I’m annoyed and anxious. No, more like I’m angry and anxious. I wish I could say I didn’t know what made me either of these things, but I do know. I got the verdict from Försäkringskassan a few days ago and the decision did not fall out in my favour (background on that here). I have the option to appeal and have another instance make their judgement in my case, but just the thought of it is enough to make me feel like I’m going to collapse. I need to write another statement and my doctor need to send in additional ‘observations’ of my (nonexistent) well-being and it’s such a harrowing thing to do, I just don’t see how I will have energy for it.
I had an inkling that this was going to be the case, but it’s different when it comes in a letter all formal like and have passages like “We don’t question your difficulties or problems” but still reject it because my problems isn’t specified in just the right way? The whole thing have left me feeling small and ridiculed, even though I know logically that this is as far from personal as it can get. I will just have to prevail and try to adopt the mindset I have when building my Twitch persona; It ‘s not gonna happen overnight but with time I will get where I need to be.
It’s very tiring, carrying this anger all the time. I hate that I hate the smallest things when I’m feeling like this. For example, I’m annoyed by whatever the cat is doing. It’s enough to hear either of them to have me fuming when they in reality don’t really make any more sounds then they usually do. Or like when I was pissed off by T’s sleepiness earlier when I picked him up from work or hearing him cough for the umpteenth time. But honestly, it’s his home too! He can do whatever he wants! This is usually not a problem 👿
Having someone, friend or foe, in my personal space makes me react so badly that I want to hit them square in the face. Going grocery shopping is hard, running errands is even harder. Trying not to lash out on someone I love and care for are eating whatever small energy reserves that I still had left. I just want to be myself again, I hope tomorrow will be a happier day 😢