Laughter is almost magical

It’s been a weird couple of days and my mind have been wandering off to strange places. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to keep the last blog post or not, seeing as it is kind of jumbled and all over the place. I’m sorry if it’s strange but since I was in a certain mood when I wrote it, I’m gonna keep it. It’s a part of who I am and those who know me behind the screen have seen this side of me too.

It all started with the episode the 19th of August and it sent me down a strange roller coaster of emotions which all came tumbling down on me a few days ago. I have been worrying (ever since I started) that I don’t measure up as an entertainer and are constantly worrying over the smallest (and probably dumbest) things. The childish tone of my voice, my inability to constantly talk and my looks have been a few elements among the many things I’ve been considering and obsessing about.

But my worrisome state of mind was kind of released yesterday when I picked T up from work. I was anxious as always and decided to pick him up from work and not from the commuter train as I usually do. We went to a local hamburger chain and afterwards we went to a large tool store since T wanted an assortment box to store all his dices in. While looking for the boxes we passed some really huge tools, some as tall as me (I’m 163 cm/5’3 foot, he’s 189 cm/6’2 foot) and some so heavy I could hardly even pick it up.

And T.. T did what he does best. Make me laugh. Not that forced, polite laugh but the real deal, the one that makes your stomach hurt and leave you gasping for air in the end. It was really just a bunch of nonsense like him lifting the biggest bolt cutter while giving me the smallest one saying it was the same thing regarding size and proportion. He then started stomping down the isle all while making chomping sounds as he walked in sync with his bolt cutter, searching for the assortment boxes. In the middle of the isle he turned around and waved for me to do the same thing, but with my tiny bolt cutter and I just lost it. So there we were, silly walking, roaring with laughter over a pair of bolt cutters.

It didn’t magically fix everything, but it sure made it easier to get out of bed today. My sweet love ❤ 😀

Handling Twitch unfollows and mass follows

One thing that has been consistently hard for me to tackle is when I loose followers. It’s hard not to take it personally and I really don’t feel comfortable questioning people as to why they chose to unfollow me. A couple of days ago though I was notified that some of my followers had been auto-unfollowed from my channel and was also told they had to take quite a few steps so they could re-follow me (like clearing their web browser history, reload the page and whatnot) since the follow button still showed that they were following me. I know this has been a thing on YouTube where you can sometimes be unfollowed from a channel even if you don’t actively go in to a profile to unfollow that particular person but then at least it was easy for the follower to re-follow. After some time though some of them pop into the follower list again, at the same place as they where before they disappeared, seemingly without them doing anything. I have no idea what’s up with that.

But it was with a sullen mood that I fired up the stream today (streamed early since we’re off to a party this evening). No of the persons I usually play with have been online in days so silently I sighed to myself as I started the launcher to boot up Diablo 3, wondering if I wasn’t better off just playing something else. About 2 hours into the stream I got a random host from GamingCreations for 75 (!) viewers. She had seen that I was playing hardcore as well and wanted to spread some HC-players love by hosting my channel and help me along. For the next 1½ hours the new followers kept trickling in and by the time it was time to log off I had gotten a whopping 36 followers, pushing me over a hundred.

I’m very excited for all the new faces and I hope that many choose to stay, even if I am guessing that I will loose quite a few of them over time. I’m also quite overwhelmed, 75 viewers was even more then the total of followers that I had when I got hosted and for a while my channel was alive with the buzz of a big amount of people gathered in the same space. The mass slowly dissolved but my viewer count still showed 20 watchers for a long time. And going over a 100 followers like that? Consistency is king, like T told me when I hit my first 10 followers. It might be a bit premature, but we’re heading out to a restaurant in town to celebrate my 100+ followers.

I’d like to do something special for all my new followers, like a giveaway, an extra long stream or something similar. But I don’t have any ideas on what would be suitable..

My hormone patches are back!

To my huge relief I was notified that the hormone patches are available again at the drug stores yesterday. Luckily, I had also gotten a new prescription for the patches so I would be ready for when the production started again. I was also pleasantly surprised that the prescription was for 6 months instead of the regular 3 month supply that I had gotten before. I quickly ordered it yesterday and switched back to the patches immediately. It’s gonna be a few days until my body adjusts to the patches again but I’ll happily wait out the side effects from the gel as I now know the headache will go away and the sweating will subside. I’m also hoping that my shattered mind will regain some kind of peace and quiet along with some much needed focus.

I know that the patches do a lot for my health, I’ve been educated in the matter on several occasions both before and after the operation, but over the two years that now have passed I’ve kind of forgotten just how big of a difference they really do. With my description in the earlier paragraph it sounds like some kind of miracle patches, but it all comes down to hormones. Even if I somewhat knew what my body’s reaction would be when I had to stop with the patches (switch to the gel and then switch back), it was still hard to see and understand that what was happening was all connected to hormones and mostly in my own head.

