Past vs. future me

Everyone struggles with things they feel unmotivated by or boring. As many others, I too try to avoid such things, but in the instances that I can’t avoid it I’ve often thought “That’s a problem for future me” and left it at that. The problem with that mindset though is that “future me” always stands around the corner and whatever she has pushed in front of her are still there for me when I get there. It makes life unnecessary hard and often leaves you with a pang of guilt and regret.

The most prominent thing I’ve pushed in front of me was when it was time for me to begin my regular checkups for Lynch Syndrome. Because of strong anxiety and fear of what would be found, I kept pushing that call to next week so many times that the weeks turned into months and months turned into years. Eventually I did make the call and now I go on my checkups without delay. But what if I never had taken control over it? Who knows what might have happened down the line in 10-20-30 years.

A subtle, but still noticeable, change within me are that I no longer systematically push boring/scary things in front of me. It set in about the same time I got my hysterectomy. On some subconscious level I’ve realized that I much rather say “Thank you past me” then the other way around, meaning that I did whatever I had to and (hopefully) got done before the deadline. If I still took more time then I had, at least I can say that I started in time so that wasn’t the leading cause as to why I couldn’t finish in time.

This morning was a typical case in this way of thinking. I had done my biweekly cleaning a day early, leaving me free to take as big of a sleep-in that I wanted before it was time to go to the health centre and get vaccinated. I didn’t get up until an hour after the alarm rang, but I didn’t have to, I had done today’s chores yesterday. Sleepily, with the cat purring to my right, I thought “Thank you yesterday me, you did good”. And darn it if that doesn’t feel better then shame and anxiety.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s