I won the battle today

It’s a little calmer in the old head today. It’s probably because I’m tired from yesterday lecture (which went well, I think), but also because it now feels like we’re getting somewhere with packing up the apartment. It’s still a month before it’s time but after today’s venture I’ve almost gotten everything from the living room into boxes.

I also had T sort through his clothes and decide what he wants to keep and what he wants to donate or throw away. We’re very careful only to donate clothes that are whole and clean so it doesn’t become a burden for the organization that we give it away to. While I had his attention I also asked him to empty out the really high cabinets that I can’t reach on my own. It gives me some peace of mind knowing we’re finished with those. But we still have a large amount of boxes and sacks that either needs to be thrown away or transported to said organization.

After a few weeks with this feeling of complete chaos it’s nice to finally feel a little bit more in control. I’m still quite tired and I allow myself to sleep longer in the morning. I’ve tried to stick to a maximum of 8-9 hours a night but as I’ve felt so.. weird I thought it would be alright to bend that rule a little.

I haven’t been contacted regarding the polyp issue yet. I know she said it would take 10-14 days before she gets the result, so that doesn’t mean that I was going to get the result after 10-14 days. Today marked the 11th day since the colonoscopy so I guess I’ll have to keep being patient. The doctor is either calling or sending me a letter. The first means she found something serious and needs to talk to me directly, the latter takes more time but is only used if they didn’t find anything harmful.

It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine.

We should have had two RPG-sessions this weekend but because of sickness and other circumstances both have been cancelled, leaving this weekend completely empty (for me at least). Now that I’m done for the day and have streamed, cooked, packed, cleaned out the cat’s litter box, showered and brushed my teeth, it feels quite nice. Like I’ve gotten things done and won the battle for this day.

Chaos

dl-1xpgwaaehw_tSo I’ve dyed my hair so much I burned off another 6-7 centimeters. Instead of fighting this uphill battle, with my hair being totally destroyed time and time again, I went to my hair dresser and had her cut it all off. I now sport one of those really short haircuts that I’m used to having and I’ll start over again.

I am freaking out about the move. I’m over the top happy about it at the same time as I’m scared senseless. I won’t pin this hair mess to the move, this began earlier then that, but it’s a contributing factor.

I finally got my ass off my hands and got to clean out the wardrobe. I mostly have to pack the majority of stuff down now. I think I’ll attack the living room tomorrow and focus on items that we want to keep but doesn’t need to have up. That way I can sort out stuff I think we’ll need but still go over and pack whatever else is left.

I am more affected by this polyp thing then I’ve allowed myself to feel. I was telling T about my mood on Saturday after the Mage RPG-session and when I was (what I thought at least) glossing over how I felt about it all I suddenly found myself crying. It was shortly after this that the hair frenzy ensued once more.

My gut feeling is that I don’t want to post this, my mind is everywhere. This is an unorganized side of myself that I strongly dislike. I used to be the most focused, robust person and now I can’t even control my impulses. I’m so, so tired. But even through my tiredness I can’t sleep when I go to bed and I can’t sit still. I have to do something all the time.

And now I’m worried that I came off snobbishly in the group chat I have with my family. We are meeting up this summer and everyone is scouring for the cheapest living quarters and here I am, looking at four star hotels just because I can. I didn’t put it like that. But everyone was stating their flights and hotels so I mentioned that I made a reservation at the one that is most popular with my family but that I also was looking at this other hotel since T had steered me there. He isn’t coming with me on this so he thought I could splurge a little bit. But this is a very Swedish thing, I get that some of you might not understand where this is coming from. I’ll go over that another time.

Bah, to hell with it all. I’ll go to bed and make sure to get some badly needed sleep.

Stressed out and pissed off

I’m feeling pissed off and stressed out. I have no reason to feel pissed off but I know why I feel stressed out. Most of it is because of the upcoming move, but there are other elements to it as well, like I have at least one thing each day for the next two weeks or so. Had I been the person I was four or five years ago it wouldn’t have been an issue, only one thing a day was a cakewalk. But these days? I’d be happy if I manage two things on a whole week without feeling completely drained.

