I’ve put down a schedule that I’m trying out for the first time this week. I decided that I’ll stream Thursdays to Mondays and have time off on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I think it’s important that I plan for my days off so it wont be as easy for me to burn out because I never took time off. I don’t really know if the days I’ve chosen are good or not, I suppose I’ll get a feeling for that once I’ve tested it for a while. Perhaps I’d like it more to stream Wednesday to Sundays and have Mondays and Tuesdays as my off-days.
During the morning and early afternoon yesterday I really felt like streaming though, but that was mostly because I wanted to play Stardew Valley more then anything else and since I specifically wanted to play the farm I’ve streamed, I felt like I should stream. But I didn’t, and that was probably good. I went to bed roughly 3 hours before my usual bedtime and slept for almost 12 hours.. that usually isn’t an indication that everything is fine and dandy.
So, today I’m sporting a slight headache and a really bad mood so I will make use of my day off and do whatever the hell I like to. Play a game? Probably. Watch YouTube videos? Yes! Take a long shower? Absolutely. Eat something tasty? You betcha. Spend time with T and the cats? Always. So ta-ta for now, cya all another time!
At times I grow tired of my looks and wish to do something drastic about it (let’s be frank though, most of us do). But I know I will end up a week later, longing for however I looked before I began changing whatever got in the way this time. But the need to change something are near impossible to resist in the moment. During periods of this kind of itching I’ve done everything from something small like putting highlights in my hair to dying it in the brightest most eye-piercing color I can manage to get hold of. Going for piercings and tattoos haven’t been uncommon either. I’ve had my ears, eyebrow, lip, tongue and nose pierced (some of them several times) through the years.
Now, hair dye and piercings are simple enough to have reverted if I’m unsatisfied with the result, but tattoos are a completely different thing. Being a young adult I wanted to rebel against my parents so as soon as I could, I started putting tattoos on my body. Luckily there wasn’t anything really embarrassing or bad and I ever only regretted one of them (which I’ve written at length about here). When an need to change something occurs nowadays I’m mostly content with buying a pack of hair color that you wash out a little for each time you shower or let my hair dresser trim and style it. That way it doesn’t matter if I dyed it pitch black or bright blue, it’ll wash out sooner or later. And I’ve told my hair dresser not to cut my hair too much (since I want it to let it grow long again) but she does enough to make it feel “new”.
I think it’s this state of mind that makes it so hard for me to know if I’m gonna like whatever I’ve chosen in a month or even a week, regardless if it’s for my looks or something else. The ones who saw the blog in it’s beginning surely noticed I changed the style almost everyday the first two weeks until I had to force myself to stop. I’ve also been playing around with graphics and overlays for my Twitch channel but have been hesitant to actually pay for anything at all until I know for sure that I’ve decided for real.
Yesterday though, I paid for a 3-month trial on XSplit (my streaming broadcaster) since I really liked it from the very beginning. I’ve been thinking about getting the lifetime license (it’s 65% off the rest of the year) but it feels bonkers to pay that much before I’ve thoroughly tested the software and all it’s features that gets unlocked with a paid license. If I find out that I don’t like XSplit for whatever reason after the 3 months, I’ve only spent 130 SEK (14.95$) instead of almost 1800 SEK (199$).
Today the order confirmation arrived for the changes we wish to have done on our new apartment. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to learn that I soon have a huge bill to pay.. but since it was almost two months ago since the last update on the apartment, this was very welcome.
I’m following the contractors webpage that’s building the houses and it’s very fun to see how the buildings take form and how quickly things are changing. Only a few weeks ago they were working at full speed with getting the intermediate walls fixated. When I visited their homepage today I learned that they have finished drawing all the cables to each and every apartment and that they soon are going to start working on the exterior walls.
Since we bought our apartment in the B house, “our” building is a few weeks after the updates they give on the A house. But they aren’t far apart from each other when it comes to progress and since we now got the order confirmation, things are really settling in. It’s so far away but still so very close. I’m so excited (again)!
Today is mother’s day in Sweden. I’m not a mother and since my own mother and I doesn’t talk anymore I don’t really celebrate this day with anyone. But I usually come along with T when he meets his mother and grandmother for some smörgåstårta (sandwich cake) and coffee on this day. But last year something new happened. Let me start by setting the scene.
