The silence

At times, I loose my words. It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. It seems to occur whenever it’s been too much and I’ve shut down mentally more then once in a short time. It often comes along with a weird silence in my brain. It’s seldom silent in my brain, I always think of something, big or small. More then not the thoughts are travelling 320 km/h (fast as fuck) and I even have a hard time keeping up with them at times. But lately? Mostly silence and a loss for words. No, not loss.. it doesn’t feel like I’ve lost anything. Just.. silence.

Weird as it might sound, I do enjoy short periods of this state. The only time I ever get a break from my fast moving thoughts is when I go hypomanic and even then only brief moments of respite before whole other kind of madness takes place. I guess this comes along with a noticeable decrease in my anxiety levels, like I no longer have anything to worry about. But.. that’s not true. I know the anxiety still lingers back there, just waiting to take the scene again. It’s more a defence mechanism then anything else I think.

So, I’m sorry there’s a lack of posts here lately, I’ve been thinking about how to explain it, but it’s been strange. There has been so much new impressions and chores that I’ve had to get to that I haven’t known how to express myself in the middle of it all. But it’s not something that is completely new and unheard of, these bouts of silence have come and gone, the words always comes back.. eventually. In the meantime, I’ll try and enjoy my brain trying to give me a break from myself.

Beware! Insanity inside

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I met with my doctor TL today, the one I’ve had for over 10 years by now. I met with her to talk about the verdict I’ve gotten from Försäkringskassan. My doctor and me are of one mind in this, still.. her expertise and the reality I live with wasn’t enough to have Försäkringskassan take a decision in my advantage. My anxiety was riding high at the meeting, even though I knew TL’s opinion.

She was chocked that my level of Quetiapine was so very high (I can adjust them myself within limits, based on what my mood are), but since I wasn’t out of the range, she wasn’t mad or anything like that. I told her like it was, about my nerves and my inability to sleep and how I had been affected by both the letter from Försäkringskassan and the recent move. My doctor is a Russian lady and whenever she curses on her mother tongue the room feels electrified and I almost expect sparks to come flying. I both love and fear it. Mostly love it, she doesn’t curse at me, just over the general situation we happen to find ourselves in.

Either way, I’m sending an appeal and she’s in contact with them on her end. She does what she can and I have an enormous respect for her, I always feel like I’m a person when talking to her, an individual with thoughts, feelings and fears. She’s someone who knows me better then most people and she’s a highly skilled professional with several degrees specializing in mental health issues. I get that she’s frustrated with the administrators that often act like they know better then the medical personell.

But on the other hand, TL spoke about these administrators with respect today, when explaining a thing to me. She spoke about how hard the administrators job had become with the changes that our society have seen during the past years. And I share her view, I understand that they are just doing their job. It’s not something personal against me. That is why I need to calmly write out my appeal and level with them here. Calling in shouting and screaming will take me nowhere. Using their form, language and regulations on the other hand, will do me much better.

Regardless. When I sat down to start write the appeal the anxiety came rolling over me like opening a floodgate. I wrote two useful lines in 20-25 minutes, after that I just sat staring at the form. I think I sighed, because soon T intercepted me and hugged me tightly. When he did, I started crying from the anxiety.

I saved my work and shut it down for the evening. I’ll tackle it again tomorrow and again and again if needed. It takes a lot out of me to do this, I wish I could hand it over to someone else. But I can’t. I have to write this if I want them to see the pain, the depression, the insanity. But I hate thinking about it like this. I hate saying that I’m insane when I really mean it to the word’s fullest extent.

The calm have settled

So, it came to my attention that my page wasn’t showing as the should. Apparently it was temporarily suspended because they wanted me to verify my e-mail. The thing was, I had the blog and it’s domain connected with a mail adress I no longer used. Not until I mailed support, asking what was wrong, was I informed that I needed to take some action. Suddenly it said on my stats page that there were an issue with the site 😒 Oh well, it seems to be solved by now. That’s all that matters.

In other news we have finally had our first really free weekend where we didn’t have to go somewhere or even have anything planned. My mood is still swinging wildly. I still get so exhausted at times that I feel light-headed and have to sit down. My right hand are still sometimes numb without any real reason. The cats still drive me insane with hair on every possible surface and then some. But just as the cats have started to find their calmness here, so have I.

We only have two more deliveries that we are waiting for. The first one is our new computer chairs that are long over due. Especially on T’s part. His current computer chair are.. well used, to say the least. We got mine a few months earlier then his, half a year or so if I don’t miss remember, so it’s holding up a little better, but not by much. Another two weeks or so until the new computer chairs arrive, it’s gonna be so gooood.

The second delivery we’re waiting for are our new dining table and chairs. We will have to wait a long time for these. The chairs could arrive within days if we would have wanted it that way but the table is what’s taking time. The table top is in massive oak and when the salesperson said they needed to go saw the tree down she didn’t joke 😯 We are looking at having it delivered around week 21 +-1 week. But it’s well worth the wait, if we take care of it, we’ll never have to buy another table.

The mother of all heacaches

As someone who constantly have had some kind of tension and headaches or migraines growing up (and having it long into adulthood), I got so used having the headaches that I also learned what needed to be done to have them pass as quickly as possible. If I were unlucky the headache would stay for a week or more, but two or three days were more common. Nevertheless, it was always very painful and energy draining.