But we finally have a date for the move and that’s the main reason I’m stressing myself out. The 19th of February will be the big day. Some time before this day the final inspection is scheduled and once that’s out of the way we will initiate the final stages with the bank to finalize the purchase. I’ve had to call so many people in the last two days; the insurance company, the movers, the phone company, the internet provider, tax authorities, friends, family, doctors and other authorities that have to be notified.. I’m sure I’ve forgotten someone.

I feel like I need to speed up the sorting process but it’s not like I’m standing with an apartment full of crap we don’t want, I have been cleaning, sorting and donating for over a year now. The biggest thing that are left are the wardrobe, after that I’m through it all. Even if I just pack one box a day, I’ll still be done with 3 week to go. It will be fine, I just have to keep reminding me of that.

Come to think about it I suppose I’m feeling pissed off because of the persons who came into my chat (one yesterday and another one today) and asked me if I knew what a diet was. I’m pretty sure it was the same person come to think of it. Regardless, I’m mostly pissed of at myself, that I let that kind of things get to me. I know I’m not the thin ideal the society seem to want everyone to be and I possess no otherworldly beauty (in my opinion), but to be honest, who do?

I knew I would get this reaction eventually. To be honest I’m kinda surprised that it haven’t come until now. But even if I wanted to, there are no point in defending myself and giving these trolls the satisfaction of getting a response out of me. No, I simply banned them from my channel and went on with my stream. I’ll try to look at it like an effect from my channel getting more viewers/followers.

My dad

I called my dad the day after the colonoscopy. I knew from before that they’ve removed polyps on him and I felt that I wanted to talk to someone who also had faced that. Dad was very supportive and understanding, I felt like he understood perfectly when I said I knew there wasn’t really anything to worry about at this stage but that it was a heavy piece of news anyway and that I felt kinda small.

Our relationship have always been kinda strained and weird, mother was cheating on him around the same time I was conceived so I know he was wasn’t always sure I really was his child. He never demanded a DNA test of my mother but it left little to the imagination when he mumbled “Oh, so you’re really mine then” when my blood sample came back positive for Lynch Syndrome. Not to forget that I bear a very clear resemblance of my aunt and grandmother and also got the same refraction error and hair color as dad.

It might sound harsh, hearing that from your dad, but I know he meant nothing ill with it. Neither he nor mother have spoken much about what drove them apart but I’ve understood that it really hurt him deeply. I think he never forgave her for that particular thing.

Strange as it might sound, this Lynch Syndrome thing have brought me closer to my family, I feel a desire to spend time with them because of it. All my cousins haven’t taken the test but those of us that have and carries the gene are the third generation in this family that goes through it and it kind of binds us together.

It’s quite dark humor but we also joke about our operations, calling us the BWO’s (Bodies Without Organs) of our family. The BWO’s so far are me, my dad, one of my uncles and my aunt. We hope we can keep the club rather exclusive and not have to count anyone else to it but if cancer is found we honestly say “Well, it’s good that they found it” after cursing (preferably in Finnish).

But I heard the compassion and sadness in dad’s voice during the phone call. Dad have said that he wished that none of his children had to carry this in their lifetime and that he was saddened that I had to. There’s always a chance nothing pops up even if the person is carrying the gene and I guess he had hoped that this would be the case for me. But just hearing his voice and the kind words he said gave me so much strength. No matter our faltering relationship in the past –unnamed

They found a polyp, now we play the waiting game

My first polyp was found today. It was a rather small one though since it hadn’t been there last year. It was kind of flat and only somewhat visible at this stage. The doctor cut it out nonetheless and put the pieces in a small plastic jar that she sent to the lab for testing. Apparently when it’s so small they can’t tell right away if it’s benign or malignant, it has to be examined under the microscope. It’ll be one to two weeks before the verdict arrives. Regardless of the outcome, I’ll be going in for a extra checkup in about three months.

