This is mainly for me to remember, sort out and try to learn something from what happened in my stream two days ago. If you don’t want to read this wall of text – skip it. I don’t blame you.
What happened before the stream
On Saturday the 19th I was having a hard time with my anxiety. It was riding high from the moment I woke up so I was on extra anxiolytic this day. To be clear, I have three different kind of anxiolytic: one that I take daily throughout the day (hydroxyzine), one that I take when needed but should avoid taking too often as it’s highly addictive (benzodiazepines) and one that I take before I go to bed each night (quetiapin). But if my anxiety is really, really bad I can take a small dose of quetiapin during the day as well. Usually though, I get really woozy/drowsy on quetiapin so I try not to take it if I need to be attentive, like when driving a car or playing a game on hardcore. But it felt so bad I took quetiapin anyway to get some relief from my anxiety so I could stream. The quetiapin didn’t really take though which means I still had kinda high anxiety in addition to also being woozy/drowsy.
In addition to understanding what my mood was like this particular day, it’s also important to understand that I grew up with an emotionally unstable, alcoholic mother who often exploited her surroundings to get her way. From before I can remember I have been taught to please people and smooth things over so no one has a reason to be angry, especially not with me. Standing up for myself and meeting conflicts is something that I still work on as an adult.
What happened on the stream
I was invited into player 1’s game. From the get go I was uncomfortable with the situation, I didn’t really feel like playing with someone who was still kind of unknown to me but with my anxiety riding me I had an especially hard time saying no, so I went with it anyway. By this point I was very woozy from the anxiolytic and had a hard time forming solid thoughts. We ran a few games and then P1’s friend joined, P2. They started talking about doing other things and I really didn’t want to do that as mushy as I was feeling. In a hurry I wrote “i’m off” in the party chat before they got going and left the game. My thought was that I would go and play something else but I really felt like playing that particular game, just not that mode. My two words was perceived as “I’m going to log off” when it meant “I’m out of this particular game”.
The following passage is what I’ve partly been told, partly experienced myself. So P2 learned from P1 that I’m a streamer and went out on my channel to follow me. He saw that I still played that game, had some emotional reaction and unfollowed me immediately. P2 tells P1 this. P1 writes in my Twitch chat “no hate pls” and then refuses to answer me when I ask what he means. I was given no other indication that someone was upset with me or any chance to explain my behaviour. A few hours later my wooziness had lifted so I whispered P1 that I was fit for fight again should he want to team up. In a row of messages I got told what I’ve just written where P1 turns it as this is all my fault since I wasn’t honest with them. He also made a very clear point of P2 insta-unfollowing me because my behaviour was so douchy. I get the feeling P1 also shares P2’s opinion.
I apologized and said it wasn’t my intent to make them angry or upset. I explained in much shorter terms that I take strong anti-anxiety meds that make me woozy/drowsy and that I didn’t want to play a hardcore char when being so inattentive. I was invited to the group again and explain it to P2 as well. I got short “np” answers but got the feeling that there was no real N in the NP, just P. I noticed that P1 also had unfollowed me on Twitch which only made it harder to stay in the group with them. This is when I involve T, like I wrote about here. I excused myself from the group, honestly said that my anxiety is acting up again and left the game, shutting the computer off completely. After I talked it through with T I removed P1 from my friends list in the game.
What T helped me see
So I’ve written about T’s help a bit but not really put words on it. T knows about my past and knows how I have a hard time to stand up for myself, particularly when it comes to saying no. He knows that when I set out to help or do something for someone, I go in 110% and damn the consequences. Some might say this is admirable, and sure it might be, but when it comes to people who exploit this? It’s just not a healthy relationship. Now, I’m not saying that P1 or P2 did this with malice in mind, they might be just as unaware of their behaviour as I was a couple of years ago, but their behaviour did trigger an unhealthy emotional response from me.
Someone who doesn’t communicate with me, doesn’t tell me when I’ve wronged them or gives me a fair chance to explain myself, is not someone I want to surround myself with. As unfortunately as it might be, I must choose my own well being before anything else and if it means cutting people out, be they IRL or online, then so be it.
What happened yesterday
P1 came into my Twitch channel late last night and seemed upset that I had removed him from my friends list in the game. He kept saying that everything was alright and that he didn’t understand why I had removed him, him from my friends list, it was P2 that had been upset with me. He wasn’t upset or angry with me, why had I removed him? I gave as long of an explanation that I felt like giving, lightly touching on how they had made me feel and summing it up in that this is how I would like it do be, this is what I felt comfortable with. I had to repeat that last bit several times before he stopped messaging me all together.
What leaves me a bit perplexed with all this is that P1 kept telling me that he wasn’t upset with me and used that as a fact to try and coax an answer from me as to why I had removed him from my friends list. Long before I removed him from my friends list though he unfollowed me on Twitch, together with his friend P2, which I took as him saying “F*ck you” and leaving. Why did he come into my chat yesterday? What was the reaction he wanted to get from me? He even involved other persons from my chat, in some attempt of making me look bad? I have no idea..
I’ve come to the conclusion that sure, I could have sent a clearer message before leaving, but it’s not something that justifies anything that ensued after the incident either. What I’m trying to learn from this episode is to be in more control of my emotions when it comes to the streams and my followers. I want to be more secure in my role and be able to solve issues without having a breakdown. I’m sure that this could have gone better and I hope that I can handle it better should it ever happen again (as it probably will).