I have a friend, lets call her Anne, and we’ve known each other for roughly 15 years, Anne is about 10 years older then me. Anne have two daughters and when I got to know Anne the oldest was no more then 2 years and the youngest was about 8 months old. So from the daughters point of view, I’ve always been in their life. Now that they both are in their late teens I’m seen as someone they can turn to if they have questions or thoughts that they don’t want to raise with their parents. Our friendship can be a bit strange for others but we’re more like a family to each other then just friends, I’ve depended on and received support from Anne many times when my own mother didn’t come through.
But I’ve never really reflected over my role in the girls life, since I’m the oldest among all my siblings it always felt natural to see them as my younger sisters if anything at all. But apparently I’ve meant quite a lot to them, so much so that they wanted to bring attention to it. Anne, me and another mutual friend of ours was invited to an event last year and the whole point of the gathering was that the girls wanted to celebrate all of the mother figures they have in their life and give thanks to the invitees.
Yesterday was the second time they did this. The youngest of the girls had also named this day to Important Female Figures In One’s Life-day (IFFIOL-day). The girls and their mother loves to bake and they had been busy indeed for this gathering. Everything on the picture below is homemade by the girls themselves.
Now, I’m not a mother and I will never be, I know that in my heart. But there’s something special about this, getting attention like that. Even if they renamed the day to something else then mother’s day, the girls still wished us all a happy mother’s day and gave thanks for the positive influence we’ve had in their lives. It melts even the iciest of hearts, like mine.
Yesterday and the day before that I started to make small changes to my Twitch channel by adding overlays, alerts and panels. I’ve looked at several pages that sell already made alternatives for ones who doesn’t have their own graphic artist or can’t do it on their own, like me. For the majority of choices I settled for the free alternatives until I know for sure what it is I want.
So far the color palette have been black and two different shades of grey (yes, only two, fifty seemed too much) with the accent color in semi dark red. It felt kind of cliché with that combination but every other combination only felt strained and not what I wanted.
I’m considering buying animated signs for stream starting, ending and BRB, like this one from TwitchGFX. But I don’t now if I really need them or if I just want them because they look cool. I’ll probably end up buying it eventually, but I think I’ll wait now.
So, at this very moment I’m re-installing about every goddamn game I own. No, it’s not that bad, but almost. Yesterday my biggest hard drive, the one that carries all my games (a 2TB HDD), decided that enough was enough and promptly crashed. Luckily I anticipated this a few weeks ago when the HDD was acting up and had therefore moved all the important files to other, more stable locations as a precaution. But once it happened yesterday I fell into a extremely bad mood and was sulking through the night. But a friend of mine, caught the brief Facebook-update I made (but later deleted) and told me she could help me out.
Said and done, we met for a fika today and I was gifted a 1TB SSD to replace the HDD that had died yesterday. A one terrabyte solid state drive!! They are quite expensive at those volumes but she and her husband insisted that I was given one as a big “thank you” for all the help and support I’ve given her with her studies and also an early “happy birthday” since that day is coming up soon as well.
I’m a bit bad at showing instant reactions like happiness and gratitude since I work hard to keep a neutral and composed front, but I hope I managed to convey just how much this means to me. I’ve been going around since yesterday with a sinking feeling in my stomach and heart and as usual, I painted the situation pitch black from the very beginning. We really couldn’t afford another expense like this so close to having bought so many other new computer parts. But with this I don’t have to worry, I can both eat the cake and still have it.
So if you’re reading this, you know who you are, thank you again!
Two weeks ago I had an revisit appointment at my optician to talk about how I felt about my contact lenses. I told him the truth, they felt fine kept for one thing, at very long distances my vision was still blurry. He hummed and nodded while I described the issue, rummaged through a box next to him and put two loose lenses over my eyes and asked if my vision was sharper now. I confirmed that it was and he quickly returned to his computer, ordering me a new pair of contacts to try out. Of course I needed their most advanced and most expensive lens since I need to correct both distances (progressive) but I also need adjustment for my astigmatism *sigh* Well, I’m my father’s daughter all right. He has the same issues, but much more severe then me.
My birthday is coming up soon.. and it comes with a complex mix of feelings that surrounds this day that comes each and every year. In the beginning I thought it was dread because I was getting older, you know the classical reaction of anxiety and panic because you age, but as the years have gone by I’ve realized the aging have very little to do with it. I have very few positive associations with my birthdays growing up and the few positive ones I do have are one’s I’ve created myself as an adult. But even if I have somewhat come to terms with the anxiety I still wish I could do something about it. I hate that I can’t push the feeling away or at least handle it better.