Worrying about the cats

Q: You write quite long posts even though you have no internet, are you typing all this on your phone?

A: No, I type it out on my computer and then transfer the text via USB to the phone. I then copy the text with the phone and publish it through the phone.

We still got no internet It’s starting to feel straining, like withdrawal symptoms and it’s pulling down both mine and T’s general well-being. I wish it wouldn’t feel like this, I mean, it’s rather silly to be affected as much about internet as we have been but it’s the truth. We’ve been calling everyone we can think of to get it moving but the provider have been doing what they can and the people from the citywide network, Open Universe, made it clear they don’t really care about our problems as we aren’t strictly their customers. Our provider is Open Universe’s customer and we are their customers customer. A shitty way of thinking about it for sure.

Although, I have unpacked basically everything, I have a few boxes of clothes left that I need to wait with until we get the wardrobe shelfs sorted, so I’ve gotten much done because of the lack of internet so that’s nice at least. I know I will feel grateful to myself for unpacking everything while we were lacking internet once the issue gets solved. If nothing else, it’ll at least make us feel at home quicker when all the boxes are gone. Hopefully it will also help the cats to feel more at home as well.

The cats have had a hard week that’s for sure. The older one, Onyx, was extremely uncomfortable the first two days but as soon as we moved their food bowl and scratch pad out to the living room/kitchen area she seemed to be doing much better (we kept both of them in the bathroom with their food, water, toys and litterbox for most of the day we moved). Onyx comes and plants herself on/around us like she used to, purring away. She has also begun to eat normally again, and struts around like her old self.

The younger one, Zeras, though… had no problems the first day but after that she’s been acting up. She was apprehensive but curious once they got access to a larger portion of the apartment and seemed to be doing fine, exploring away for the rest of the evening. On the second day and forward though Zeras have been skulking around in the apartment, meowing for attention. A few days ago, she started to eat and drink as her old self at least. T think it’s mostly a question of waiting her out and he might have a point there.

It just… it worries my heart, seeing that Zeras isn’t doing that well. She does seem to be doing better the days I’m home so I try to stay at home as much as I can, to be some kind of secure point for her. Just as I wished I could tell Onyx that everything was going to be alright before the move, I now wish that I could tell Zeras she has nothing to worry about 💔

No internet, but I wont let that stop me from blogging!

Note: Yay for smartphones! Although please bear with me if the format is off.

It’s been a few days since the move now. It’s been quite chaotic and my mood have been swinging wildly from red hot anger to crying within mere minutes. Right now though? I’m exhausted beyond belief. But still I trudge on, slowly unpacking box after box. By now I’ve unpacked roughly 3/4 of all the boxes and the progress is fuelling me to keep pushing even though I would probably need to be resting more than anything at the moment. But it’s hard to wind down and relax without the internet.

And that is the biggest issue at the moment, no working internet. It was supposed to be ready to go from the day we moved in, but as you understand, it hasn’t. Our router was pre-installed so we were very surprised to find that it didn’t work. We called the provider and quite quickly it became clear that the issue wasn’t on our side, it’s actually on their side. It’s something between our provider and the citywide network that’s erring. And by the look of it, we’ll have to wait until Monday before it’s fixed.

But the day of the move was also completely chaotic. It included all the emotions, but mostly anxiety and anger. I’m still mulling it all over and trying to sort it through so I can put everything into its rightful place. It all worked out in the end, we got everything with us eventually but it was a rather high price we had to pay to get here.

I’ve been so angry at times about how it all went down during this week; the move was nothing like I had anticipated or expected. I felt so small and helpless against this faceless corporation that just steamrolled their way over us. The anger was mostly because I felt like a fool for choosing the moving company that I did and because I felt completely out of control in the situation, having to leave myself open for any vulture to swoop down and make demands. We’ll just have to wait and see if something else is going to come of this. I sincerely hope not, but considering their business practises I think we haven’t heard the last of them yet.

But other then those bumps in the road, things are very good with the new apartment! We already love it even though we still have much to do in terms of decoration with both furniture, curtains and whatever else we’re missing.