But since I started climbing on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs 13 years or so ago, the tension from feeling unsafe started to unravel and thus caused me much pain. I had a whole childhood worth of fears and uncertainties built up around my shoulders and neck so it took a long time to get it sorted. But eventually, it all panned out and the pain seemed to go away.

There was that whole deal with the migraines, both during this period and later, but those I always could break off with the right medication. This pain I’m talking about now was hardly ever affected by the painkillers, it was such a head splitting sensation that it just couldn’t be nullified no matter what I tried, even if I could ease it somewhat.

I knew I’ve been tensing up during the past months, but I didn’t realize just how bad it had gotten. When this hit me yesterday, I first thought it was a migraine on the rise. I quickly took my nasal spray as that was how fast it was moving, it gave temporary brief and I thought nothing more of it. But as the day progressed it soon was abundantly clear what kind of headache this was.

We were away during the evening but I quickly hit the sack once home. I had a hard time falling asleep, even though I had taken extra of my night meds. I must have slumbered but around 02.00 (2 am) the pain woke me up and had me shoot out of the bed. T hadn’t gotten to sleep yet so he half panicky tried to get me to go back to bed. In a haze I went to the first aid box we keep in the big wardrobe, I knew I had some gel that numbs locally that I used to make use of to get some kind of relief from the pain all those years ago.

Eventually I could get to sleep, but I slept badly. Waking up I felt a soreness right at the top neck vertebrae on the side that I had had the pain yesterday. I’ve taken painkillers throughout the day, the pain has threatened to break free again but I’ve kept in check like I used to. I’ve also been extra attentive to my food and water intake as that usually are a imbalance that sometimes propels the pain.

But I wished for happier days and even though the headache dominated yesterday, I still met with friends and talked RPG’s. I’m not going to DM myself any longer, but since I announced that I wont be continuing with the Mage campaign a few others have come forward, wanting to DM themselves. There was a lot of laughs and my mood.. well it wasn’t as stable as I would have liked it to be, but I was at least not fuming over nothing the whole day.

It just feels so unfair 🙁

I’m annoyed and anxious. No, more like I’m angry and anxious. I wish I could say I didn’t know what made me either of these things, but I do know. I got the verdict from Försäkringskassan a few days ago and the decision did not fall out in my favour (background on that here). I have the option to appeal and have another instance make their judgement in my case, but just the thought of it is enough to make me feel like I’m going to collapse. I need to write another statement and my doctor need to send in additional ‘observations’ of my (nonexistent) well-being and it’s such a harrowing thing to do, I just don’t see how I will have energy for it.

I had an inkling that this was going to be the case, but it’s different when it comes in a letter all formal like and have passages like “We don’t question your difficulties or problems” but still reject it because my problems isn’t specified in just the right way? The whole thing have left me feeling small and ridiculed, even though I know logically that this is as far from personal as it can get. I will just have to prevail and try to adopt the mindset I have when building my Twitch persona; It ‘s not gonna happen overnight but with time I will get where I need to be.

It’s very tiring, carrying this anger all the time. I hate that I hate the smallest things when I’m feeling like this. For example, I’m annoyed by whatever the cat is doing. It’s enough to hear either of them to have me fuming when they in reality don’t really make any more sounds then they usually do. Or like when I was pissed off by T’s sleepiness earlier when I picked him up from work or hearing him cough for the umpteenth time. But honestly, it’s his home too! He can do whatever he wants! This is usually not a problem 👿

Having someone, friend or foe, in my personal space makes me react so badly that I want to hit them square in the face. Going grocery shopping is hard, running errands is even harder. Trying not to lash out on someone I love and care for are eating whatever small energy reserves that I still had left. I just want to be myself again, I hope tomorrow will be a happier day 😢

Rebuilding the castle

It’s been a few days now and we’ve got internet up and running! I’m pretty sure there are something wrong with what I signed on Friday but honestly, I didn’t care any more. I just wanted to get it up and running before T came home from work.

Of course I’m happy for my own sake, I can now continue streaming and surf like I always do. But honestly? I was mostly concerned for T’s sake. He had had a long and trying week and I know just how important the web is for his resilience towards inconsistencies like the move. It’s the same for me, but while I suffer from the short term disruptions, he suffers from the long term ones.

Other then that I have been rushing all over the new town, buying everything that we needed for the new apartment and so far I love the new place. I have no problems sleeping and once I had unpacked all the boxes I felt I could start working on making this feel like home. We’ve done quite a few large purchases like two brand new, custom made computer chair from Kinnarps. For our new kitchen area we bought a dinner table and for the spare room we got a desk which will be used as a workbench among other things.

I still have a bunch of things to do and I’m running around with the feeling that I’ve forgotten something. I’m very exhausted but unconsciously I don’t recognize that until I’m way too tired and cranky. I also skip eating since “I don’t feel the hunger” and let me tell you, that is just crappy no matter which way you turn it.

So, for my day off on Tuesday the coming week I’ve decided that I will find my bathing suit (or just buy another one.. that might just be easier) and go to the spa in town. The bubble pool in town isn’t as good as some of the neighbouring bubble pools are but my new home town have the best saunas. And I think I need to just kick back a few hours and soak in the warmth and artificial sunlight they provide at the spa.

It’s been long and trying weeks for him, no question about it, but my past weeks haven’t exactly been easy either. Even if the acclimatization have been coming along very nicely, for us humans at least, my castle are still gone. It takes time to build another one.