I want so much but manage so little

It’s been two intense days. Yesterday I was GM:ing my own Mage campaign and today I was participating in T’s Fantasy Age campaign. On top of that I also streamed both days as I took Friday off for T’s birthday celebration. I knew it would be hard, but I still wanted to try to do everything to kind of test and push my limits. I’ve been so disconnected from everything the past years that my threshold for what I can handle has sunk like a stone.

Being the person I am, I’ve always had a lot of things going. I’ve always been able to juggle several projects and keep up with everything else like friendships, social connections, a bunch of hobbies, family, work, parties.. But when I was staring my hysterectomy in the face I had to slow down, I settled on doing one thing a day to be able to focus on the other things that now needed my full attention. I isolated myself to be able to manage my weight loss and emotions regarding the tumors, while trying not to think of death in every breath. It was rough and my resistance for the chaos that is life was lowered even more. I reduced my expectations further, one thing a week was what I could manage now.

Following my operation my body was thrown into menopause with hot flashes, hormones high and low, mood swinging wildly (even for a bipolar) and extreme jealousy. I got hormone patches to stave the menopause off and we got through this time with our marriage intact. But to minimize the battling I had to do with myself I stopped spending time with anyone at all. I withdrew even further to be able to handle the situation and eventually just going to the grocery store was something that required at least a days resting afterwards.

I’ve always been hard on myself, not allowing any slacking. Commendable perhaps, but very frustrating when there’s nothing wrong with the desire to pick up where you left off three years ago but not being able to. Suddenly I found out that my mind and body had created a whole new set of rules and regulations that I didn’t even know I had. The reality today is that I get quite exhausted after any kind of event. I know I need to be alone with my thoughts afterwards and that I’m very sensitive to stress these days. Where exactly this comes from is something I leave for my doctors to debate, all I know is that I have had to re-learn large parts of who I am and it’s a very long and draining process.

So even if I end up enjoying both days and actually manage to do everything (with a nap before the last stream), I know what I have in front of me. It’s disheartening and makes me both sad and angry at the same time. But who have energy left over to feel two things at the same time? 😛

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