I felt like I had gotten stuck in a rut with my streaming. I kept leaning heavily against Diablo 3, afraid to loose viewers if I played something else. But still I spoke about myself as a variety streamer, not focusing on one game only. Something needed to change and I finally mustered enough courage to play something completely different. It began with Agatha Knife, followed by Dishonored 2 and now I’m deep in Sundered. It was terrifying making the change, I’m still a bit afraid that I will wake up to no followers or viewers at all. But it doesn’t really work like that, does it? With this change I also see who comes to my channel because of me rather then the game I play. But I feel comfortable with the situation as it is now. A few unfollows are bound to happen before the channel (and me) finds where it will stand but as long as the inflow in bigger then the outflow, I don’t think I have much to worry about.
Other then that thoughts of Christmas has invaded my brain. It always happens as Christmas is a time of turbulence rather then joy for me. It has always been like this, but growing up I didn’t understand just how twisted it had been. The recent (well, 5 years so not that recent maybe) strain on my relationship to my mother is also making itself known around this time. For some reason she often tries to re-establish a connection between us around Christmas. It always feels like she does this because she should, not want. I’m perfectly fine without relationships I should have, especially when they have caused the kind of wounds this particular relationship has. Having celebrated Christmas with my husbands family for many years now, I finally understand what should and shouldn’t be.
But we got a lot on our minds right now. T has a huge workload with final examinations for the semester coming up this next week and I’ve been gripped by this irrational fear that the moving company we booked won’t come through as planned. My mind is buzzing with all the details before the move and I’m both incredibly happy and completely stressed out at the same time. Things like I haven’t started packing yet, but why should I? We don’t even know when we’re due to move yet. The neighbours in the house next to ours haven’t even started moving in yet and the final inspection dates for our house is still to be released. But still, when I saw the pictures taken from one of our neighbours apartments.. I almost began weeping with joy. This isn’t from our apartment, but it seems to be pretty similar to the one we will get.
But I can’t seem catch up on my sleepiness and my fingers itches constantly as I feel the need to do something. No one really knows what will happen for Christmas though. My mother-in-law is going on a vacation over the holidays this year so the traditional celebrations is kind of left out there hanging. I know T wouldn’t mind skipping it all together, but it would be the first year ever that we didn’t do any kind of celebration. I would also have liked to go on some kind of trip, but since we’re so close to buying the apartment, we can’t really afford anything like that.