Today’s stream came crashing down around my ears. The whole ordeal was triggered by something that happened while streaming. The details doesn’t really matter but I will try and learn something from this and hopefully I can handle similar situations better then I did today. What made it so hard was that I was so convinced that I was the one who had wronged. With tears in my eyes I called out for T, who sits just a few centimeters away from me, and told him of it all. He leaned to the side so he could see me (he got his desk behind my screen), asked me a few direct questions and then firmly told me to shut the stream down. He would not have any of it when I meekly objected that I still had 35 minutes of streaming time left. If I didn’t shut down the stream within the next minutes, he would.
So I ended the stream and shut it all down. He heard when it went silent (it still sounds like a jet plane) and came around to my side of the desk to hold me close as I continued sobbing into his chest. He talked me through the whole thing, sensible and calm as he always are, and gently reminded me to make sure nothing had ended up on the stream. It had. But I had no watcher when this happened so I quickly deleted the video so me crying isn’t something that’s left out in the public.
This.. is what I have been worrying about. It seemed like things was going so well and then I just shoot myself in the foot. I’m still not 100% convinced I didn’t do anything wrong, I need to mull it over and put some distance to it before I can feel sure of anything. But I am more sensitive, my mood have been bad the past days and if I where in a comic I’d have one of those thunderclouds over my head. My mind is scattered and I’m having a hard time focusing on things. Just forming a sentence that make any kind of sense is hard. Sorry if this text turns out weird.
But I’m temporarily removing the early streams (12.00-16.00). I’ve been feeling that they are a bit too much to chew on and I’ve already been pondering taking them down for a while. But this episode speaks volumes and I need to listen to it. I’m in for the marathon, not just the sprint.