My broken mind

originalIn January 2018 I will have been on sick leave for 3 years. In the beginning this was caused by the crisis reaction I had to the hysterectomy but lately is has been because of my mental state. But I’m lucky, in Sweden you can still live a decent life even if you are a nutcase like me. Around the two year mark my psych doctor suggested that it might be time to start looking at the possibility of putting me on disability pension instead of sick leave since after almost six years I’m still not getting better.

I have been constantly depressed from 2012 with only a handful of spikes bordering on mania. But the years between 2012 and 2015 was still manageable, I could still work at almost full capacity regardless. Come to think of it, depression have always been the default state of mind for me, but I’ve always been able to handle it and move forwards. But not any longer.. so, a few weeks ago in October, I handed in my disability pension application to Försäkringskassan (Swedish social security government). Apart from regular pension, disability pension can be given to anyone who will probably never be able to work a full time job in their lifetime.

This is usually a long and winding process that takes everywhere from 6 to 18 months and it doesn’t look like it will go any faster in my case (I mean.. it took them near 2 months to just open my file). But I’m backed by my doctor and have a solid base from her as she was the one who suggested this. She was very quick with handing in the medical documentation she had on me once Försäkringskassan had sent an inquiry to her.

As for my opinion? It feels weird. This is something I want, I made that clear once I handed in the application for it. I’ve thought about it ever since it was suggested by my doctor, so almost a year, which is rare for someone like me who wants things to be solved before they even began. I know how I react in stressful situations and when I have to socialize more then one day in a row. My recovery and startup times gets longer and longer, forcing myself to things aren’t something I can just shake off any longer.

Still, when I was contacted by my second administrator from Försäkringskassan, I felt like a raving madman. She asked me if there was something she needed to know about me and so I told her about my troubles with answering the phone and other things that she might notice. Her hesitant reaction and answers made me question her astute and bouncy approach.

But I’ll let my brain rest for now. I’m having one of those days when I can’t make heads or tails of anything. It’s like trying to run through syrup.. I better go grab something caffeinated to drink and hope that I’ll wake up from this haziness.


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