Radio silence

It’s been a weird couple of days. It’s been hard to write as I’ve had my feelings up in my throat for almost all hours of the day. You’d think I would be used to this as I always have feelings, high or low. But let me tell you a little about my past days.

The meeting with the landlord was less scary then I had anticipated. He had brought a writing board, the kind that you see around inspections and surveys, but he made a small joke about it so I relaxed almost instantly. Truth be told, it felt as if he was on my side against the corporation that employs him.. that if he could choose he wouldn’t have us pay for the damage to the wallpapers. He did the inspection and the only room he thought had too much of damage was the bedroom. Which is logical if you think about it, the cats spend most of their time in our bedroom. But he also added that they might not require us to pay for it since we had been such exemplary tenants. We have never gotten an complaint against us and we have never been late with the rent for ten years straight. Who knew being a computer nerd who never parties would gain you favors with your landlord 🤔😆

The very same day I learned that my aunt might have gotten another round of the big C. She had breast cancer two years ago and on her last checkup they found another lump beneath the surgical scars from the first round of cancer. They have taken some tests and sent it to the lab, but it will take a few days until the results are in. She will also be called to do another mammography within a week, or so we’re told. I cried the whole afternoon after I’ve learnt of my aunt. Most of the fear was of course for my aunt’s sake, I love her dearly and she’s been such a strong role model throughout my life that the thought of loosing her scares me much more then I’ve realized. A small part of it was also fear for myself. To see her struggle, to take part in her battle, is like looking in the mirror. I have at least an 85% risk (the minimum heightened risk for Lynch Syndrome patients) of having to go through this myself. Her struggle has become something more then that for me, it’s my struggle too. The survival of all my relatives, dad, my uncles and my aunt are so very important to me.

The last thing that have had me on my toes are something I’ve chosen to not write about yet. But it did cause me to cry a lot as well. I felt extremely silly for reacting that way, but after a while I could put words on my reaction and move past the initial stages of chock and sadness. But not to worry, it’s about hair so no earth shattering revelations or anything like that. When I’m ready to think about it without starting the waterworks, I’ll get more into detail.

Other then that I’ve also made some progress with my Twitch streams. I think I’ve found “my people” on the site and I very much love being a part of this community. I’ve always been extremely resistent to the grinding in games. I don’t mind repetitive tasks, I even like it. When grinding something in a game, or real life for that matter, I get a chance to do something with my hands while my mind is free to wander. It’s something that’s relaxing for me to do and thus I also do well in games that have this element. The community I’ve found are a bunch of people who are just like me in this regard. It’s not a big thing really, but it still makes me smile when I think about it.

The decision has been made

For a couple of days now I’ve had that heavy feeling across my chest, like I got a boulder on top of me that makes it hard to breathe. I can feel my pulse beating hard and my hands are ever so slightly trembling. I’m paler then usual and I want to take a deep breath, but it feels like I can’t get enough air into my lungs. It’s the anxiety of course, so it’s not really something new. But it’s not always this strong though and when it is, it’s hard not to take notice of it.

It began around last Tuesday, the 21st, when I started many of the processes that are time sensitive for our upcoming move. It gained much strength from the incident on Wednesday, the 22nd, when we were contacted by the first moving company that was interested in the job. Thursday came and went,

But, on Friday as we had promised, I made a call to each and every company that had answered our ad. We got a total of five companies contacting us, but only three of them could meet our needs. We ended up going with the third company, a rather large firm that have offices all over Sweden. They matched the price of the runner up but could offer a huge advantage: a flexible date.

As I’ve explained before, we’re still not 100% sure which day we will be able to move, we only have an estimate. When I mentioned this to the saleswoman she said: “Oh, but that’s not a problem, we’ll just set you up with a flexible date. All you need to do is contact us 3 weeks before you wish to move and we’ll take care of the rest!”. I was like, what? How many tens of thousands will that cost us? The answer: None, it’s included in the price.

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My exact reaction to the saleswoman. I hope I manage to convey it over the phone

I’m hoping my anxiety will calm down now that the decision is made. The only thing I got left now that is causing me some discomfort is to talk to the landlord about our wallpapers. Our cats have clawed at the walls (even though they have several scratching posts in different heights and sizes) and so the wallpapers.. could have been better. We have been living here for 10 years but I have this gnawing feeling that they will not be happy about the state of the walls in some of the rooms. But maybe I can come to some agreement with them as we are planning on leaving our (working) washing machine to the next tenant.

