Mood foods

Food is something that I constantly have to battle with. When everything is as it should, I have little to no problems eating whatever comes my way. Even things that I’m not that fond of can be eaten as a courtesy thing. Especially if, lets say my mother-in-law or a friend, have spent all day cooking and I don’t want to hurt their feelings by skipping whatever they’ve served me.

But once my mood start to take a nose dive, so does my preferences in food. I’ve never been fond of sea food so that’s a pretty big no regardless, but things I usually have no problems with, and even like, such as minced meat, ham and sausages all become disgusting in both taste and texture. I’ve tried to force myself to have whatever it is that I’m disgusted by in hopes that it will go away on it’s own, but usually it only makes things worse. Eventually it does go away though, but it’s tightly connected to my current mood and if I’m depressed I might just stop eating meat all together until the feelings of disgust eases.

Strangely I start leaning towards food that are round, yellow or white. Most liquids are fine regardless of color. Cheese is excellent, both yellow/white and often round. Bananas are also awesome, especially if you cut them so they become banana coins. Potatoes are good whenever I need to eat something a little more filling, but usually I don’t have the patience to buy, cook and peel them. Most everything with semolina seeds are also something that works. But at some of my very worst points though, even the texture of semolina seeds made me nauseous.

In the beginning I thought I was extra insane, I’d never heard of such a thing as selective food preferences based on your mood. But I’ve learned that I’m not alone in this. Several I’ve spoken to describe the same issues. It’s not really something you talk about though, that your appetite and preferences change is something that most deem strange.

Right now though? I’m in some strange kind of middle ground. I can eat somewhat normally but have noticed that meat sauce, ham, meat balls and other meat products have started to taste strange. I try to avoid those foods and eat whatever tastes good that isn’t ultra loaded with sugar. Candy always goes down.. but I would prefer not having to amputate a foot because my diabetes got out of control.

Who is it that makes or breaks someone’s success?

One of the more frequent tips for new streamers (or internet anythings even) is to be persistent. Even if you do have a winning concept and the most interesting idea ever, it will take time to find, connect and build something with your viewers. I’ve known this from the very start, that whatever I do, I need to be persistent and consistent if I’ll ever get something going.

Because of this I often disable the stat window on my dashboard when streaming. It helps me talk more consistently about everything and nothing and also helps me to not stare myself blind on how many watchers, followers or subscribers I have at any given moment. And it have worked pretty well to be honest.

I’m still a bit confounded that I have gotten as many followers as I have (113 at the time of writing this) but maybe even more confused over the fact that I have recurring subs and bits thrown at me. This what I wanted, no question about it, but somewhere in the back of my mind I still wonder why anyone would freely subscribe or otherwise give me their time of day. If you’re any of these people, thank you so much for your support!

I want so much but manage so little

It’s been two intense days. Yesterday I was GM:ing my own Mage campaign and today I was participating in T’s Fantasy Age campaign. On top of that I also streamed both days as I took Friday off for T’s birthday celebration. I knew it would be hard, but I still wanted to try to do everything to kind of test and push my limits. I’ve been so disconnected from everything the past years that my threshold for what I can handle has sunk like a stone.

Being the person I am, I’ve always had a lot of things going. I’ve always been able to juggle several projects and keep up with everything else like friendships, social connections, a bunch of hobbies, family, work, parties.. But when I was staring my hysterectomy in the face I had to slow down, I settled on doing one thing a day to be able to focus on the other things that now needed my full attention. I isolated myself to be able to manage my weight loss and emotions regarding the tumors, while trying not to think of death in every breath. It was rough and my resistance for the chaos that is life was lowered even more. I reduced my expectations further, one thing a week was what I could manage now.

Following my operation my body was thrown into menopause with hot flashes, hormones high and low, mood swinging wildly (even for a bipolar) and extreme jealousy. I got hormone patches to stave the menopause off and we got through this time with our marriage intact. But to minimize the battling I had to do with myself I stopped spending time with anyone at all. I withdrew even further to be able to handle the situation and eventually just going to the grocery store was something that required at least a days resting afterwards.

I’ve always been hard on myself, not allowing any slacking. Commendable perhaps, but very frustrating when there’s nothing wrong with the desire to pick up where you left off three years ago but not being able to. Suddenly I found out that my mind and body had created a whole new set of rules and regulations that I didn’t even know I had. The reality today is that I get quite exhausted after any kind of event. I know I need to be alone with my thoughts afterwards and that I’m very sensitive to stress these days. Where exactly this comes from is something I leave for my doctors to debate, all I know is that I have had to re-learn large parts of who I am and it’s a very long and draining process.