I do not look forward to when I’m actually supposed to go through the menopause, but hopefully it will be over quickly and maybe I’ll be a little more ready for what’s to come with all that have happened.

Long ass post – the streaming incident 19th August 2017

This is mainly for me to remember, sort out and try to learn something from what happened in my stream two days ago. If you don’t want to read this wall of text – skip it. I don’t blame you.

What happened before the stream

On Saturday the 19th I was having a hard time with my anxiety. It was riding high from the moment I woke up so I was on extra anxiolytic this day. To be clear, I have three different kind of anxiolytic: one that I take daily throughout the day (hydroxyzine), one that I take when needed but should avoid taking too often as it’s highly addictive (benzodiazepines) and one that I take before I go to bed each night (quetiapin). But if my anxiety is really, really bad I can take a small dose of quetiapin during the day as well. Usually though, I get really woozy/drowsy on quetiapin so I try not to take it if I need to be attentive, like when driving a car or playing a game on hardcore. But it felt so bad I took quetiapin anyway to get some relief from my anxiety so I could stream. The quetiapin didn’t really take though which means I still had kinda high anxiety in addition to also being woozy/drowsy.

In addition to understanding what my mood was like this particular day, it’s also important to understand that I grew up with an emotionally unstable, alcoholic mother who often exploited her surroundings to get her way. From before I can remember I have been taught to please people and smooth things over so no one has a reason to be angry, especially not with me. Standing up for myself and meeting conflicts is something that I still work on as an adult.

What happened on the stream

I was invited into player 1’s game. From the get go I was uncomfortable with the situation, I didn’t really feel like playing with someone who was still kind of unknown to me but with my anxiety riding me I had an especially hard time saying no, so I went with it anyway. By this point I was very woozy from the anxiolytic and had a hard time forming solid thoughts. We ran a few games and then P1’s friend joined, P2. They started talking about doing other things and I really didn’t want to do that as mushy as I was feeling. In a hurry I wrote “i’m off” in the party chat before they got going and left the game. My thought was that I would go and play something else but I really felt like playing that particular game, just not that mode. My two words was perceived as “I’m going to log off” when it meant “I’m out of this particular game”.

The following passage is what I’ve partly been told, partly experienced myself. So P2 learned from P1 that I’m a streamer and went out on my channel to follow me. He saw that I still played that game, had some emotional reaction and unfollowed me immediately. P2 tells P1 this. P1 writes in my Twitch chat “no hate pls” and then refuses to answer me when I ask what he means. I was given no other indication that someone was upset with me or any chance to explain my behaviour. A few hours later my wooziness had lifted so I whispered P1 that I was fit for fight again should he want to team up. In a row of messages I got told what I’ve just written where P1 turns it as this is all my fault since I wasn’t honest with them. He also made a very clear point of P2 insta-unfollowing me because my behaviour was so douchy. I get the feeling P1 also shares P2’s opinion.

I apologized and said it wasn’t my intent to make them angry or upset. I explained in much shorter terms that I take strong anti-anxiety meds that make me woozy/drowsy and that I didn’t want to play a hardcore char when being so inattentive. I was invited to the group again and explain it to P2 as well. I got short “np” answers but got the feeling that there was no real N in the NP, just P. I noticed that P1 also had unfollowed me on Twitch which only made it harder to stay in the group with them. This is when I involve T, like I wrote about here. I excused myself from the group, honestly said that my anxiety is acting up again and left the game, shutting the computer off completely. After I talked it through with T I removed P1 from my friends list in the game.

What T helped me see

So I’ve written about T’s help a bit but not really put words on it. T knows about my past and knows how I have a hard time to stand up for myself, particularly when it comes to saying no. He knows that when I set out to help or do something for someone, I go in 110% and damn the consequences. Some might say this is admirable, and sure it might be, but when it comes to people who exploit this? It’s just not a healthy relationship. Now, I’m not saying that P1 or P2 did this with malice in mind, they might be just as unaware of their behaviour as I was a couple of years ago, but their behaviour did trigger an unhealthy emotional response from me.

Someone who doesn’t communicate with me, doesn’t tell me when I’ve wronged them or gives me a fair chance to explain myself, is not someone I want to surround myself with. As unfortunately as it might be, I must choose my own well being before anything else and if it means cutting people out, be they IRL or online, then so be it.

What happened yesterday

P1 came into my Twitch channel late last night and seemed upset that I had removed him from my friends list in the game. He kept saying that everything was alright and that he didn’t understand why I had removed him, him from my friends list, it was P2 that had been upset with me. He wasn’t upset or angry with me, why had I removed him? I gave as long of an explanation that I felt like giving, lightly touching on how they had made me feel and summing it up in that this is how I would like it do be, this is what I felt comfortable with. I had to repeat that last bit several times before he stopped messaging me all together.