Schedule change on Twitch

A while ago I had to do only early streams because of how rest the rest of my life looked. During this time though, I noticed that I did get about as many viewers streaming early as I did when I was streaming late. But while doing the early streams I also noticed that my anxiety was somewhat easier to manage.

For some time I didn’t know if that was because my anxiety had receded on it’s own or if it was because I had made that change in my schedule, but I decided to keep doing the early streams to see if the feeling would stay the same. Because of the reaction I’ve gotten from myself I will continue to stream in the early afternoons, from ~12.00 to ~16.30, instead of during the evenings.

But I’m very interested in hearing from you, the viewer. If you have some feedback on this change, positive or negative, please leave a comment and tell me if this will affect when/if you will be possible to catch me live on Twitch.

What you see isn’t always what you get

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Yesterday we were contacted by a man who owns a moving company. He was the first one to respond to the ad I’ve put out and he insisted on coming on a home visit before he gave out an offer on how much it would cost to hire him to move all our things. I didn’t like that he insisted on visiting us at home, I very much dislike to have anyone in my home kept for myself, T and the cats. But I went along with it since he seemed genuine on the phone and we set it to a time when I knew T would also be at home.

Much to my discomfort the man went through all our stuff, poking and prodding in every cabinet and wardrobe to see how much it really was that needed to be moved. I gave T a look of dismay but was calmed by his aura, he was in control of the situation even though we had a stranger looking in everywhere. At one point though the man spoke to me in a very degrading manner and this did not win him any favors from any of us. But as that was the only hiccup we let it slide.

At the end of this skin crawling experience he sat down at our table, made some calculations and gave us a price. Since he was the first one to have responded to our ad we had nothing to compare his price to, even if it did sound fair. He asked us “Does this seem okay?”, to which I answered “Yes”. He then threw his hand forward and wanted to shake on it to seal the deal. At this point T cut in and said “Your price sounds fair and you seem a honourable man, but we want to compare with other companies before we make the decision”.

The reaction we got from him was not something we expected, especially considering that he had seemed so agreeable until that very point. Instead of honoring our wish to compare him with other companies and give us a couple of days he got incredible defensive and huffy, started yapping with T about the details and tried to pressure us into a decision right away. The anxiety hit me like a sledgehammer and rendered me more or less unable to speak.

When he understood T would stand his ground and not agree upon anything right away he got in such a hurry to get out from our apartment that he almost didn’t get his shoes on the right way. He gave short “Hum” answers and shut our front door in the middle of me saying we’ll be in contact with him on Friday. After he had left I had to go an take some seriously heavy duty anti-anxiety meds just to be able to get back to normal breathing. I don’t think we’ll be hiring this company..

But today a second company answered on the ad and they seem much more agreeable. No degrading talk, no need to visit us at home and even if I didn’t get an exact price I got an estimate based on their hourly rate and what I could describe about what needed to be moved.

I did the test with him too, said that we’re in contact with other companies as well, to check his reaction. He thought it was a given that I’m comparing him with his competitors and did not expect an answer right away. I asked if it would be alright if I would be in contact with him on Friday and he said that would be fine. He would keep our desired date to move free until the end of the week, no problems.

Talk about night and day. Tomorrow will be the last day that anyone can answer the ad. After that we’ll make our decision so I can contact whoever we choose. There might be someone else that will contact us that we will want to choose but I already think who I will not go with.

3 months and counting..

A few weeks ago we attended a meeting regarding moving to our new apartment. It’s two brand new houses with 48 apartments, 24 in each house. There’s a lot of people moving in at the same time so some coordination was needed, hence the meeting. We’ve known about this meeting for about a year now and have put a lot of “move related” processes to be started after this meeting. But as that point have passed, it feels like the move is upon us any day now, even if it’s still roughly three months left. But this means I need to start a few processes and contact a bunch of people.

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At the meeting, we also got to greet a few of our future neighbours

For one we need to book a moving company. We’ve been reassured by many of our friends that they would gladly help out with moving and I guess we do have a bunch of favors we could make use of if we wanted, but that’s just the thing. We don’t want to. We dislike having to help others move so we have decided that we will not ask our friends to help us in this regard. We much rather pay someone to do it for us since we have the funds for it.

