Don’t put words in my mouth

Something I’ve witnessed the past year or so is an attitude that gets me wondering what people are really thinking with. It’s no secret me and T have decided against having children, biological or adopted. We have our reasons but the long and short of it is basically that neither of us have ever wanted that kind of life.

Now, this isn’t something that have always been set in stone, it took until I needed to make a choice regarding trying for a kid before the hysterectomy or not. I’ve seriously pondered this question for many, many years but I always came to the same conclusion. No. Just, No. But for a long time it was: “Not until I can be sure that I can provide for a person who will be completely depended on me for it’s survival”. So we kept pushing the question/decision in front of us year after year and since we were so young when we met, there were still time to figure things out. For some this meant that we would most definitely have children, for others the opposite. We’ve had all kinds of people predicting every possibly outcome but this have only annoyed us.

I was extremely nervous/anxious about all this when bringing it up with T in december 2014, after the gynaecologist appointment. He was as much of a part of this decision as I were, but what if he wanted something else? Could I go through a pregnancy and raise a child for his sake? Would he leave me when he found out that I didn’t want children of my own? Thinking back on my early life, I’ve never seen myself with a big family like so many others have described. Of course this didn’t mean anything, I could have if I wanted to. But that was just it, I have never wanted it.

As it turned out, T had also been thinking along the same lines. He had come to the conclusion that he could live with getting a child if that was something I really wanted, but in reality he didn’t want children of his own either. When we talked it over I was so relieved that I actually began crying out of sheer relief when we came to our decision.

But no matter how much I don’t want children of my own, I can still be happy for your sake. I’ve had several friends nervously approaching me with the happy news that they are expecting, almost to the point were they don’t even want to talk to me directly about it, and seriously believing that I would stop being friends with them.

I mean sure, I’ll admit it, I downright dislike children if truth be told and I have not exactly hid it. I will not scream with joy or faint once you reveal it. But if I know you and your partner have been trying for a little one, I will be happy for you regardless of my own opinions. Heck, I’ll be happy for you anyway, if you show me a sonogram and beam a huge smile at me I know this is something you wanted and I’ll share your happiness. What kind of friend would I be if I wasn’t happy for you when your dreams and wishes come true?

To some more sceptic friends I’ve had to put it into contrast with this comparison: Have you ever wanted to stream? No? Did you feel happy for me when I became a Twitch affiliate and was all over the place? Yes? See, you can be happy for me even if our dreams and goals aren’t the same. This goes two ways.

A non-choice is also a choice

When growing up I often heard sentences like “But what could I do? I had no choice!” or “There was really nothing I could do, I had no other option!”. For a long time I also practised this kind of thinking and blamed a lot of things that went wrong on this mystical force that had left me without choice.

But having grown out of this mindset with some experience, this expression really irks me. Very often people use this to justify their behaviour and seem to think it’s a free pass to behave however they like because “they couldn’t control the situation” and only acted as “they had to”. It’s also often used wrongly to make it seem like they indeed could do nothing else then what they did. But you know what? A non decision is also a decision. When you choose not to choose, that’s your choice.

You might feel like you have no other option in the situation you are in, but think again. What would happen if you didn’t do whatever you feel forced to do? Would your world shatter? Would someone be angry with you? Would things change into something that you wouldn’t like?

Let me make an example: My mother and I had a falling out a few years ago. She was together this random man who beat her on a daily basis. She often called me, crying because he was so mean (her words) but she also defended him in front of me saying “He only beat me when he mixes alcohol with his psychiatric medications”. Time and time again I chose to try and help and support her and had her leave the relationship many times. They broke up and got together several times.

After a couple of years of this, yeah years, I finally snapped when she called me and said they had gotten back together. I cried and shouted that I couldn’t take it any longer, that I would not stand idly by while she destroyed herself like this. She threw the line in my face “But what can I do? I have no choice!”. Right then and there it clicked for me, she keeps choosing to go back to him because she sees no other way. I made it clear to her, as long as she keeps choosing to go back to him, I have nothing else to say to her. Sadly I haven’t heard from her since, but I’ve been told she have broken up with him several times since.

Did I have a choice? Did she have a choice? Yes, yes on both. I could have chosen to keep taking her calls, do nothing and unconditionally support her every move but I chose not to. She could have chosen to leave that abusive relationship, like she did many times, but then she always chose to go back to him.

So before you go out and say you don’t have any choice, ask yourself this: Where does your feeling of no choice come from? Do you want to preserve something in your life or are you afraid of the consequences from said choice? Either way, don’t fool yourself into thinking that you only have one option. Not choosing is also a choice.

New experiences – a shattered window

I was once told that as you get older, the amount of times you experience something new is getting farther and farther apart. I couldn’t help thinking about that as I did experience something new yesterday. Not something pleasant, unfortunately, but still something new. Yesterday was the first time I heard a window completely shatter. It was a rouge football, kicked by a young boy, that caused the shattering of the window. The child did what children always do when they cause something like this, he ran and hid. But his brother had told their parents and then gone over to us to tell us that they’ll pay for the broken window.

I got angry once I realized what had happened, I’ll admit that. But it was only the outer window that broke, the inner is still whole. I was also highly annoyed that the kid just ran but he was no more then 7 or 8 so hey, I get that he got scared. The anger settled somewhat once the brother rang our doorbell and the anger was quickly dispersing as I was taken to the parents. These things happen. There’s a reason as to why you’re always told not to kick a football on a wall that has a window in it. The dad held up a civil front during our conversation as we swapped information but once I had turned my back and started going down the stairs from their apartment, I could hear him scolding his sons.

