Me, my bad memory and I

The ones who follow my streams or videos on YouTube will soon notice that I have a problem with my memory. More so then the regular scatterbrain syndrome you get when you are multi-tasking during streams as you try to keep an interesting dialogue (mostly by yourself though so it’s a monologue I guess), play the game without errors, keep track of how the stream is doing regarding uplink/bitrate/stability, following your chat and being overall attentive to the needs of your viewers.

I mean, if that wasn’t enough, I have a bad memory on top of that. Forgetting what I was saying mid-sentence are not uncommon when I have a lot on my mind, are stressed or I try to do several things at any given time.

It hasn’t always been like this, and no it’s not caused by me being put on meds back in 2007/2008. I had gotten my meds many years before that but it wasn’t until late 2012 that the memory loss struck. It was caused of the insanely pressured situation I worked in while writing my thesis.

I was just a few millimeters from being completely burned out from the process of writing. But it wasn’t just the stress of writing, my school handled the whole situation badly for many in my class and we had to change mentors and examiners several times throughout the first four months (out of six) which meant most of us had to adjust our thesis’ to suit the whim of whoever else we got as a new mentor or examiner.

But it still wasn’t until I was finished my thesis and had gotten my degree that I noticed the state of my mental health and memory. Once finished, it quickly calmed down and the issues seemed to eventually disappear. But it gained new strength as I started working at a company that severely mistreated their personell. Especially harrowing was the fact that I was pressured to hand in my own resignation after only four months, leaving me standing without a job and unemployment insurance.

When the stress over our economy hit and I was crippled by one of the (then) biggest depression of my life, I was nothing more then a stuttering, angry shell. I had recovered somewhat in 2014, when I had that meeting with the gynaecologist and it all began again. But to be honest, the anti-anxiety meds I have today also affects my capability to form new memories, they aren’t completely without fault, but they aren’t the root cause of this issue.

It’s insanely annoying to have a clear thought, start saying it but in between words in the sentence it’s just wiped clean. It’s like when you get into a room and are left standing, wondering why you went there at all in the first place. No matter how far back you trace your sentence, you just can’t recall whatever you were about to say. Sometimes you strike gold and remembers enough to finish the sentence, but most of the time you are just left hanging by yourself.

I’ve had this for a few years now so I’ve learned to cope with it. Sometimes I just say whatever else that has to do with the subject at hand. Most of the times people don’t notice that you lost the thread there for a second when you are in the ebb and flow of a conversation. Sometimes though I just shrug/laugh and state “Aunt is old!” (Tant är gammal!) and push the discussion along to greener memory-pastures.

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