I also needed to contact our landlord and dig out the lease for the place we’re renting now, this is because the form to hand in when moving out is on the back of the lease. But since I’m a worrying soul (as my grandmother called me), I knew exactly where I had put it. But because of this we also had to set a definite date as the final day for the actual move even if we still doesn’t know for sure when exactly we get to move in at the new place. It’s all very confusing at this moment.

People keep telling me this is the best part of it all, but I don’t know.. It’s hard for me to contact and be contacted by loads of different people, no matter how much I look forward to this. I also have a hard time with changes, good or bad. This is a huge change and I worry how tiring it will be for me. I know it will be great once it’s done and we’ve settled in at the new place, but it’s the journey there I’m unsure of.

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Regardless, when I was on my way home today (at 14:45/3:45 pm) I saw a gorgeous scene. I stopped the car (of course) and took the above picture. No matter how much I dislike the snow and cold, it does make for some exquisite sights.

Snow -_-

It’s been snowing today. Very exotic for some. A nuisance for others. I’ve grown up with long winters and are quite used to them to be honest, but I don’t like them the least so it’s a nuisance for me. Many of my countrymen get childishly happy at the first sight of snow but after a few weeks or so, most have adopted my grumpy state of mind.

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Early afternoon in the neighboring city

We were away on a table top RPG session today and had to drive through the snow to get there. It had been snowing all morning but luckily we have had the winter tires put on half a week ago so there were no problems getting around with the car. The snow was barely covering the ground in the neighboring town but in our hometown we’ve got roughly 2 centimeters (0.8 inch) of snow.

I really, really dislike the snow. So much that I might even say that I hate it. I’m not alone in this, several from my family feel the same as well as many from Sweden in general. The one I resonate most with is my uncle who have moved to Nice in France to escape the long winter months. I have a standing invitation to visit them in Nice if I want to escape the darkness, snow and cold. We have about 7-8 hours of daylight at this time of year so around now I’m starting to long for the bright sunshine and +27C (80F) they have there.. My dad doesn’t hate the snow, but he definitely does not love it either. T mostly sighs at the sight of it as the Swedish Railways (SJ) usually stops working completely at the first sight of snow. This is the main reason as to why we’ve bought an apartment in the neighbouring city to begin with.

But if I know my southern winters right, we will have a huge downfall of snow soon and it will last a week or two. After that it will all melt away, we will be having temperatures around +10C (50F) until mid January and then we will have winter weather until April. I would, of course, prefer no winter at all but 2-3 months are far better then 8-9 months, which is quite usual from my childhood regions. After all, I’ve had snow on my birthday twice. My birthday is 15th of June.

Another brick in the wall

That feeling of bottomless sadness have moved into the pit of my stomach. It has reached out it’s dark hand hand and taken my heart in a firm grip. And I hate it so much. This suffocating feeling of despair and hopelessness. The trendy people who, in interviews, claim that they never would want to live without their bipolarity must be insane on a whole other level. What I wouldn’t do to be rid of this crap I’m dragging around with me, to live my life without this crippling depression and anxiety, to be “normal”.

I’ve noticed it being on the rise the past few days but you never know which way it chooses to go so I usually don’t acknowledge it until the feeling is drowning me. But with my tears that can’t stop falling, I can no longer deny the fact that my mood isn’t slowly getting worse, it’s taking a nose dive. But to write, to cry, to spend time with my husband and listen to soothing music helps. It takes the sharpness of the situation and makes it softer, less likely to draw any blood or leave bruises.

One of my favourite, bipolar authors describes it ever so accurately:

“My anxiety does not belong to the chic existential cultural anxiety. My anxiety is certainly not becoming. It does not generate great poetry and fits badly with red wine and social contexts. My anxiety is down on all four and hits it’s head on the floor. Bang bang until the blood comes.” – Ann Heberlein

Note: Showing this side can make some worry about my well being, I know that. But this is a part of my life and it is what it is. I’m not suicidal, I’m thoroughly checked and medicated and have an active contact with my doctor and nurses. Should I feel that this is overpowering me, I will seek out professional help.

But as always, when you are living with a life long diagnose like this, it’s not about never falling, it’s about getting back up, knowing that it’s okay and that it will pass.