Today has been a emotional day. You’d think every day would be an emotional day as a bipolar, but it’s not. Most often you have loads of anxiety and worries for something that’s completely irrelevant or you don’t. But when you don’t perceive it as an issue, it doesn’t really bother you. Most of the time I walk around feeling hollow, wondering if I ever had feelings and was able to see the world in something else then shades of grey.
But today was different. Every so often I go to the psychiatry ward at the local hospital. I either meet with my doctor or a specially trained nurse for my regular therapy sessions. We mostly cover my broken childhood and have untangled much of the giant ball of twisted feelings, broken self-esteem and frustration I usually call my inner thought world. Last time this nurse, Anders, informed me that he will soon be going into retirement and therefore had to transfer me over to someone else at the ward (but that had been changed, he will leave after new year’s now several months ahead). I instinctively said no, I didn’t want someone else if he was retirering. My logic’s was sound, me and T are moving some time in February anyway, what was the point to getting to know someone new if I was leaving town in less then half a year anyway? He agreed with me and said that if that was how I was feeling, he could get behind it.
Fast forward 2½ week and we’re on today. I’ve been feeling worse and worse lately, it’s the depression raising, I know it well by now, but staring at Anders warm and caring face, knowing he would be gone from my life soon made me sob uncontrollably. Every worry, all the tension around us moving, changing city, managing the economy, me as streamer, the hurt, the tiredness and all the fear rolled off me like waves at the shore. His pen was scratching fervently while I talked but I didn’t care, let him take his notes, let him try to transfer me to someone else. But it was abundantly clear to us both, I need someone to talk things though with, that isn’t always my husband. I got to request any of the other nurses that have his training and I chose someone I trust almost as much as I trust Anders, her name is Laila and she’ll be sitting with us as we go through the last session the 16th of November.
Just thinking of it makes me tear up again. I know I will get through it and to be honest it annoys me that I couldn’t control myself when in session with him today. I really don’t want to guilt trip him but since this afternoon I’ve cried twice. But he said he understood, there’s a lot happening at the moment for us both and that the stress and depression I’m handling is the cause of my emotional instability for the moment. I know I’ll snap out of it and move on with my life, it’s just that right now.. I don’t want to say good bye.