Pimp my jail

Dice jail

A few weeks ago I made a post about the dice jail that my GM had built for me. The very same night he put down a base layer of paint on it an set it out to dry. Some time later T brought it home with him so I could decorate it before the next Pathfinder RPG session (T and the GM is good friends so they often get together and play board games at the GM’s house since he has a tonne of games).

As I’ve mentioned before, I have no real tools for this kind of work but I still find it fun and rewarding to create something with my own hands. I made do with a silver pen, a permanent black marker, glue and some random pieces of paper for the “DICE JAIL” sign. I colored the sign black and distressed it with a regular nail file before I glued it onto the bars. Coloring and shading of the bars was made by first putting down a layer of silver ink, let it dry, use the black marker and then quickly dry the black ink off before it set completely to make it look old and used.

During last nights RPG session I got to use it a few times for disobedient dices and it works! We had a six sided dice that only rolled ones and after a few rounds in the jail it only rolled sixes 😂

Thoughts about my sick leave

I’ve been on sick leave since 5th of January 2015, meeting with my doctor with about a 3 month interval for years now. It began with the severe panic attacks back in mid December 2014 when I was told that the gynecologist had found “something strange” in my ovaries (more on that story here) even if I’ve been on sick leave because of my depressions a few times before this major episode.

Now, I usually don’t write about me being on sick leave that often because there aren’t that much to say about it. I get a set amount of money each month from the government and I have my administrator at the Swedish Social Insurance Agency (FörsĂ€kringskassan), like most other Swede’s have in my situation. My psychiatric doctor are in touch with the agency and feeds them information on how my case is progressing roughly once every 3 months. I usually have a meeting with the agency once every six months or so as they like to stay in contact, even if nothing really changes.

I’ve tried going back to a regular job but with unsatisfactory results, my depression and anxiety levels flared up something bad. Therefore, everyone around me from agency administrator to nurses and doctors settled into the fact that it would probably be best if I was just left alone for some time. But, a lot of time have passed by and I’ve been trying to recuperate for years by now and so they are starting to reconsider my case. My doctor have recommended that I’d be considered to switch from the temporal sick leave to disability pension instead, which is a more permanent solution. It would mean I’m not under any pressure to apply for or have a every day job in the traditional meaning.

My agency administrative isn’t happy at all about this, this option is usually reserved for the ones who are never going to be able to handle a regular job ever again. But after several tours back and fourth she recognizes that the attempts to get myself back into a job always have ended badly. I’ve always been set back severely and needed a long time to recover from it. My doctor knows this and it’s the main reason she have put down such a suggestion. My doctor and agency administrator are trying to set a date for a meeting where all this’ll be discussed between the parties that are concerned.

My personal thought though? After discussing it back and forth during the summer T and I both agree that I have a need because of my diagnoses, psychological and physical. I break easily when I’m put under pressure and are exposed to stress. If going on disability pension is the key for my well being, I’ll go down that route. It would mean that I could take things in my own pace and keep all the routines and stability that I seem to need.

The apartment and new mentorship

I have loads of things on my mind, but it feels hard putting them into words. I also feel annoyed by most everything, which makes it hard to separate what’s irrational and what’s justified. I’ve been having strange dreams, weird stressful things involving my parents, that have left me feeling restless and wounded up. In short – I’m in a weird mental place. I think it all stems from my worry that we wont have enough money to pay for the new apartment in February. T says we have nothing to worry about, we will meet ends, but there’s something deep within me that just see it all crashing down around our ears.. growing up that was the default state of everything. But he’s the one who have planned our budget and according to his calculations we’ll be fine. I just.. have to convince myself of it.

But onto greener pastures. For many years now I’ve acted as mentor to a handful of different persons, back in the day I worked as a form of study buddy to fellow students that needed notes taken from classes we both went to and things like that. The biggest thing I’ve ever mentored for was for a bachelor’s thesis. It took a little more then half a year but the outcome was very positive, the person passed on the first submission. This took a lot of energy and dedication from both of us but it was such a great delight see the person rise and stand on their own two legs.

I’m not mentoring a thesis this time but I do have a new student that I’m working with (informal and unpaid, it’s a friend of mine) and today we took the first step forwards by handing in the first of four tasks. It’s always a bit shaky in the beginning, before you’ve really found each other and know what you can expect from the other part. But this is a great first step and I’ve gotten the confirmation I wanted regarding willingness to put in the work needed for completion. I’m sure we’ll be done in no time.

Gothenburg Chocolate, Liquorice and Delicacy Fair – 23rd Sept 2017

Link to more about the ship. Link to the fair’s webpage.

On the mend

Compared to T, I’ve been recovering much quicker then he did. But I never got the cough he had, I have been coughing a little bit but it’s nothing compared to T’s. But, instead I got a killer two day migraine. I’ve had a high fever for about three days but that steadily declined over the days. Although I have nothing against taking painkillers to lower a fever that’s running too high, I usually try to avoid the painkillers as long as possible. I prefer to let the fever run it’s course and only intervene when it goes 2 points (Celsius) over my regular body temperature. I normally have 36.5C (97.7F) so when I reach 38.5C (101.3F) I start popping painkillers as I usually suffer by this point, but this time I only needed painkillers to counter the migraine. The soreness in my throat is also quickly dispersing even if my voice still can’t handle 4 hours of constant talking. The thing I notice most clearly now are the stuffed nose, but that’s usually the last thing that goes away for me.

