. I’ve gotten through the headaches and the physical pain (sore muscles) but the mental tiredness are still active. That’s the one that always takes the longest to work through and get on the right side on. I knew it was coming, but you can never really prepare for exactly how affected you will be. The only thing you can do is try to be honest with yourself and give yourself the time that’s needed to get back on track.

I’ve therefore decided to take a few days off over Easter. The days off are both from streaming and meeting people/socializing in general. I hadn’t planned on the break, but with T going through a common cold and just being home has made me realize just how much I’m pushing myself. I want everything to be perfect from the get-go, but that’s a very dangerous goal to keep for extended periods of time. It’s so easy to burn yourself out and loose that drive that keeps you moving forward.

So, for the coming days I will spend some time with T and playing some co-op game we both wants to play (most probably Diablo 3). I will not lift a finger on the things that still needs to be done in the apartment during these days so I can return fresh and boosted with energy (hopefully).

Settling into the new apartment

annoyed onyxia
As a “I’m sorry” for messing up my streaming hours I posted a picture of a slightly annoyed Onyxia om my social medias. I’ll share it here too as a “I’m sorry I don’t write much atm”.

There really isn’t much happening in our lives right now. There’s mostly peace and quiet while we get used to living in this new space. I’ve noticed a peak in my willingness to cook for us since I’ve gotten to know my new kitchen. I’m still kind of playing it on the safe side, trying and testing just how much I can deal with, but I’ve really come to love bustling around in the kitchen space. Everything is so thought out and the new appliances have so many smart functions I can’t really let it go just yet.

Other then that, our new computer chair arrived the day before yesterday (good grief, they’re amazing!) so now we’re only waiting for the dinner table + chairs to be delivered. They will most likely not be delivered until the end of May, so we have roughly another 8 weeks or so to wait. I’m hoping they will get here earlier but something tells me we will have to wait the full time for it since it’s a custom made table.

We’ve also planned for the space a little more by now. We have agreed on curtains for the living room and kitchen areas and how to solve the ugliness of a thousand cables hanging about, cluttering the computer area. I just need to go to our local IKEA to pick up the fabric and then spend a little time by my sewing machine to alter the length of the pieces.

But since we got our wardrobe area sorted out with boxes and shelves we have officially unpacked everything and gotten rid of the cardboard boxes! Silly as I felt, I was almost in tears (of happiness) as I got to the last clothes box, but it felt that good. We still haven’t hung any of the paintings but I’m still pondering where to put it all and I want to have figured that one out before I start hammering the walls.

To be more egoistic

I’ve been told again and again that I should “be more egoistic” and think of myself more. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I have no idea what to do with that piece of advice. Am I to follow every whim I get? Should I take foot-bath’s more often? Do I need to treat myself to a chocolate muffin every Tuesday and a facial every 25th? The answer seem to be both yes and no at the same time.

I am a person who puts the need of her loved ones above everything else. I’ll drop whatever I have going on if T needs something from me and I go to ridiculous lengths to ensure that he has everything he needs. I’d like to believe it would be the same with my dad, but I have never had an emergency with him so I don’t really know how I would react. I used to drop everything for mother as well for most of my life, but as you might already know, our relationship is non-existent and I haven’t spoken with her for several years by now.

Some even say I spoil my husband rotten, caring for his needs as closely as I do. But, I do get something in return. This is not one-sided as some might seem to think. But it keeps coming back to that this egoistic thing should be something I do for my own sake. That I should pay more attention to my own needs and not put other people before my own well being.

But here’s the thing: I like caring for my loved ones. Like, I feel very pleased or happy when I’m able to help someone out or be able solve a situation regardless if it’s holding their hand in a crucial moment, walking their dog or help them with their studies. And to be honest, in some cases this is fine, when it doesn’t infringe on my own mental health. But drawing that line, when it’s alright and when it’s gone on too far, is so extremely hard for me to draw. To make it even harder it also differs from case to case and day to day.

I know it’s not about chocolate muffins or foot-bath’s. It’s a figure of speech meaning I need to focus on my own needs more then I normally do. But having grown up and being raised as someone who should focus more on other’s then myself, this is a hard lesson to learn. I keep having to relearn it and at times I’ve wondered if I will ever learn it. There are so many greedy people just waiting for the right opportunity and when you don’t know where the line is youself, it’s hard to reinforce it.

But, from time to time I do try to do stuff for my own sake and at times they are physical things. Like now, when I’ve soaked my feet in hot water and put on these extremely ridiculous exfoliating socks. I suck at being consistent with things like filing down hard skin so a long-term solution like this are some of my favorites. Later on I also plan on putting in a hair mask and one of those silly sheet masks that’s supposed to do wonder. I don’t expect any wonder, I just want the feeling of luxury that comes with these things. After that I’ll go wild and have a cheese sandwich and maybe even a yoghurt before I turn in for the night 🤣

Jokes a side. How do you learn to listen in to your own needs?