Now, it does still feel quite.. different, as expected, but not in a bad way. I think that once I’ve unpacked all the boxes and I’ve given all our stuff a new place to live, it will be good. This is, without a doubt, our home. I think I would like to invite friends and family to share this space with us. I think I’ll be happy here.

Roughly 36 hours left!

Today we made one last trip to the recycling center here in town to make sure we got rid of all the garbage we had left in the old apartment and also donate some spare items that had popped up while I’ve been busy packing the place up.

We got going early in the day to be sure that we had time to haul everything off, so when I was carrying our old laundry baskets I was still a bit sluggish. This resulted in me taking a nasty dive down the half stair I was standing on.

I landed with knees first on the hard stone floor and winced from the pain and chock. Luckily I had T, who was packing up the car at the moment, quickly coming to my aid, checking if I was hurt in any way. We soon determined that the neighbour’s wheel chair (that sits at the bottom of the stair) and the old laundry baskets must have taken some weight off from the fall. I’ve already gotten large bruises on both knees and my left arm but nothing seems to be broken and if that’s all that will come of it, I’ll take it.

But other then that unfortunate incident, I’ve gotten by with mostly a sore body from all the packing, lifting, sorting, throwing away and so on for the past week. It’s been like having a constant muscle soreness from exercising. But looking at the sizable heap of boxes all neatly packed and sealed, I feel content. I made it!

At the beginning of the week I was in overdrive, feeling panicky, wondering how I ever would be able to get everything sorted in time. But as time ticked by, as it often does, I calmed down. The panic actually went away. For a while I pondered this, it has never gone away once it have started before.. maybe stayed at the same place it was on, but never gone away like this.

Two days or so it finally hit me. I feel in control! I knew I would manage this to the end, we would be prepared for Monday to come and once I had gotten everything into boxes I had done my part for this stage. As that settled with me I started enjoying feeling this new strange calmness, not feeling that old panic breathing down my neck, having me spinning out of control. I felt exhausted beyond belief but I also felt happy. Real happiness for something new to start.

So now we buckle down and wait for Monday to come. We will be alive early in the day and the day will be very long indeed. It’s been hard but I think I’m ready to say good bye to this place. Everything that made it special will come with us and even if I loved the location, I’m certain the new location will be just as good.

Our new home actually exists!

Our apartment was up for the final inspection today! As the future owners we were invited to attend, to which we accepted right away so we’ve known about this for about a month.

A third party professional surveyor went over the apartment and marked every little flaw up with some blue tape so the workers would know where the surveyor wasn’t satisfied. Although there was quite a lot of tape bits he said he was overall happy with it and that the craftsmanship have held a high level, both in our apartment and the rest of the building.

Afterwards T and me got to spend some time in the apartment, checking everything out. The kitchen was to die for, just as I have been dreaming about! A warm and welcoming place where I hope I will find inspiration and joy again.

There where so many other cool features that we have never had in our home before. There was also some really neat ideas put into the design of the place as well. Some, not so much, but overall it felt really good. There was really only one thing I went “What on earth did they think here?” and it was the small space in between our washing machine and the wall. I’ll have to figure something out there because it does not look like the blueprint.

We also need to rethink how to furnish the rooms, we will probably not have enough space to furnish them as we originally had planned. The rooms was somewhat narrower then we had pictured it (even if we have measured twice and compared with the blueprints) but it will be fine I believe. After spending some time there, talking back and forth we agreed on what should be put where in case things wont fit according to the original plan.

The rest of the day today I’ve spent packing. There aren’t much else to my days right now but soon everything is in boxes so I’m confident we will be completely ready once Monday comes. But packing up the place takes it toll on the body. I feel constantly on the verge of developing a migraine and I can’t honestly remember a time when my body hurt this bad. It’s like an perpetual muscle soreness that never gives in. I can’t even lift the heavier boxes!

