Looking forwards while running backwards

Since I began with this a few weeks ago I have been thinking that I should learn to edit videos so I can publish stuff to YouTube. I downloaded a bunch of trial software’s that I thought I’d try but I’ve been so focused on the blog and claiming my name everywhere that I haven’t had time to actually try anything. Yesterday I got around to try both Bolide Movie Creator and Adobe Premiere Pro CC to begin with. Sure, BMC is entirely free but oh my god what a difference. If I’m going to keep doing this I might just pay for Adobe PPCC based only on the time it will save me with editing, it might just be worth the monthly cost. It was somewhat hard to start using the programs but after awhile I found my way around and managed it fairly well considering I’ve never done this before.

Since my surgery (see the about page for more info) I’ve somewhat isolated myself from family and friends, so whenever we get invited to a party or some other social gathering I tend to feel quite anxious before leaving the apartment. Usually this goes away once we’ve actually arrived but yesterday.. was not a good day. My husband T and I were invited to a friends birthday party, she was turning 35 so all of her family and friends were invited to this day-long thing with food and booze all around. We didn’t aim to be there until the evening but even then I was so uncomfortable I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. But for her sake we went away since I at least wanted to be at her house for a little while and wish her a happy birthday. Roughly two hours later though, T noticed my elevated levels of anxiety and on his suggestion we went home.

I always feel shitty when I can’t manage to stay for as long as everyone else, but once we got out to the car the tears welled up. T quickly managed the car and drove home while I was sobbing silently in the passenger seat. I’ve been sloppy with my exercise and it’s abundantly clear when I react like this. Luckily T knows how to handle these situations/me by now and I’m eternally grateful for him.

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