No rest for the wicked

This always happens nowadays. A thing, an event: “X” is scheduled to happen. For days before “X”, I go with heavy steps thinking “I don’t want to do X”. I force myself to do “X” anyway. I think, “I gotta get used to doing shit like this sometime” and truck on.

Sometimes “X” goes well and I enjoy myself even though I felt so badly about it beforehand. Sometimes “X” heads straight to hell and I’m panicking before it even begins. In the latter case I must heavily medicate with extra anti-anxiety meds to just be able to stay in the room, let alone be sane enough to hold a coherent conversation.

But as a interesting side effect, I can’t remember shit. This is because some of the heavier anti-anxiety meds affect the ability to form short term memories. So I don’t only have to try to reason with myself when I’m panicking with anxiety coming out of my every pore, I also have to battle memory loss. “Well, that’s an easy fix isn’t it?” some helpful cretin asks me “Just take less meds and the problem are gone! No?” Sigh..

For days after “X” I shuffle around at home like a zombie in PJ’s, unable to rest but too tired to do something constructive. My mind is constantly buzzing with what if’s and I writhe, obsessing over every word I exchanged with everyone. The unrest makes me feel annoyed and I lash out at everything, but even that only gives me grief for I hate not being able to control my temper and let my mood go out over the ones I love.

But I reject the cats, T and anyone else who try to come close. I can conceal it, hide whatever feeling I’m having at the moment when out from the apartment, but the anger are still there. I just want to be left alone. I don’t have energy to handle myself, much less handle anyone else at that moment.

It’s so much easier to just isolate myself then have to explain this time and time again. T knows me well enough by now to just leave me alone when I enter this kind of mood, I’ve even learnt to communicate that need to him. It’s closely connected to my energy levels and we both know that it will go away once I get some rest. But how soon that will happen is anyone’s guess.

This time the “X” was the last session of my Mage group yesterday. I’ve had crippling anxiety because of it, but I was determined to have it happen as I wanted to talk to the group about shutting the campaign down. I felt like I was clear when I said it would be the last session we had before we moved. Some seemed to pick up on the wording but for some it just flew over their heads. So now I’m tired because of the social interaction from yesterday and also because I’m beating myself up for the poor wording I obviously had.

But I will have no time for rest. The move is quickly coming upon us and I still feel like I have so much to do. Even when the anxiety for the RPG-session goes away, I will still be stressed out about the move. I both long for the 19th of February and fears it at the same time. I need to feel my secured fort beneath my feet, this move is shaking everything at the moment.

No dice!

I almost lost my mind today. I had just picked up T from the train station and we had gone to Sibylla (fast food joint) for something to eat. T’s phone has been acting real weird, it’s this old thing from before the dinosaurs went extinct, so it’s probably on it’s last breath. This lead us to talk about our economy and T, somewhat carelessly, said “I have no clue about our money any longer”.

This lead me to believe that he spoke generally, as in he had no clue about the loan we need to take or the amount that we need to pay in advance. That he hadn’t spoken to the bank about the bill that arrived two days ago didn’t help his case at all.

My mind and imagination quickly sprinted off and an feeling of intense unease flushed over me, making me feel sick to my stomach. “What do you mean ‘You have no clue’? You are the one who should have complete control over the economy” I said in the car, referring to the fact that he is the one who have arranged everything with the bank up to this point. I was close to crying when he just shrugged as an answer but I kept on asking him what he meant as I desperately wanted him to tell me it was all a mistake or a cruel joke.

Slowly it dawned upon him that we weren’t talking about the same thing, he was talking about the amount of money we will have left, after we have paid the advance. I was talking about the advance. But by now I was reeling and was an inch from a complete meltdown as we arrived home. T managed to get the upper hand in the situation and calmed me down by doing just what I had wished for; clarifying that it was all a mistake.

See, you almost won today as you revealed your ugly face Mr. Stress. But no dice!

My stomach is on a roller coaster but the rest of me wasn’t invited

When I looked back at some of my old posts recently I came across the post where I reflected over it only being three months left until we would be moving. It’s now approximately three weeks before we’re moving and that surreal feeling still haven’t gone away. We’re contacted more or less daily with some new detail or decision that needs to be made and yesterday was no exception.

The final paperwork have gone the full round with everyone that needs to sign them and we were sent one of the copies. The final invoice also arrived with our copy of the contract assignment. I handed the invoice off to T as he’s the one who are in contact with the bank. I took care of all the other obligations we needed fulfill like signing things, mailing it to the right people and other notifications that needed to be tended to.

