The silence

At times, I loose my words. It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. It seems to occur whenever it’s been too much and I’ve shut down mentally more then once in a short time. It often comes along with a weird silence in my brain. It’s seldom silent in my brain, I always think of something, big or small. More then not the thoughts are travelling 320 km/h (fast as fuck) and I even have a hard time keeping up with them at times. But lately? Mostly silence and a loss for words. No, not loss.. it doesn’t feel like I’ve lost anything. Just.. silence.

Weird as it might sound, I do enjoy short periods of this state. The only time I ever get a break from my fast moving thoughts is when I go hypomanic and even then only brief moments of respite before whole other kind of madness takes place. I guess this comes along with a noticeable decrease in my anxiety levels, like I no longer have anything to worry about. But.. that’s not true. I know the anxiety still lingers back there, just waiting to take the scene again. It’s more a defence mechanism then anything else I think.

So, I’m sorry there’s a lack of posts here lately, I’ve been thinking about how to explain it, but it’s been strange. There has been so much new impressions and chores that I’ve had to get to that I haven’t known how to express myself in the middle of it all. But it’s not something that is completely new and unheard of, these bouts of silence have come and gone, the words always comes back.. eventually. In the meantime, I’ll try and enjoy my brain trying to give me a break from myself.

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