A reminder of the past

Drama is something I’ve had enough of to last a lifetime during my childhood. My mother was very manipulative in her ways and was an expert on making you feel bad for basically everything, even if you hadn’t done anything wrong. At best, living with someone like this, you get a rocky situation. Always staying on your toes in case the carpet is snatched from underneath your feet is not a environment that breed trust and growth. I learned from my mother though and during my teens I used the same war tactics on her as she used on me. I did this to other people as well but soon learned that this was not a healthy way to get friends. Meeting T was the biggest push I ever got to stop behaving like my mother. He made me realize there doesn’t have to be any drama.

But last night, during the barbecue party, I was reminded of my childhood in so many ways. There were so much drama flying around. There were a couple in particular that was fighting that made me remember my mother’s volatile relations. But I was just a spectator to this, never a participant and I withdrew as silently I could. I did not want to be a part of this. There were also a more personal thing that made me quite sad but I’ve been thinking it through during the day and decided that I’m gonna leave it be. It’s just not worth the hassle.

When walking home with T last night I was flooded with the feeling of gratitude for having someone like him with his calmness, logic and reason. It was probably because I was pretty drunk and that what I had seen during the evening had dragged up some old feelings of a much younger me. Sure, me and T have had our fights, every couple does, but we have never made a spectacle like that. We’ve always solved our issues eventually and even from the start of our relationship we respected the other enough not to drag our dirty laundry out in the public eye.

Sitting here, writing this is kinda strange too. I have anxiety that stems from yesterday, but everything is fine in my little corner of the world. All these things have nothing to do with me. I’m not expected to do or solve anything. I can just carry on with my life. I will try and do that, but I’ll also try and remember this train of thoughts and feelings.


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