But I must say I’m amazed at how calm I’m feeling. I’ve had bouts of extreme giddiness, happiness, slight panic and anxiety. But mostly I feel calm. I know I’ve got this. I will make it on time, I only have the large wardrobe and some minor things left to pack and we’re not even at the weekend yet. It will be fine. It will be fine because now I have a visual on the place. I know what the entrance look like, I know everything we ordered and paid for are in place. I promise, there will be pictures later on.

I will just drink my warm milk with dissolved Kanolds Eucalyptus-menthol (a Swedish folk remedy for sore throat and coughing I like to drink when I’m feeling like this) and sit back for the rest of the day with the knowledge that our new home aren’t something I’ve just dreamed up.

Choosing happiness

A few days ago I read a quote while mindlessly scrolling through my feed and it went something like this “Happiness/joy is a state of mind that you choose”. When I first read it, I didn’t think much of it, it just scrolled by on my screen.

I’ve been thinking about this for the past few days though and today at dinner I brought it up with T. I often discuss thoughts like these with him as he as such a different worldview then me and it’s often interesting and informative to hear his standpoint.

I asked him if he ever had thought about it and he quickly said yes, he had been thinking along those lines before. We spoke about it while eating and I slowly put words on the thoughts I’ve been carrying since I first read it. It was hard because I wasn’t sure what my own opinion was.

But this is something so alien to me as happiness have always been a destination, something you must endure hardships and heartaches to attain. Something you are rewarded with for being successful in life. Not something that you simply choose for yourself like deciding what shirt you would like to wear or which breakfast cereal to buy this time.

With that said, this is something that I would like for myself. I would like to get out of the darkness of my own thoughts and state of mind. I get that it wont be easy, it might take years to get there if I ever do. But it would be nice if I could, I think I would like it.

Current events (Jan 29th – Feb 8th)

It’s been an intense couple of days, so much so that I actually lost track of the days. I’ve been focusing on getting things done before anything else and so even the streams have suffered somewhat. In the beginning of last week I still felt that I could handle it all but as the days progressed I’ve just been amazed that I’m not laying on my side in a constant panic attack. Tensions and headaches have constantly been just around the corner.

Two days ago I finally got the letter in my mail about the polyp. They concluded that it indeed was a real polyp and not something else but also that it was benign, meaning that nothing needs to be done at this point. They will call me in four to six months for a follow up to see if it has grown or if something else have happened since January. But finally getting the letter sent tension cascading down in huge waves. My whole body hurt something bad at the end of the day yesterday and the headache I’ve been going around with was dangerously close to develop into a full blown migraine attack.

Our wedding anniversary was on the 2nd of February. But because T had been invited to a game night with his co-workers we chose to celebrate our anniversary on the 3rd instead. I wasn’t all that happy to begin with when he said he had plans on that particular day, we were celebrating 10 years as married and 16 years as a couple after all, but after thinking about it for a while I told him it was alright. He did suggest that he’d cancel with his co-workers though and the gesture was very much appreciated. But while this was honestly all good, I still felt weird about it since this is the third year in a row that we don’t celebrate on the day. Of course we had the most intense weather this evening. Which funnily enough corresponds very well with what weather we had on our actual wedding day which was also all about crazy snow storms and frigid temperatures.

During the past week I also went to hold my bipolar lecture. This time it was for fellow patients and their families. It felt like I was just rambling without any coherent message but I’ve done this for a few years by now so I know my material inside out. Even in a stressed state like this I managed to get what I want to say through. Most people seemed to think the lecture was excellent and even Laila, my psych nurse, said she felt I was doing great, even though she knew how exhausted and stressed out I really was. Of course Laila knows more about my state then I let on in the lectures so she could read into all the strange pauses I made when I lost what I was about say.

