Schedule change on Twitch

A while ago I had to do only early streams because of how rest the rest of my life looked. During this time though, I noticed that I did get about as many viewers streaming early as I did when I was streaming late. But while doing the early streams I also noticed that my anxiety was somewhat easier to manage.

For some time I didn’t know if that was because my anxiety had receded on it’s own or if it was because I had made that change in my schedule, but I decided to keep doing the early streams to see if the feeling would stay the same. Because of the reaction I’ve gotten from myself I will continue to stream in the early afternoons, from ~12.00 to ~16.30, instead of during the evenings.

But I’m very interested in hearing from you, the viewer. If you have some feedback on this change, positive or negative, please leave a comment and tell me if this will affect when/if you will be possible to catch me live on Twitch.

What you see isn’t always what you get

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Yesterday we were contacted by a man who owns a moving company. He was the first one to respond to the ad I’ve put out and he insisted on coming on a home visit before he gave out an offer on how much it would cost to hire him to move all our things. I didn’t like that he insisted on visiting us at home, I very much dislike to have anyone in my home kept for myself, T and the cats. But I went along with it since he seemed genuine on the phone and we set it to a time when I knew T would also be at home.

Much to my discomfort the man went through all our stuff, poking and prodding in every cabinet and wardrobe to see how much it really was that needed to be moved. I gave T a look of dismay but was calmed by his aura, he was in control of the situation even though we had a stranger looking in everywhere. At one point though the man spoke to me in a very degrading manner and this did not win him any favors from any of us. But as that was the only hiccup we let it slide.

At the end of this skin crawling experience he sat down at our table, made some calculations and gave us a price. Since he was the first one to have responded to our ad we had nothing to compare his price to, even if it did sound fair. He asked us “Does this seem okay?”, to which I answered “Yes”. He then threw his hand forward and wanted to shake on it to seal the deal. At this point T cut in and said “Your price sounds fair and you seem a honourable man, but we want to compare with other companies before we make the decision”.

The reaction we got from him was not something we expected, especially considering that he had seemed so agreeable until that very point. Instead of honoring our wish to compare him with other companies and give us a couple of days he got incredible defensive and huffy, started yapping with T about the details and tried to pressure us into a decision right away. The anxiety hit me like a sledgehammer and rendered me more or less unable to speak.

When he understood T would stand his ground and not agree upon anything right away he got in such a hurry to get out from our apartment that he almost didn’t get his shoes on the right way. He gave short “Hum” answers and shut our front door in the middle of me saying we’ll be in contact with him on Friday. After he had left I had to go an take some seriously heavy duty anti-anxiety meds just to be able to get back to normal breathing. I don’t think we’ll be hiring this company..

But today a second company answered on the ad and they seem much more agreeable. No degrading talk, no need to visit us at home and even if I didn’t get an exact price I got an estimate based on their hourly rate and what I could describe about what needed to be moved.

I did the test with him too, said that we’re in contact with other companies as well, to check his reaction. He thought it was a given that I’m comparing him with his competitors and did not expect an answer right away. I asked if it would be alright if I would be in contact with him on Friday and he said that would be fine. He would keep our desired date to move free until the end of the week, no problems.

Talk about night and day. Tomorrow will be the last day that anyone can answer the ad. After that we’ll make our decision so I can contact whoever we choose. There might be someone else that will contact us that we will want to choose but I already think who I will not go with.

3 months and counting..

A few weeks ago we attended a meeting regarding moving to our new apartment. It’s two brand new houses with 48 apartments, 24 in each house. There’s a lot of people moving in at the same time so some coordination was needed, hence the meeting. We’ve known about this meeting for about a year now and have put a lot of “move related” processes to be started after this meeting. But as that point have passed, it feels like the move is upon us any day now, even if it’s still roughly three months left. But this means I need to start a few processes and contact a bunch of people.

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At the meeting, we also got to greet a few of our future neighbours

For one we need to book a moving company. We’ve been reassured by many of our friends that they would gladly help out with moving and I guess we do have a bunch of favors we could make use of if we wanted, but that’s just the thing. We don’t want to. We dislike having to help others move so we have decided that we will not ask our friends to help us in this regard. We much rather pay someone to do it for us since we have the funds for it.

