To be more egoistic

I’ve been told again and again that I should “be more egoistic” and think of myself more. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I have no idea what to do with that piece of advice. Am I to follow every whim I get? Should I take foot-bath’s more often? Do I need to treat myself to a chocolate muffin every Tuesday and a facial every 25th? The answer seem to be both yes and no at the same time.

I am a person who puts the need of her loved ones above everything else. I’ll drop whatever I have going on if T needs something from me and I go to ridiculous lengths to ensure that he has everything he needs. I’d like to believe it would be the same with my dad, but I have never had an emergency with him so I don’t really know how I would react. I used to drop everything for mother as well for most of my life, but as you might already know, our relationship is non-existent and I haven’t spoken with her for several years by now.

Some even say I spoil my husband rotten, caring for his needs as closely as I do. But, I do get something in return. This is not one-sided as some might seem to think. But it keeps coming back to that this egoistic thing should be something I do for my own sake. That I should pay more attention to my own needs and not put other people before my own well being.

But here’s the thing: I like caring for my loved ones. Like, I feel very pleased or happy when I’m able to help someone out or be able solve a situation regardless if it’s holding their hand in a crucial moment, walking their dog or help them with their studies. And to be honest, in some cases this is fine, when it doesn’t infringe on my own mental health. But drawing that line, when it’s alright and when it’s gone on too far, is so extremely hard for me to draw. To make it even harder it also differs from case to case and day to day.

I know it’s not about chocolate muffins or foot-bath’s. It’s a figure of speech meaning I need to focus on my own needs more then I normally do. But having grown up and being raised as someone who should focus more on other’s then myself, this is a hard lesson to learn. I keep having to relearn it and at times I’ve wondered if I will ever learn it. There are so many greedy people just waiting for the right opportunity and when you don’t know where the line is youself, it’s hard to reinforce it.

But, from time to time I do try to do stuff for my own sake and at times they are physical things. Like now, when I’ve soaked my feet in hot water and put on these extremely ridiculous exfoliating socks. I suck at being consistent with things like filing down hard skin so a long-term solution like this are some of my favorites. Later on I also plan on putting in a hair mask and one of those silly sheet masks that’s supposed to do wonder. I don’t expect any wonder, I just want the feeling of luxury that comes with these things. After that I’ll go wild and have a cheese sandwich and maybe even a yoghurt before I turn in for the night 🤣

Jokes a side. How do you learn to listen in to your own needs?

The silence

At times, I loose my words. It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. It seems to occur whenever it’s been too much and I’ve shut down mentally more then once in a short time. It often comes along with a weird silence in my brain. It’s seldom silent in my brain, I always think of something, big or small. More then not the thoughts are travelling 320 km/h (fast as fuck) and I even have a hard time keeping up with them at times. But lately? Mostly silence and a loss for words. No, not loss.. it doesn’t feel like I’ve lost anything. Just.. silence.

Weird as it might sound, I do enjoy short periods of this state. The only time I ever get a break from my fast moving thoughts is when I go hypomanic and even then only brief moments of respite before whole other kind of madness takes place. I guess this comes along with a noticeable decrease in my anxiety levels, like I no longer have anything to worry about. But.. that’s not true. I know the anxiety still lingers back there, just waiting to take the scene again. It’s more a defence mechanism then anything else I think.

So, I’m sorry there’s a lack of posts here lately, I’ve been thinking about how to explain it, but it’s been strange. There has been so much new impressions and chores that I’ve had to get to that I haven’t known how to express myself in the middle of it all. But it’s not something that is completely new and unheard of, these bouts of silence have come and gone, the words always comes back.. eventually. In the meantime, I’ll try and enjoy my brain trying to give me a break from myself.

Beware! Insanity inside


I met with my doctor TL today, the one I’ve had for over 10 years by now. I met with her to talk about the verdict I’ve gotten from Försäkringskassan. My doctor and me are of one mind in this, still.. her expertise and the reality I live with wasn’t enough to have Försäkringskassan take a decision in my advantage. My anxiety was riding high at the meeting, even though I knew TL’s opinion.

She was chocked that my level of Quetiapine was so very high (I can adjust them myself within limits, based on what my mood are), but since I wasn’t out of the range, she wasn’t mad or anything like that. I told her like it was, about my nerves and my inability to sleep and how I had been affected by both the letter from Försäkringskassan and the recent move. My doctor is a Russian lady and whenever she curses on her mother tongue the room feels electrified and I almost expect sparks to come flying. I both love and fear it. Mostly love it, she doesn’t curse at me, just over the general situation we happen to find ourselves in.

Either way, I’m sending an appeal and she’s in contact with them on her end. She does what she can and I have an enormous respect for her, I always feel like I’m a person when talking to her, an individual with thoughts, feelings and fears. She’s someone who knows me better then most people and she’s a highly skilled professional with several degrees specializing in mental health issues. I get that she’s frustrated with the administrators that often act like they know better then the medical personell.

But on the other hand, TL spoke about these administrators with respect today, when explaining a thing to me. She spoke about how hard the administrators job had become with the changes that our society have seen during the past years. And I share her view, I understand that they are just doing their job. It’s not something personal against me. That is why I need to calmly write out my appeal and level with them here. Calling in shouting and screaming will take me nowhere. Using their form, language and regulations on the other hand, will do me much better.

Regardless. When I sat down to start write the appeal the anxiety came rolling over me like opening a floodgate. I wrote two useful lines in 20-25 minutes, after that I just sat staring at the form. I think I sighed, because soon T intercepted me and hugged me tightly. When he did, I started crying from the anxiety.

