To outsmart yourself

Living with near constant anxiety leaves a big impact on how you live your life. I’ve had to cancelled many occasions due to the fact that I just want to hide underneath the covers in bed or stow myself away in a closet. It’s most noticeably when I plan things with friends. Too many times I’ve had to text them with an apology and say that my anxiety is overpowering me and won’t let me leave the apartment. Luckily, I have friends who are understanding and doesn’t make a scene about it. But that doesn’t mean I’m nice to myself, I’m usually the one who’s putting a insanely high standard towards myself then anyone else.

There are two occasions in recent memory that comes to mind: one where I had to cancel a larp (live action role play) and a visit to the local spa. The occasions where with different friends and where of different scales, obviously. The scale of the event usually don’t matter when it comes to the intensity of the anxiety, what usually matters is how early I learn of the event and if I have time to prepare myself for it. The more time I have, the better I can counter the anxiety. Anything that’s a week in advance usually isn’t a problem.

But some times there’s just never gonna be enough time, some things are burned into my memory tainted with the distinct feeling of anxiety and panic. Visiting certain cities, going to special events and so on, always brings forth specific feelings. The best I can do on these occasions is to just go anyway and pop all anti anxiety meds I have. Today is such a day, I’m off to meet a friend and then we’ll head off to the local spa to float around in their bubble pool until we look like raisins. There’s nothing to feel anxious about, but it’s still there. It has nothing to do with my friend or the thing we’re doing, I love both the person and the activity.. so I’ll just have to stomp this feeling down and go anyway. I know I’ll have a blast, I just have to overcome my own damn mind.

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