My computer decided to kick the bucket last night in the middle of the stream. I had streamed for 2½ hours and then taken a longer break for dinner but upon returning the second time my computer started to behave strangely. Something was eating my CPU power but I couldn’t get control over it so I decided to reboot the system. My guess was that something I had left running when I went on my break might be causing some kind of leak and that perhaps this was the cause of the system slowing down to a crawl. But when I tried to restart it, it just stood there, frozen. The mouse still worked but it didn’t show any sign of processing anything. I left it for a minute or two, trying to give it a chance to shut down like I had told it to. But no, nothing. I pressed the restart button on the front, still nothing. I did a hard reset, forcing it to shut down and finally it shut down. But upon starting it up again I was only greeted by a blue screen telling me I needed to do a recovery.
I tried everything I could think of but couldn’t actually try to do a recovery or a repair since we didn’t have windows on either USB or disc anymore. So, when I ran out of things I could think of on my own I called T. He was at a friends house playing board games and even if they couldn’t think of anything that I hadn’t thought of before, the friend had windows on a USB that we could borrow. We would have solved it anyway, we have a virtual copy of windows that we used when first installing windows on our computers but borrowing our friends USB was more convenient. But I felt too frustrated and tired so I decided to give up on fixing the computer for the night and headed to our friends’ to join in on the board games.
But there’s something seriously wrong with my computer and we can’t really seem to find out what the hell it is. I have two hard drives, the main is a SSD I use for windows and the second I use to store all my stuff. The reason it asks for a recovery is because it tries to boot from the second hard drive, the one I don’t have windows on. In BIOS it doesn’t even recognize that the SSD is there. T managed to get it up and running with some haxxor skills so I at least got to go in and copy my save files (70h Mass Effect save file, thank god I got to save that one at least!) and whatever else I wanted to recover before we start to mess around with the system again, trying to get it to recognize my SSD.
Hopefully we get it to work today but we seriously need to consider buying me a new computer. Usually this isn’t a problem but since we’re saving for our new apartment every spare penny that doesn’t go into that specific savings account is something we need to adjust the closer we get to moving. T says this isn’t a problem. He know how anxious I get when there’s something I need for myself but he assured me that if I need new parts, I’ll get new parts.
Yesterday was great, like I wrote in my last post. I went to bed reeling over how much fun I have had and amazed over the low levels of anxiety even after the stream. I’m still happy today but the anxiety have caught up with me and I’m pondering if I should stream today or not. Like I’ve mentioned earlier, I tend to go in with 300% from the beginning, not being able to pace myself and therefore ending up exhausted. Usually this exhaustion shows through me either loosing interest or getting too anxiety-ridden to be able to return to whatever it was I was doing. It have happened with several things and people and it’s something I’ve been forced to learn how to handle.
I really don’t want to exhaust myself on this, but I’m also afraid that if I don’t force myself to take days off, I will. It’s silly to worry, really, I know that. But at the same time I really want to keep this up. It’s much easier to get people to watch during weekends then during weekdays. During last weekend was when I first hit double digit and I think that if I keep doing this I’ll eventually build my follower base to be able to live on this (sooner rather then later, since I got so many new followers last night).
Reading through what I’ve written so far makes me feel like I should just delete it and start over, I don’t like how unsure I sound in most of what I’ve written. But I think it’s good, mainly for myself, to have my doubts on record. That way if something feels strange or weird I’ll be able to go back and read what my thoughts were at this point. In Sweden teachers often write “LÅT STÅ!” on the black board for things they don’t want erased. The best translation that I could come up with is “DON’T ERASE!” so I’m gonna name this post just that.
Today’s stream was so much fun! I gained several followers and another streamer chose to host me! I ended up playing for much longer than I probably should have but I didn’t want to stop. During the stream I gained 5 followers and had roughly 4-5 constant viewer. Several of them chatted away with me and asked questions and gave tips.
The biggest WTF moment today was when a complete stranger jumped into chat, asked if I wanted help and proceeded to boost me sometime silly. I went from having mostly yellow gear to having 4/6 pieces in my set gear and oranges in every other slot. For several slots I also got my BIS (Best In Slot).
I’m 3,5 hour late with dinner and my voice is cracking up something bad but I’m so energized from today! I know every time wont be like this, but I can really see myself doing this. It’s a very tired but very happy Edbrards that’s heading out to pick T up. He has been out with his work buddies on after work so I have yet to tell him all about this! He might not care so much about the numbers but I know he will be happy that I’m so happy.
At times I need to sleep more then usual. It’s because of the depression and usually comes after I’ve attended some kind of social gathering. This week have been like that. I go to bed at the regular time but I sleep two or three hours longer. This usually goes away within a few days but some weeks it’s just never-ending and this is such a week. I overslept with several hours more then usual today which ended up with me running everything much later. Now, I don’t have a time frame to adapt to but it still felt so weird to try and film myself playing Zelda – A Link to the past with T sitting beside me, watching everything I do and say. I felt so uncomfortable that I had to call it a day. I’ll try again tomorrow.
Something else that was new today was me getting contact lenses for the first time in years. I’ve had contacts before but gave them up since I only needed to wear them part time, like I only needed reading glasses in the beginning. It wasn’t worth the hassle. But when I got diabetes my eye sight was severely damaged (some tiny vessels in the eye was damaged due to my high blood sugar) and aside from needing to get a new prescription I also needed to start wearing them all day every day.