Thoughts today

What leaves me a bit perplexed with all this is that P1 kept telling me that he wasn’t upset with me and used that as a fact to try and coax an answer from me as to why I had removed him from my friends list. Long before I removed him from my friends list though he unfollowed me on Twitch, together with his friend P2, which I took as him saying “F*ck you” and leaving. Why did he come into my chat yesterday? What was the reaction he wanted to get from me? He even involved other persons from my chat, in some attempt of making me look bad? I have no idea..

I’ve come to the conclusion that sure, I could have sent a clearer message before leaving, but it’s not something that justifies anything that ensued after the incident either. What I’m trying to learn from this episode is to be in more control of my emotions when it comes to the streams and my followers. I want to be more secure in my role and be able to solve issues without having a breakdown. I’m sure that this could have gone better and I hope that I can handle it better should it ever happen again (as it probably will).

I’m in for the marathon, not just the sprint

Today’s stream came crashing down around my ears. The whole ordeal was triggered by something that happened while streaming. The details doesn’t really matter but I will try and learn something from this and hopefully I can handle similar situations better then I did today. What made it so hard was that I was so convinced that I was the one who had wronged. With tears in my eyes I called out for T, who sits just a few centimeters away from me, and told him of it all. He leaned to the side so he could see me (he got his desk behind my screen), asked me a few direct questions and then firmly told me to shut the stream down. He would not have any of it when I meekly objected that I still had 35 minutes of streaming time left. If I didn’t shut down the stream within the next minutes, he would.

So I ended the stream and shut it all down. He heard when it went silent (it still sounds like a jet plane) and came around to my side of the desk to hold me close as I continued sobbing into his chest. He talked me through the whole thing, sensible and calm as he always are, and gently reminded me to make sure nothing had ended up on the stream. It had. But I had no watcher when this happened so I quickly deleted the video so me crying isn’t something that’s left out in the public.

This.. is what I have been worrying about. It seemed like things was going so well and then I just shoot myself in the foot. I’m still not 100% convinced I didn’t do anything wrong, I need to mull it over and put some distance to it before I can feel sure of anything. But I am more sensitive, my mood have been bad the past days and if I where in a comic I’d have one of those thunderclouds over my head. My mind is scattered and I’m having a hard time focusing on things. Just forming a sentence that make any kind of sense is hard. Sorry if this text turns out weird.

But I’m temporarily removing the early streams (12.00-16.00). I’ve been feeling that they are a bit too much to chew on and I’ve already been pondering taking them down for a while. But this episode speaks volumes and I need to listen to it. I’m in for the marathon, not just the sprint.


Marital honesty – heartwarming conversation

E: “What do you think of me wearing makeup then?”
T: “It’s.. it’s different.”
E: “Different like ‘Never do that again’ or ‘I’ll get used to it?’ different?”
T: “Just.. different. I get that you do it for the camera but honey, you don’t need it.”
E: “No?”
T: “No, you’re pretty just the way you are. You don’t need a face full of makeup.”
E: “Aww.. thanks love. I promise this won’t be an every-stream thing. Besides, it takes forever to get ready with this.. I don’t know how anyone wearing makeup everyday get anything done.”

He smiles at me and return to his computer. Later in the evening when I had washed off all the makeup he turned to me coming into the living room, beamed a huge smile and exclaimed: “There’s the woman I fell in love with! Welcome home honey!”

My sweet boi ❤

I’m sleepy but got hold of a digital artist!

I hadn’t planned on it, but I slept in for a few hours today and ended up sleeping for a little more then 12 hours. Only 6-7 months or so ago I used to sleep for this amount of hours every night. But nowadays, like I wrote about in an earlier post, I try to limit my sleep to a maximum of 9 hours per night. It has worked pretty fine, of course I’m still tired some days and social interactions still drains a lot of energy from me, but it’s working good enough. Often I manage to stay awake for the whole day and get to bed reasonably early. But sometimes my sleeping pattern just runs off with me, I’m a night owl and once I pass 22.00 (10 pm) I usually can stay up most of the night if I want to. But enough about that. I’m up and awake and I’m feeling reasonably well, kept for a little headache that I hope will go away once the morning sleepiness disperse.

I finally got hold of a digital artist that actually replied and also accepted my commission. I didn’t think it would be that hard to get hold of one, in my mind it was the buyers market, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. With all the new affiliates on Twitch (me included) most digital artists found their inbox overflowing with messages from enthusiastic people wanting emotes and whatnot. Neither of the first five I sent a message to gave an answer at all, which left me wondering if I should try to contact more artists or simply wait another week.

But what if several accepted at the same time? How would I determine who was to get the job then? I thought a little about it and decided on “first come first serve”. Even if I hadn’t sent out a request to all of them at the same time, it seemed most fair that the first one to answer was the one who landed it. An answer was missing from all of the ones I contacted last week so I looked up more artists yesterday and sent out a new request. A few hours went by and I got a positive response. She accepted and told me she’s working on another customers commission but as soon as she’s done with that, she’ll start on mine.