We now got a time and date for everything. The final inspection will be happening on the 14th of February at 11.00 (11 am), the move is scheduled for the 19th between 17.00-20.00 (5 pm – 8 pm) and the key pickup will happen at 09.00 (9 am) on the day for the move.

I’m still kinda freaked and stressed out but somewhere in the back of my mind I’ve gotten get the feeling that we’ll be fine. I haven’t packed that much since the day I packed 3½ boxes so I guess it’s time to get moving with that again, like packing everything from the big wardrobe out in the hallway and most of the items in our cabinets in the kitchen.

I’m still insanely tired as well but I sleep 10-11 hours a night, kept for when the cats wake me up. They’ve done it twice in a row now, spazzing/playing so hard that they accidentally close the bedroom door effectively trapping themselves in the room. I’m then woken up by their intense scratching on the door as they try to get out.

Once the door is open though? They couldn’t care less about actually going out 😒 I know, I know, cats are like that. But my sleep still gets disturbed and if I don’t get up and go open the door for them, they will start meowing until I do.

On being multilingual

Most of my family on dad’s side have Finnish roots. My grandfather and grandmother was born in Finland but migrated to Sweden after grandpa returned from the Winter War in 1940. One uncle were born in Finland but the rest of my uncles, my dad and my aunt was born in Sweden. But because of this I’ve been surrounded by the Finnish language since before I really understood what it was. Sadly, I never buckled down and actually learned the language as a kid, I just had a slight understanding for some of the words.

But being a Swede born in the 80s (“the MTV-generation”) I’ve been bilingual almost my whole life. I was talking around the age of 2 and had begun to pick up on English words and phrases a year later, around the age of 3. At the age of 6 I was as fluid in English as I was in Swedish, despite having a mother who refused to learn English. I’m guessing it stuck with me because I watched a lot of cartoons, MTV and played games that was all in English. Yeah, we almost always had MTV on like other’s have the radio on.

But I’ve always had a ear for languages, much like T has a head for math, and I think it’s fun to listen and learn within this particular subject. I love to immerse myself in another culture and see what’s everyday for the locals. I usually have no issues with understanding Norwegian either since it’s so similar to Swedish, Danish on the other hand can be somewhat troublesome but I get by there as well without any formal knowledge.

When travelling I always make sure I learn some phrases and common words for the country we’re visiting. When we went to Hong Kong for example, I learned a few phrases in Chinese (mandarin to be specific). Things like good morning, thank you etc. This was much to the locals amusement as my pronunciation was completely off, but it built bridges and we shared laughs with people we otherwise never would have spoken to. We even got preferential treatment at our favourite breakfast place because of it.

When we visited France I also picked up on a handful french phrases that was very handy, but honestly that was out of necessity rather then curiosity. But I mean, we were only insulted every third interaction so we must have done something right there 😛

All jokes aside. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and I took up learning Finnish seriously a couple of weeks ago. I can still only say the most basic phrases like excuse me, where are the toilet, my name is, numbers 1 to 10, some of the weekdays and a handful of loose words. I don’t really know what I’m gonna do with this knowledge, I just got the feeling that it would be fun to reconnect to this part of my roots. The Finns are a proud and somewhat crazy people, it feels just like home. I think grandpa would have been proud.

I won the battle today

It’s a little calmer in the old head today. It’s probably because I’m tired from yesterday lecture (which went well, I think), but also because it now feels like we’re getting somewhere with packing up the apartment. It’s still a month before it’s time but after today’s venture I’ve almost gotten everything from the living room into boxes.

I also had T sort through his clothes and decide what he wants to keep and what he wants to donate or throw away. We’re very careful only to donate clothes that are whole and clean so it doesn’t become a burden for the organization that we give it away to. While I had his attention I also asked him to empty out the really high cabinets that I can’t reach on my own. It gives me some peace of mind knowing we’re finished with those. But we still have a large amount of boxes and sacks that either needs to be thrown away or transported to said organization.

After a few weeks with this feeling of complete chaos it’s nice to finally feel a little bit more in control. I’m still quite tired and I allow myself to sleep longer in the morning. I’ve tried to stick to a maximum of 8-9 hours a night but as I’ve felt so.. weird I thought it would be alright to bend that rule a little.