I’m quite sensitive when it comes to the weight of the glasses and if they chafe or put pressure on the sides or not. To begin with I was told that I would get used to it, but that was unfortunately only partly true. At times I’m extra sensitive and not even the lightest, less intrusive frame is good enough. I usually wear glasses from the Silhouette rimless line (like Titan Dynamics) which is super light and doesn’t chafe or put pressure anywhere. But even they annoy me from time to time. So, therefore I decided to try out contacts again since I needed to go check my eyesight anyway. I’ve only worn them for four hours so far as I got them earlier today and I was recommended to take them out once I started feeling tired, but I think I’ll come to love not having glasses on my nose as often anymore.
Yesterday was not a fun day. I woke up with the sensation of not being able to breathe due to a cold that had developed during the night, leaving me with a stuffed nose. My head was hurting like all hell and my throat was not having any of it and had therefore decided to shut down almost completely. I had almost no voice at all during the whole day, not that I got much said anyway in between the sneezing and coughing. I had to rush to the pharmacy to buy some cold medicine and then to the grocery store to buy something that didn’t kill my throat when swallowing it. I would have waited until T came home but if there’s something that makes me panicky it’s not being able to breathe through my nose.
So, instead of streaming I decided to film myself playing Cluckles’ Adventure without commentary, like a walkthrough, showing where to find all the chicks and how to beat the levels. But if I’ve learned anything these past weeks it’s to never trust your captured material until you’ve checked it, at least thrice. So, after filming for 20 or so minutes I went back and double checked that the video was free of lag and other similar chinks. And it was fortunate that I did, the first 20 minutes were riddled with laggy spots and the audio was not in sync with the video for some reason. I must have tampered with some settings, it didn’t run smooth at all. I threw it all away and started over, it was easier then try and solve all the issues with the vid. But even if I had fixed the sound, you can’t really do anything with a laggy video anyway. But once I had started over and double checked so it sounded and looked good, things went smoothly.
I don’t know how much energy I’ll have today. I’m still tired after the weekend and the cold haven’t gone away, even if I’m way better off today compared to yesterday. I’m torn between taking the day off or filming more Cluckles’ Adventure. I’m thinking that it wont be that tiring to just play without saying anything. I guess I’ll have to do what I always do when I’m unsure – start doing it and see how it feels. If it feels fine, then there’s no problems. If it doesn’t feel fine, I haven’t really lost anything.
Living in Sweden have many pros but probably just as many cons. One of the cons is the weather. When I got up this morning I was greeted by a small ray of sunshine, but once I had eaten my breakfast and was headed to the optician it had started raining. While driving to town it started to hail. Once I was done at the opticians and was headed home, a mix of snow and rain was falling from the sky. And glancing out right at this moment I see it’s still snowing ever so lightly… not okay. But being a Swede, born and raised in northern tip of this country, I’m used to snow on my birthday in the middle of June. Insane, I know. There’s a reason as to why I moved far, far south – not having to deal with snow in June is one of them. Even if it is snowing lightly now, it will melt soon. But many here are rejoiced by the snow, whenever it snows (disgusting I know ;P ), but I’m not one of them. I always curse under my breath when the weather is like this and solemnly swear that I will go into hibernation next year like the bears do. “Stop complaining and move somewhere else then!” some exclaim. Believe me, if that was an option, I would.
During one of the streams this weekend I hit double digit in visitors! At the very peak of the stream on Saturday I had eleven unique visitors hanging about on my channel at Twitch. I even had them for about 40 minutes which means they stayed for a while and watched me before moving on. Eleven isn’t that much in the grand scheme of things, I know, but it felt huge. I remember in the very beginning, like two or three days after I had started, when a total of four and then seven people made me a nervous, stuttering wreck. I’m looking forward to seeing how I learn to handle a growing follower base and how it affects me. Speaking of which, I was notified about the changes that Twitch are making for smaller streamers with their new Twitch Affiliates program. I’ve been thinking that I should apply for a partnership as soon as possible to get going. But I’ve been putting it off since it feels like I’m still way to small for them to actually accept me as a partner. But with the affiliate program I might just be able to make it sooner rather then later. I need at least 50 followers and that feels impossibly far away with only 2 followers thus far.. but hey, so did having viewers at all and streaming regularly only a month ago.
During the weekend I’ve practised socializing and pushing my boundaries as far as I could. T and I were invited to a mini convention, stretching from Friday to Sunday this weekend, privately hosted at [Game Studio] for their employees and friends. It was very cool to visit their premises and see what their work space looks like. I instantly thought I would love to work at that company. Their company culture is a rare one I think. In between the board games we played we also got a chance to try out their VR-set and we played Space Pirate Trainer for far too long. But it was so much fun! On our way home T and I discussed how we want to set up our own VR-set in the new apartment, once we have moved.
I have only one regret from this weekend and that was the time I snapped. There’s no meaning going into details, but because of anxiety and general exhaustion I got overstimulated and lost control of my temper and thoughts. Luckily, I caught it before I embarrassed myself too much and took a much needed time out to work out the feelings and rest. T is very important for me during times like these. I wish he didn’t have to have that kind of knowledge but he knows very well what I need when situations like these occurs, so he gave me some space before coming after me. Both for him and myself I’ve promised to always try and do better next time. Even if it’s only slowly coming along, I don’t apologize for outbursts as much as I used to simply because I’ve gotten better control over myself. One day, hopefully, I won’t ever have to apologize for my temper..