On Tuesday we got the official approval from the bank regarding the loan we are taking out on the apartment. While that was a huge relief and cause of joy (we had known we were approved for some time but the official thing has weight) we had enough on our hands and went into complete stressed out mode while printing half a forest worth of papers that we needed to read through and sign. Like it wasn’t enough that we needed to send the paperwork via snail mail, we also had to send it via express mail to make sure the bank got it before the end of the week. We were lacking a valid address to send it to, we only had the free postage adress that wasn’t valid for the express mail option. So I spent yesterday morning rushing around trying to get hold of the correct adress feeling like the world would break if I couldn’t get the mail off in a timely fashion. T’s usually the one who have contact with them but he didn’t have time to sit down and call them so calling them, finding the invalid adress and getting the mail off fell squarely my shoulders. I didn’t find out about the adress until I was at the post office and let me tell you, that did not help my stress level. But, eventually I got it all right and through the tracker that was placed on the letter, I also know that it have been delivered successfully this morning. Phew!

Finally we land on today, the day when the Second Hand (SH) people came to pick up our donated furniture. We donated things that we either don’t need at the new apartment or otherwise do not want any longer. Since we donated both furniture and money we got help hauling a broken dresser to the recycling center. That dresser have caused me so much worry during the past two months I can’t even begin describing it. I’ve asked around and had a backup plan should things not work out, but I thought I’d try my luck with the SH people as they have this huge truck they come with when you have things you want to donate but can’t deliver yourself. The administrative woman I spoke with on the phone was hesitant to begin with but came around quickly when I suggested I could make a contribution to their cause as well as donating the furniture. This particular SH is backed by a humanitarian aid organization, which honestly is the main reason as to why we chose to donate to them. But this morning three burly men rang the door bell and hauled everything out to their truck in less then 10 minutes. I had some anxiety but was honestly too tired at this point to spend much time obsessing over it.

I’m mostly amazed that I’m getting up in the morning while feeling like a walking dead. There’s been a few very late nights and very early mornings. While I am amazed that I manage it, I know it won’t last. I will have to regain some sleep during the coming days. That I’m somewhat sleep deprived at the moment isn’t something I’m alarmed over though. We are but 1 week and 5 days away from the move and this reaction I’m having have nothing to do with being bipolar. I will give myself some time after the move as well to settle in before I start ringing any bells about my state of being. But the line is very fine here, even if the state isn’t caused by the bipolarity I know very well that it might be accelerated by it and I need to be mindful of my general well being.

Snow, so much snow

At times you see these enormous headlines in the Swedish news feed about huge amounts of snow that’s supposedly coming to drown us all. This time it was justified. We awoke with 50 cm (19.6 inch) newly fallen snow outside the window today 😨

Snö 2018
Not our town, but it looks the same outside our window. Photo: Mats Andersson / TT

I went out in the heavy snowfall yesterday to pick up T from the afterwork he attended and it was bad enough then. The ground quickly went white and it was hard to see the road as it became indistinguishable from the already snowy sides. We got home in one piece but driving in such a weather took much longer then usual. I was completely drained from having to focus so intensely for almost 2½ hours for a trip that usually takes ~1 hour there and home again.

We had decided that we would celebrate our anniversary (10 years as married, 16 years as a couple) today by going to our favorite restaurant. While we did get there eventually, we first spent 20 solid minutes shovelling snow off the car – literally. The roof of the car was covered in 30-ish cm (12 inch) of snow 😒 I keep a lightweight snow shovel in the car for situations like these.

Snö 2018-3
Not our car, but we faced a similar situation. Photo: Anders Wiklund/TT

This is where my upbringing shines, but I don’t know how many times I’ve been ridiculed on snowless winters because I keep things like the shovel, spare blankets, a knife, duct tape, straps and tarpaulin in the car in case you get stranded somewhere and need to get crafty. I also bring energy bars, nuts and water with me if I’m leaving for a trip outside town.

Come to think of it, I believe T have never laughed at me in this regard. He was questioning the first time I bought all the items but once he realized I had a point, he never said a word.

I know the weather up north is much worse and that you don’t need to prepare to the same extent when you live as far south as we do, but you know what? I could dig my car out today and be on my merry way within a reasonable time while many couldn’t do shit about being snowed in. But I’m not heartless, I do my best to help other people out, especially if it’s an elderly person. Hopefully they’ll keep a shovel themselves and be able to return the favour to some other stranded soul.