I haven’t been contacted regarding the polyp issue yet. I know she said it would take 10-14 days before she gets the result, so that doesn’t mean that I was going to get the result after 10-14 days. Today marked the 11th day since the colonoscopy so I guess I’ll have to keep being patient. The doctor is either calling or sending me a letter. The first means she found something serious and needs to talk to me directly, the latter takes more time but is only used if they didn’t find anything harmful.

It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine.

We should have had two RPG-sessions this weekend but because of sickness and other circumstances both have been cancelled, leaving this weekend completely empty (for me at least). Now that I’m done for the day and have streamed, cooked, packed, cleaned out the cat’s litter box, showered and brushed my teeth, it feels quite nice. Like I’ve gotten things done and won the battle for this day.

Chaos

dl-1xpgwaaehw_tSo I’ve dyed my hair so much I burned off another 6-7 centimeters. Instead of fighting this uphill battle, with my hair being totally destroyed time and time again, I went to my hair dresser and had her cut it all off. I now sport one of those really short haircuts that I’m used to having and I’ll start over again.

I am freaking out about the move. I’m over the top happy about it at the same time as I’m scared senseless. I won’t pin this hair mess to the move, this began earlier then that, but it’s a contributing factor.

I finally got my ass off my hands and got to clean out the wardrobe. I mostly have to pack the majority of stuff down now. I think I’ll attack the living room tomorrow and focus on items that we want to keep but doesn’t need to have up. That way I can sort out stuff I think we’ll need but still go over and pack whatever else is left.

I am more affected by this polyp thing then I’ve allowed myself to feel. I was telling T about my mood on Saturday after the Mage RPG-session and when I was (what I thought at least) glossing over how I felt about it all I suddenly found myself crying. It was shortly after this that the hair frenzy ensued once more.

My gut feeling is that I don’t want to post this, my mind is everywhere. This is an unorganized side of myself that I strongly dislike. I used to be the most focused, robust person and now I can’t even control my impulses. I’m so, so tired. But even through my tiredness I can’t sleep when I go to bed and I can’t sit still. I have to do something all the time.

And now I’m worried that I came off snobbishly in the group chat I have with my family. We are meeting up this summer and everyone is scouring for the cheapest living quarters and here I am, looking at four star hotels just because I can. I didn’t put it like that. But everyone was stating their flights and hotels so I mentioned that I made a reservation at the one that is most popular with my family but that I also was looking at this other hotel since T had steered me there. He isn’t coming with me on this so he thought I could splurge a little bit. But this is a very Swedish thing, I get that some of you might not understand where this is coming from. I’ll go over that another time.

Bah, to hell with it all. I’ll go to bed and make sure to get some badly needed sleep.

Stressed out and pissed off

I’m feeling pissed off and stressed out. I have no reason to feel pissed off but I know why I feel stressed out. Most of it is because of the upcoming move, but there are other elements to it as well, like I have at least one thing each day for the next two weeks or so. Had I been the person I was four or five years ago it wouldn’t have been an issue, only one thing a day was a cakewalk. But these days? I’d be happy if I manage two things on a whole week without feeling completely drained.

But we finally have a date for the move and that’s the main reason I’m stressing myself out. The 19th of February will be the big day. Some time before this day the final inspection is scheduled and once that’s out of the way we will initiate the final stages with the bank to finalize the purchase. I’ve had to call so many people in the last two days; the insurance company, the movers, the phone company, the internet provider, tax authorities, friends, family, doctors and other authorities that have to be notified.. I’m sure I’ve forgotten someone.

I feel like I need to speed up the sorting process but it’s not like I’m standing with an apartment full of crap we don’t want, I have been cleaning, sorting and donating for over a year now. The biggest thing that are left are the wardrobe, after that I’m through it all. Even if I just pack one box a day, I’ll still be done with 3 week to go. It will be fine, I just have to keep reminding me of that.

Come to think about it I suppose I’m feeling pissed off because of the persons who came into my chat (one yesterday and another one today) and asked me if I knew what a diet was. I’m pretty sure it was the same person come to think of it. Regardless, I’m mostly pissed of at myself, that I let that kind of things get to me. I know I’m not the thin ideal the society seem to want everyone to be and I possess no otherworldly beauty (in my opinion), but to be honest, who do?

I knew I would get this reaction eventually. To be honest I’m kinda surprised that it haven’t come until now. But even if I wanted to, there are no point in defending myself and giving these trolls the satisfaction of getting a response out of me. No, I simply banned them from my channel and went on with my stream. I’ll try to look at it like an effect from my channel getting more viewers/followers.