So, today is the dreaded day. Before 9 o’clock I had a handful of notices on Facebook wishing me a happy birthday. The days leading up to this day have been riddled with anxiety and indecisiveness. I’ve been struggling with focusing on whatever I’ve had in my hands and both longed for and feared this particular Thursday. Nothing has come in the mail but I won’t relax until the week is over. I’m of course worrying about mother contacting me, trying to strike up a conversation again.. and I’m worrying that others might not remember me.
But as per tradition me and T are going out and have dinner together today after he’s done at work. We usually celebrate by eating fatányéros (or plankstek as we call it in Sweden) at our favorite place along with some beer or wine. I will also visit my favorite second hand store to see if I can find a nice dress that I can have as my base garment for the summer. I have a few dresses that I like and sometimes use, but it has never felt natural to wear dresses for me. Still, I would like to wear dresses or skirts more often.
I’ve also held off on buying such items since it feels like a waste to pay for something that usually ends up just hanging in the closet. This also meant that when I actually do want to wear a dress, I never had one ready. But since I started going to second hand stores I’ve noticed that buying a dress or a skirt comes easier since it’s cheaper and doesn’t feel like such a waste. It also doesn’t matter if I only use the dress once since it didn’t cost that much.
T’s grandmother usually come by for a cup of coffee on my birthday, something that surprised me heavily the first years. But by now, 15 years later, I’m quite accustomed to it and even look forward for it. She never brings any big presents, flowers or make any grand gestures, it’s usually a simple card with some money attached to it and a small pastry. I contribute with the coffee, milk and sugar. Her visits is a nice distraction from my worries on this day.
I still haven’t decided if I’ll announce my birthday on the stream today. Since the anxiety has been worse this past week I’ve noticed that I feel most comfortable by just hiding away, not wanting any extra attention. I guess I’ll see how it feels once I’m actually about to start streaming.