I also needed to contact our landlord and dig out the lease for the place we’re renting now, this is because the form to hand in when moving out is on the back of the lease. But since I’m a worrying soul (as my grandmother called me), I knew exactly where I had put it. But because of this we also had to set a definite date as the final day for the actual move even if we still doesn’t know for sure when exactly we get to move in at the new place. It’s all very confusing at this moment.

People keep telling me this is the best part of it all, but I don’t know.. It’s hard for me to contact and be contacted by loads of different people, no matter how much I look forward to this. I also have a hard time with changes, good or bad. This is a huge change and I worry how tiring it will be for me. I know it will be great once it’s done and we’ve settled in at the new place, but it’s the journey there I’m unsure of.

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Regardless, when I was on my way home today (at 14:45/3:45 pm) I saw a gorgeous scene. I stopped the car (of course) and took the above picture. No matter how much I dislike the snow and cold, it does make for some exquisite sights.

Snow -_-

It’s been snowing today. Very exotic for some. A nuisance for others. I’ve grown up with long winters and are quite used to them to be honest, but I don’t like them the least so it’s a nuisance for me. Many of my countrymen get childishly happy at the first sight of snow but after a few weeks or so, most have adopted my grumpy state of mind.

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Early afternoon in the neighboring city

We were away on a table top RPG session today and had to drive through the snow to get there. It had been snowing all morning but luckily we have had the winter tires put on half a week ago so there were no problems getting around with the car. The snow was barely covering the ground in the neighboring town but in our hometown we’ve got roughly 2 centimeters (0.8 inch) of snow.

I really, really dislike the snow. So much that I might even say that I hate it. I’m not alone in this, several from my family feel the same as well as many from Sweden in general. The one I resonate most with is my uncle who have moved to Nice in France to escape the long winter months. I have a standing invitation to visit them in Nice if I want to escape the darkness, snow and cold. We have about 7-8 hours of daylight at this time of year so around now I’m starting to long for the bright sunshine and +27C (80F) they have there.. My dad doesn’t hate the snow, but he definitely does not love it either. T mostly sighs at the sight of it as the Swedish Railways (SJ) usually stops working completely at the first sight of snow. This is the main reason as to why we’ve bought an apartment in the neighbouring city to begin with.

But if I know my southern winters right, we will have a huge downfall of snow soon and it will last a week or two. After that it will all melt away, we will be having temperatures around +10C (50F) until mid January and then we will have winter weather until April. I would, of course, prefer no winter at all but 2-3 months are far better then 8-9 months, which is quite usual from my childhood regions. After all, I’ve had snow on my birthday twice. My birthday is 15th of June.

Another brick in the wall

That feeling of bottomless sadness have moved into the pit of my stomach. It has reached out it’s dark hand hand and taken my heart in a firm grip. And I hate it so much. This suffocating feeling of despair and hopelessness. The trendy people who, in interviews, claim that they never would want to live without their bipolarity must be insane on a whole other level. What I wouldn’t do to be rid of this crap I’m dragging around with me, to live my life without this crippling depression and anxiety, to be “normal”.

I’ve noticed it being on the rise the past few days but you never know which way it chooses to go so I usually don’t acknowledge it until the feeling is drowning me. But with my tears that can’t stop falling, I can no longer deny the fact that my mood isn’t slowly getting worse, it’s taking a nose dive. But to write, to cry, to spend time with my husband and listen to soothing music helps. It takes the sharpness of the situation and makes it softer, less likely to draw any blood or leave bruises.

One of my favourite, bipolar authors describes it ever so accurately:

“My anxiety does not belong to the chic existential cultural anxiety. My anxiety is certainly not becoming. It does not generate great poetry and fits badly with red wine and social contexts. My anxiety is down on all four and hits it’s head on the floor. Bang bang until the blood comes.” – Ann Heberlein

Note: Showing this side can make some worry about my well being, I know that. But this is a part of my life and it is what it is. I’m not suicidal, I’m thoroughly checked and medicated and have an active contact with my doctor and nurses. Should I feel that this is overpowering me, I will seek out professional help.

