Billowing thoughts

I’m still waiting for that feeling of chock to hit me like a brick, but it never comes. We’ve passed our old apartment a couple of times when we had business in our old city, but neither of us feels a thing. T didn’t really expect to feel anything, it’s just the way he is, but that I should gaze upon my old fort and feel nothing? It’s unsettling since I had such an important connection to the place. It has made me realize that perhaps it wasn’t the location that made it my safety net.

Regardless, I took a short walk in the new neighbourhood today. I didn’t get struck by lightning but when I was on my way home again the thought hit me, I live here now. A calm feeling settled over me after that as I rounded the corner and got the house in view.

Slowly, ever so slowly we’re dipping our roots into this place. The news for this week is that paintings have made it up on our walls and that I also bought, adjusted and hung curtains in the living room/kitchen. All paintings haven’t been hung yet, who knew it was so hard to predict where each and everyone belongs? But I’ll let it take the time it needs, it’s important for me that it feels right. Not just with the paintings but with everything.

I’ve been quite worried, unconsciously, about how I would come to terms with living here. We had no way of knowing how it would feel, if it would be a disaster or a smashing hit, no backup plan should everything go down in flames. This was our one and only option, we put all our eggs in the same basket so to speak.

But I have had no problems at all so far. I fall asleep quickly at night and I sleep soundly, not waking up at all during the night. The depression is still there. I still struggle getting up in the morning and often loose that battle. I’m still exhausted beyond belief, to the point where I don’t have energy left over even meeting a friend or inviting someone in.

The local Fire Safety committee rang the doorbell earlier today (to inform about the plan of action, should a fire break loose in the building) but the anxiety that came from the sound of the doorbell made me so uneasy I felt like I was about to throw up, opening the door was out of the question. Of course, I had these issues at the old place as well so.. nothing new there. Luckily T was home and could answer the door.

But I’m trudging along. Getting to know the local area, seeing the place slowly come to life as the weather gets warmer and the snow has all but melted. Soon the grass will be green again and the trees will once more sprout leaves. I’m looking forward to our first year here, discovering how it is to live here during spring, summer and fall. To taking the bike out again and maybe even go for a ride together with T. This new city have excellent bike paths and it’s rather easy to travel like that.

But honestly.. the first time I went for a tour earlier this week I was so shaky I should have gotten some kind of medal for being able to keep the darn thing upright and not fall over on the gravel. I haven’t been on a bicycle since I was like 15.. that’s 18 years ago. The saying “It’s like riding a bike, you never forget” might be true, I did remember how to ride it, but it was not without fearing for my old bones and if they could stay intact should I fall on my face. Oh well, I look forward to learning this again, to wearing my neon green helmet and zoom from one side of the town to the other 🚴🏻💨

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