Even if I’ve felt uncomfortable missing so many streams as I have, I have taken to heart what one of my regular viewers pointed out. My health is important and I shouldn’t risk it or feel pressured to stream if I’ve gotten sick. A good friend of mine said the same thing when I was battling the month long migraine attack. Both ended up saying the same thing, my friend more or less scolded me for streaming with a slight migraine. The viewer was less harsh, but the message was still the same. Don’t write off your own health and keep it at a level that you can handle. So for past days I’ve been streaming two very short sessions to test out how well my voice handles the talking. I didn’t last long and had to take the stream down after 20 minutes yesterday and 1 hour today as I felt the strain almost instantly.

Instead I will stay silent and rest this evening. I’m off to a chocolate, liquorice and delicacy festival in Gothenburg tomorrow and I would like to be as rested as I possibly can. But since I haven’t had a fever since yesterday evening I think it’s safe to go, eat chocolate and delicacies ’til I drop, try out some exotic booze and relax in the good company of my friends that’s also going. But not to worry, we have a designated driver and this time it isn’t me!

First him, now me

With some tender care T are on the mend. Slowly, a little each day, his symptoms have faded and even though he still coughs and sniffles a bit – he’s starting to resemble himself again. He doesn’t need as much tea or honey and he has started to eat with his usual appetite again. I’m relieved as always when he’s starting to recover and the worry in my heart melts away.

Unsurprisingly though, I’ve caught whatever T have had. Two days ago I started to feel the soreness in my throat and even if I still haven’t developed a cough like T has, I felt really bad yesterday. I had a fever, fever chills, stuffed nose and pain in most parts of my body, but particularity the lower part of my back. On top of that I also woke up with a unusually strong headache that later developed into an extremely painful migraine. The pain from the migraine struck me so hard I felt nauseous and almost threw up. I had to retire for the night before 19.00 (7 pm) and laid in the darkened room by myself, crying from the pain caused by just breathing.

This was caused (or so I think) by me going grocery shopping in the very beginning of the attack. Since we both had been home for a few days the need for fresh groceries was big. My choices were limited, either wait and hope that I would feel better today or go shopping with the migraine (asking T was out of the question, he still hadn’t recovered enough). Both options were bad but in the end I went yesterday despite the pain. It was stupid, I know, and the pain was so intense I thought I was about to pass out in the dairy section.

When I came home though, I fell to pieces in T’s arms and cried. He quickly unpacked the groceries and made sure I took my migraine strength painkillers and Zomig (nasal spray). He scolded me for not telling him how how much the pain had advanced before leaving for the store and then promptly made me go to bed. I was up for a few minutes some time later but the pain was still so strong I chose to go back to bed. About 3Âœ hours later I finally fell asleep.

The migraine are still there in the back of my head, I can feel it murmuring. I will probably need to go back to bed at some point during the day, long before my regular bedtime. I’m still tired, despite sleeping 14 hours. My throat is sore and I still have a fever. Here’s to hoping that it won’t be as bad as yesterday.

Twitch subs and my loved one’s lost voice

Yesterday was a strange kind of day. T was out with his colleagues on bowling and beer to take farewell of a co-worker that did his last day yesterday. This meant I was on my own the majority of the day. But I had promised to be on stand by for pickup service wherever T happened to find himself once the night was coming to an end. T works in the city we’re moving to in February, which is about 36 km (22 miles) away so it’s a bit too far for him to walk..  In any case, I hadn’t intended to stream for as long as I did but I’m really happy that I did. I clocked in at 8 hours and had both 2 new subscribers (IIH SUBSCRIBERS!!) and 500 new shiny bits to show for it. It was a very good day and even if I was quite exhausted once I took the stream down I was so happy. I even gave away the most rare thing I could come to think of to one of my new subs: a picture of me with a huge smile.

But I’m worried about T. During the past week he had his first lectures for the term and since then he has had problems with his throat. Initially we thought it was only because he had been talking so much more then he was used to for two days straight. But as the days have passed he haven’t gotten better at all, it’s only gotten worse. Today it was so bad he both lost sleep and threw up from the discomfort and once I got out of bed we realized he almost couldn’t talk at all. I’ve told him to rest his voice as much as possible these coming days so he has the best chance to recover from whatever he have gotten. I give him clear yes or no questions when I have to communicate with him so he can minimize the usage of his vocal cords by just nodding one way or the other. I also serve him cup after cup with hot beverages like tea and chocolate with a huge spoon of honey in it as that seems to soothe the soreness.

My poor love.. my heart always hurts whenever he’s sick or doesn’t feel well. And him throwing up was something that was really alarming. I remember the times he have felt that bad during all our years together and him getting to that point has always been because he drank to much, never because of sickness. I guess I can’t do more then I’m already doing, but I wish I could take the sickness and discomfort away from him and suffer through them myself on his account. He deserves his weekends and days off, he work so hard already 😔