Something about blood and water..

Twice a month I go to the psychiatry department at the local hospital for my meetings with a special kind of nurse for conversational therapy (I have no idea what his profession is called in English, but he’s not a psychologist). This last session I had with the nurse, Anders, he told me that he’s going to retire in summer/autumn 2018. Now, his hair is grey and I’ve known he was closing in on retirement, but I never thought that I would still be with him once it was time. I took the news like I always do, passive but listening attentively. Once I was in the car on the way home I smiled a little at the fact that I was given the news a whole year in advance. But as it started to sink in I felt this sharp unwillingness and discomfort when I thought about getting to know another medical professional that would fill the same role as he have had for years now.

I really like Anders. He’s been with me since 2013, which in the grand scheme of things aren’t that long, but he was the first one I really opened up to and he’s been somewhat of a grandfather figure to me. I’ve told him most everything and he have supported me through some very big moments in my life such as my hysterectomy and learning to stand up to my mother.. and soon he’ll be gone from my life forever. I realize this is how it has to be, everyone ages and retires sooner or later, and he’s not really my grandfather.. but I don’t like it the least. I first smiled at how early I was presented with the news, but really it’s a very smart move. Through the years I’ve learned that I can handle almost anything as long as I’m given time to come to terms with it. Big life changes needs more time, smaller day to day things needs less time.

Right now though? I’m saddened, of course, but working with it as he himself once taught me. The sad feeling is something very selfish though, like all grieving processes are, soon he’ll be gone from my life but that doesn’t mean he’ll be gone. But I feel happiness for him too, he’s a great person with a big heart and I wish everyone could experience having such a person to turn to. He has taught me much but he deserves his golden years and I hope that it brings him everything he desires.. even if I’ll miss his terribly.

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