It’s very surreal to lay there and watch the screen as the doctor and their assistant nurse goes through your insides with a camera, looking for those little things. I hardly feel anything, but I get extra pain relievers and sedatives right off the bat. I’ve tried to do the examination without any help from additional drugs but it’s just unnecessarily hard and painful.

But you get this weird feeling like you very urgently need to go the bathroom throughout the whole thing. That feeling happens because they flush in both water and air to make sure they get the very best angle in every turn. At the end she “tattoo’d” the place where she had made the find so it would be easier to locate the next time they go in. I somehow doubt that many can say that they got a tattoo in that particular place 🤣😂

She told me not to worry once she was done. And I keep telling myself that this is why I do these examinations. It’s not cancer, but left alone, it might have turned into that in a decade or so. But I was still very happy to have T by my side, holding my hand as the doctor announced her find, as my imagination can someones run wild when I’m hit with something that causes a flood of anxiety.

The examination took much longer then it usually do (because of the find) so he needed to leave about 20 minutes before it was done. Usually he takes a half day off for these kinds of things so he can be with me all the way but since it came on such short notice he wasn’t able to get rid of his obligations at work. But we had thought of that so I had a plan for how to get myself home.

Once home I had the most delicious grilled sandwiches before I went back to bed. Food are so ridiculously tasty after you’ve fasted for a day. I added another 5 hours to my prior 3 hours of sleep. Waking up I almost felt like myself again.

But I still don’t know where the feeling will land. For once I didn’t have a direct emotional response to this.. and it feels very strange. A bipolar Me without an emotional response? Who ever heard of that?

Preparing for 2018’s colonoscopy

So I’m doing my yearly colonoscopy tomorrow. This happened rather quickly as I got this appointment because someone else did a late cancellation. Since I hadn’t gotten called to the colonoscopy before the year ended, I sent the usual prompt that it was time for me to get the examination on the first day of the year. The very next day I was contacted by a nurse that wondered if I was available on Thursday. Luckily I had nothing in my calendar and was able to come in on such short notice, but even if I had I would have moved it for this.

Like it isn’t bad enough that I have to go and check if I’ve got cell changes this year or not, it doesn’t make it easier on me when I have to push to get it done on time. But it’s not their fault that I have to prompt them. The ward, with it’s doctors and nurses, are doing everything they can with the resources that have been given to them. But they are still short of staff and therefore also short on times to book for their patients.

In the very best of worlds I would have been given at least a week to prepare myself. You need this amount of time to make sure that you get the colon as clean as it can be. Particularly fiber rich food, corn or seeds (in fruit/veggies and on bread for example) take time for the body to process and get rid of. But I wasn’t given that amount of time to prepare myself, I got the minimum time (2 days).

I quickly switched over to the list of approved food to eat when preparing for a colonoscopy and spent yesterday flinging from one side of the town to the other. I picked up the prescription for the laxatives and bought enough clear liquids to see me through the two laxative sessions I have face. Overall I will be forcing 10+ litres through the system over the course of 15 hours or so. That time span includes a few hours of sleep so around a liter per hour until we’re off to the hospital.

I’m always happy to have the examination done. It means I can eat normally again and hopefully nothing new will show up. But even as I stock up on my favorite liquids like soft drinks, juice, energy drinks and whatever else I can think off, it’s still sucks having to force drink like this. I’m somewhat lucky though. I’m prescribed Picoprep which is a laxative that I mix out with 150 ml of water and can down in two big gulps. Some of my relatives have to use Laxabon which is a laxative you mix out with 4 litres of water.. and I’m told it doesn’t taste especially well.

Oh well, I’ll stop blabbering about laxatives and tackle the 2 last litres for tonight. Tomorrow I’m up for another 5-6 litres in addition to having getting up at 03.00 (3 AM) to begin the second round of Picoprep😖😱