So even if I end up enjoying both days and actually manage to do everything (with a nap before the last stream), I know what I have in front of me. It’s disheartening and makes me both sad and angry at the same time. But who have energy left over to feel two things at the same time? 😛

Taking the day off

I’m taking the day off today. It’s my husbands birthday so we’re heading out for dinner and then we got some family coming over.

I wish you all a pleasant Friday and I’ll see you all another day!

Celebrations & T’s birthday

We usually don’t celebrate birthdays, name days, Christmas, Easter and whatever else most people like paying attention to. But with the years we’ve also learned that other’s do like to celebrate things like this so we’ve settled on the smallest celebration we can get away with. We’re often invited to T’s mother and his grandmother for something traditional to eat (Christmas foods, birthday cakes, eggs and whatever else is considered typical food for the season) and this is often how far we’re willing to stretch celebrating holidays when we doesn’t really care for celebration. It’s not that we’re ungrateful, if they ask for help with a traditional dish I’ll gladly cook it and we’ll spend a few hours up to the whole day with them socializing. But if we felt we could skip it without hurting feelings, we would.

There are a few exceptions though. For one, it’s very important to me that we celebrate our wedding day. Like I’ve stated before, we married on the same day we became a couple to tie the days together, so we have two reasons to celebrate that day. I know he doesn’t really care one way or the other but he doesn’t disapprove to go out to a restaurant and have a little extra fancy dinner that night. I’ve also told him that this day is important to me and he have respected my wishes regarding this day.

A day that he doesn’t respect my wish is skipping is my own birthday. Deep down inside I always wanted that “perfect” day that’s described in American TV shows. You know, the one where the sun always shines, you have this big ass cake, a table that’s almost breaking from the weight of the presents, hundreds of friends all coming to celebrate me. I know it’s childish, as soon as I realized that my life around my birthday became so much easier. But he still doesn’t let me skip celebrating it at least a little bit. So if I ask to go to an amusement park or just want to have dinner with him, I’ll get it. If I don’t ask for it, he’ll force me to go anyway with him saying “The day of your birth is as much worth celebrating as the day we became husband and wife, alright?”.

But today isn’t about my birthday, our wedding day or any seasonal celebration. It’s his birthday today. His birthdays are events that he’d rather skip so we have compromised as with my birthday, we’ll head out for dinner once he comes home from work. We usually don’t buy each other (surprise) presents any longer unless there’s something just right or can bring about a laugh. Often we buy things that we want but doesn’t necessary need, like computer parts and games. This year though, he’ll get something from me. Something I think he will mostly laugh at but appreciate nonetheless.

But with that said, this doesn’t mean we don’t buy each other presents to commemorate big occasions. Being somewhat serious but mostly joking at our 10 year anniversary in 2011, I bought a bracelet for myself and had the clerk wrap it up twice (think a box in a box) and gave the whole bundle to him at our traditional dinner. For a second I saw the mild panic in his eyes as he realized, 10 years together was indeed something that was to be celebrated with a small gift of some kind. I calmed him down and said I wasn’t angry or hurt, just go ahead and open my gift.

He unwrapped the first layer that was tagged with “To my darling husband” and found the second layer, in different wrapping paper and with the tag “To my beloved wife”. It was a second of stunned silence before he connected the dots and burst out laughing. While he gathered himself I said “I know you, my darling husband. The best gift I could think of giving you, is a gift to give me. Was I wrong?”, He shook his head, agreeing with me, still laughing. He then kissed my cheek and gave me “my present”. When he asked if it had been an expensive gift it was my turn to laugh, I had foreseen he would ask this question of me. I said that my gift was just the thought and the thought is free. “His” gift to me though? How would I know? I wasn’t there when he bought it… 🤣😜

Early streams only atm

I’m streaming early most days of this week even if that usually isn’t my schedule. This is because I stuff to do almost every night of this week. I should be able to go back to my regular evening streams eventually but I can’t say for sure when that will be.

I’m sorry for any inconveniences this cause.

Setup for my Stardew Valley vids

I’ve found a nice routine with Stardew Valley now. I’ve discarded the game rotation for the time being and are focusing on playing through SV for one more time as I post the videos on my YouTube channel. I still follow my scheduled time and have streaming session five times a week, for four hours per session.

It takes roughly two hours to play through a week so on my regular session length I go through two weeks. But four hour videos are heavy and hard to handle so I’ve chosen to upload videos that cover one week at a time, two hours at a time.

I haven’t really got a hit on that yet, but I do know that the person who I initially made these videos for were extremely pleased that I chose to do this. And to be honest, that’s really all that matters.

My YouTube
My Stardew Valley playlist