I saved my work and shut it down for the evening. I’ll tackle it again tomorrow and again and again if needed. It takes a lot out of me to do this, I wish I could hand it over to someone else. But I can’t. I have to write this if I want them to see the pain, the depression, the insanity. But I hate thinking about it like this. I hate saying that I’m insane when I really mean it to the word’s fullest extent.

The calm have settled

So, it came to my attention that my page wasn’t showing as the should. Apparently it was temporarily suspended because they wanted me to verify my e-mail. The thing was, I had the blog and it’s domain connected with a mail adress I no longer used. Not until I mailed support, asking what was wrong, was I informed that I needed to take some action. Suddenly it said on my stats page that there were an issue with the site 😒 Oh well, it seems to be solved by now. That’s all that matters.

In other news we have finally had our first really free weekend where we didn’t have to go somewhere or even have anything planned. My mood is still swinging wildly. I still get so exhausted at times that I feel light-headed and have to sit down. My right hand are still sometimes numb without any real reason. The cats still drive me insane with hair on every possible surface and then some. But just as the cats have started to find their calmness here, so have I.

We only have two more deliveries that we are waiting for. The first one is our new computer chairs that are long over due. Especially on T’s part. His current computer chair are.. well used, to say the least. We got mine a few months earlier then his, half a year or so if I don’t miss remember, so it’s holding up a little better, but not by much. Another two weeks or so until the new computer chairs arrive, it’s gonna be so gooood.

The second delivery we’re waiting for are our new dining table and chairs. We will have to wait a long time for these. The chairs could arrive within days if we would have wanted it that way but the table is what’s taking time. The table top is in massive oak and when the salesperson said they needed to go saw the tree down she didn’t joke 😯 We are looking at having it delivered around week 21 +-1 week. But it’s well worth the wait, if we take care of it, we’ll never have to buy another table.

The mother of all heacaches

As someone who constantly have had some kind of tension and headaches or migraines growing up (and having it long into adulthood), I got so used having the headaches that I also learned what needed to be done to have them pass as quickly as possible. If I were unlucky the headache would stay for a week or more, but two or three days were more common. Nevertheless, it was always very painful and energy draining.

But since I started climbing on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs 13 years or so ago, the tension from feeling unsafe started to unravel and thus caused me much pain. I had a whole childhood worth of fears and uncertainties built up around my shoulders and neck so it took a long time to get it sorted. But eventually, it all panned out and the pain seemed to go away.

There was that whole deal with the migraines, both during this period and later, but those I always could break off with the right medication. This pain I’m talking about now was hardly ever affected by the painkillers, it was such a head splitting sensation that it just couldn’t be nullified no matter what I tried, even if I could ease it somewhat.

I knew I’ve been tensing up during the past months, but I didn’t realize just how bad it had gotten. When this hit me yesterday, I first thought it was a migraine on the rise. I quickly took my nasal spray as that was how fast it was moving, it gave temporary brief and I thought nothing more of it. But as the day progressed it soon was abundantly clear what kind of headache this was.

We were away during the evening but I quickly hit the sack once home. I had a hard time falling asleep, even though I had taken extra of my night meds. I must have slumbered but around 02.00 (2 am) the pain woke me up and had me shoot out of the bed. T hadn’t gotten to sleep yet so he half panicky tried to get me to go back to bed. In a haze I went to the first aid box we keep in the big wardrobe, I knew I had some gel that numbs locally that I used to make use of to get some kind of relief from the pain all those years ago.

Eventually I could get to sleep, but I slept badly. Waking up I felt a soreness right at the top neck vertebrae on the side that I had had the pain yesterday. I’ve taken painkillers throughout the day, the pain has threatened to break free again but I’ve kept in check like I used to. I’ve also been extra attentive to my food and water intake as that usually are a imbalance that sometimes propels the pain.

But I wished for happier days and even though the headache dominated yesterday, I still met with friends and talked RPG’s. I’m not going to DM myself any longer, but since I announced that I wont be continuing with the Mage campaign a few others have come forward, wanting to DM themselves. There was a lot of laughs and my mood.. well it wasn’t as stable as I would have liked it to be, but I was at least not fuming over nothing the whole day.

It just feels so unfair 🙁

I’m annoyed and anxious. No, more like I’m angry and anxious. I wish I could say I didn’t know what made me either of these things, but I do know. I got the verdict from Försäkringskassan a few days ago and the decision did not fall out in my favour (background on that here). I have the option to appeal and have another instance make their judgement in my case, but just the thought of it is enough to make me feel like I’m going to collapse. I need to write another statement and my doctor need to send in additional ‘observations’ of my (nonexistent) well-being and it’s such a harrowing thing to do, I just don’t see how I will have energy for it.

I had an inkling that this was going to be the case, but it’s different when it comes in a letter all formal like and have passages like “We don’t question your difficulties or problems” but still reject it because my problems isn’t specified in just the right way? The whole thing have left me feeling small and ridiculed, even though I know logically that this is as far from personal as it can get. I will just have to prevail and try to adopt the mindset I have when building my Twitch persona; It ‘s not gonna happen overnight but with time I will get where I need to be.

It’s very tiring, carrying this anger all the time. I hate that I hate the smallest things when I’m feeling like this. For example, I’m annoyed by whatever the cat is doing. It’s enough to hear either of them to have me fuming when they in reality don’t really make any more sounds then they usually do. Or like when I was pissed off by T’s sleepiness earlier when I picked him up from work or hearing him cough for the umpteenth time. But honestly, it’s his home too! He can do whatever he wants! This is usually not a problem 👿

Having someone, friend or foe, in my personal space makes me react so badly that I want to hit them square in the face. Going grocery shopping is hard, running errands is even harder. Trying not to lash out on someone I love and care for are eating whatever small energy reserves that I still had left. I just want to be myself again, I hope tomorrow will be a happier day 😢