But as always, when you are living with a life long diagnose like this, it’s not about never falling, it’s about getting back up, knowing that it’s okay and that it will pass.

A non-choice is also a choice

When growing up I often heard sentences like “But what could I do? I had no choice!” or “There was really nothing I could do, I had no other option!”. For a long time I also practised this kind of thinking and blamed a lot of things that went wrong on this mystical force that had left me without choice.

But having grown out of this mindset with some experience, this expression really irks me. Very often people use this to justify their behaviour and seem to think it’s a free pass to behave however they like because “they couldn’t control the situation” and only acted as “they had to”. It’s also often used wrongly to make it seem like they indeed could do nothing else then what they did. But you know what? A non decision is also a decision. When you choose not to choose, that’s your choice.

You might feel like you have no other option in the situation you are in, but think again. What would happen if you didn’t do whatever you feel forced to do? Would your world shatter? Would someone be angry with you? Would things change into something that you wouldn’t like?

Let me make an example: My mother and I had a falling out a few years ago. She was together this random man who beat her on a daily basis. She often called me, crying because he was so mean (her words) but she also defended him in front of me saying “He only beat me when he mixes alcohol with his psychiatric medications”. Time and time again I chose to try and help and support her and had her leave the relationship many times. They broke up and got together several times.

After a couple of years of this, yeah years, I finally snapped when she called me and said they had gotten back together. I cried and shouted that I couldn’t take it any longer, that I would not stand idly by while she destroyed herself like this. She threw the line in my face “But what can I do? I have no choice!”. Right then and there it clicked for me, she keeps choosing to go back to him because she sees no other way. I made it clear to her, as long as she keeps choosing to go back to him, I have nothing else to say to her. Sadly I haven’t heard from her since, but I’ve been told she have broken up with him several times since.

Did I have a choice? Did she have a choice? Yes, yes on both. I could have chosen to keep taking her calls, do nothing and unconditionally support her every move but I chose not to. She could have chosen to leave that abusive relationship, like she did many times, but then she always chose to go back to him.

So before you go out and say you don’t have any choice, ask yourself this: Where does your feeling of no choice come from? Do you want to preserve something in your life or are you afraid of the consequences from said choice? Either way, don’t fool yourself into thinking that you only have one option. Not choosing is also a choice.

Learning experiences – “unique” viewers

I streamed today even though it was my day off. I’m happy that I did as I’m two experiences richer because of it. The first one I could have been without to be honest, but it as only a question of time before it happened. The other one was probably also something that was bound to happen sooner or later, but not something I knew was going to happen at all.

The first one was when I was visited by 3-4 persons who wreaked havoc in my chat, spewing all kinds of bile and nastiness around themselves. This kind of persons are highly toxic though and only seeks attention. I greeted them, like I do all who writes something in my chat, but once I understood what they wanted I quickly fell silent and timed them out. Eventually they dropped out of the channel and disappeared into the interwebs from whence they came. But I’ve been called everything under the sun during my time in school and with a alcoholic mother. I’ve been bullied from the first to the last day in school and my own mother have added to that repertoar so my reaction was instantaneous: no visual reaction or recognition at all. But a part from my mother, this time I could give a clear reprimand to the viewers who were behaving badly.

Pretty soon after they had left (read: had been kicked out by yours truly) I was struggling with keeping the small talk up, I was a bit shaken. I always knew something like this would happen, but I wasn’t prepared on it happening today. I let it fall in silence even though I had 4-5 viewers at the time, feeling that old sting of insecurity I’ve dragged around with me for as long as I can remember. But suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by that familiar ding, I was being hosted by a fellow clan mate from Diablo 3. She also joined my chat and soon my channel was buzzing with chatters, much more pleasant then the previous visitors.

I’d much rather remember how nice it felt when my clan mate hosted me, joined my chat and had a pleasant conversation with me then how it felt when I was called an array of colorful names and compared to a beached whale. But I think both experiences are important to remember. There are some seriously wacky people out there who will say anything to get you to react but there are also these warm and genuine people who just comes by and lights up the place with their presence.