Now, with only a single window to hold against the strong winds of yesterday, it got kinda chilly in our bedroom. Luckily we have a spare radiator that we’ve used for especially cold winters that we could put by the window to combat the chilly air making it’s way through the cracks. And since we still rent our apartment, the first thing of the day was to call the landlord and have them arrange something with the local glazier. But everything went by very smoothly as I had already gotten the parents info and could hand it over to the landlord directly over the phone. Sure, we are a little inconvenienced with the broken window as it is indeed still windy outside and therefore somewhat chilly inside. But hey, at least we don’t have to pay for it or handle the insurance company.

Bleh

The migraine continues to wreak havoc in my head and it annoys me as it affects my streaming ability. It’s not something psychological now, I’m only hindered by this physical thing. I don’t like having to update my social medias with messages like “No stream tonight […]”, but what am I do to? I will have to start taking two doses (I’ve only taken one per day so far) per day of the nasal spray if this is going to keep up.

But I am also beginning on the hormonal gel again and I’m guessing that’s why the pain is returning. But my options are rated from bad to even worse. My three options are: 1) Stop with the hormonal treatment and go into menopause – which I was strictly told was not a good idea. 2) I can try the hormonal pills, that I have never tried before and don’t know how I’ll react to, but which also is a really bad idea since they adds to my already high risk of developing breast cancer. Or 3) I’ll have to live with this migraines until my body gets used to the hormonal gel.

I’m going with the last option. But I only have one thing to say: Bleh.

Follow-up from yesterday

Before 9 o’clock this morning I had spoken to two nurses and one doctor. It wasn’t my regular doctor (the surgeon) but another of her colleagues that called me. But speaking with the first nurse, who had no clue who I was or what my case entailed was mostly enervating (I mean, it’s not like there’s a big fat journal on me in their systems >:| ). I had to repeat my data and info three times before she even began to understand why I needed to speak to a doctor on that specific ward. She suggested that I contact a GP instead of someone from the gynecological ward since it was a headache I had and that’s not something that was normally handled by a gynecologist/surgeon.

I spent 35 minutes coxing this woman to leave the nurse over at the surgeons office a notice that I wanted them to contact me and I’m impressed with myself for not loosing it as my migraine only got worse during this call. If I could have, I would have contacted the surgeons office directly, but since it’s summer and they’re low on personnel, all the calls are handled through this communication center for the whole region.

The second nurse was a nurse from the actual ward and even if she didn’t know all the details from my case, she knew enough to alert the doctor in charge that I needed to get in contact with them before the end of the day. The doctor called me 45 minutes later. Once I’ve gotten hold of the doctor I was given clear directives (hallelujah!) right of the bat as she knew who I was, why I was calling, that I had been in contact with 1177 yesterday and that I was to call if the migraine didn’t go away during the night.

I’m to stop using the gel for a week or so, at least until the migraine goes away, and then try them out again. If the migraine comes back I’m to stop using the gel completely and try another form of the drug, a pill this time. The doctor also informed me that she had contacted the manufacturer of the patches and while the production is completely stopped now, the issue should be solved in a few months. Hopefully I’ll be able to go back to the patches at the end of the year.

I was also given counselling on how to handle the migraines and we decided on a nasal spray that wouldn’t put as much strain on my already overloaded system but still help me with the pain. I’ve taken the first dose of the nasal spray just before writing this and it says on the packaging that I should feel the effect within the first 15 minutes. If the pain persists I can take a second dose approx. 2 hours after the first one.

Writing this has taken more then 15 minutes and it seems like the pain has gone away somewhat. I don’t know if it is completely gone, but looking at the screen and listening to soft music doesn’t hurt as much any more. My nausea also seems to be gone, which is a huge relief. Maybe I don’t have to go full vampire today and lay in a darkened room hissing each time a beam of light enters the room.

My first Twitch rule

I got my first slightly unpleasant encounter yesterday during my stream. Of course, this was expected as females on the internet, especially those who like to play video games, still amazes some to the extent that they forget how to function in front of one.

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Excerpt from the chat-log. I gave my responses verbally, hence the chat-log is one sided.

I wont assume the persons gender but they came into my channel while I was streaming and complemented me by telling me I was beautiful. The person then asked me to show off my “outfit” to which I replied that I’d rather not, but added that it was nothing special, a t-shirt and pants (I should not have said this part, I see that now. But hey, you live and learn). The person then asked if they could see the pants I was wearing. Again I declined and gave a verbal warning “not to go there“, where upon I received an apology. Afterwards we had a normal conversation for ~20 minutes about games, during which the person chose to press the follow button. This was all a bit.. weird. It felt like the person only followed so I wouldn’t ban them from the channel. The case is strengthened by the fact that once I logged on this morning I saw that the person had unfollowed (when you’re striving for 50 followers you kinda notice if someone leaves).

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The latest addition to my Twitch page

But I mean, I marked that I wasn’t okay with this kind of behaviour, my wish got respected as they stopped asking for what clothes I was wearing and I was apologized to. I would have let it pass unremarked if the behaviour wasn’t shown again. But follow/unfollow is ultimately their choice, I know I can’t do anything about it more then to express my wishes, hope that they’ll be respected it and act only when they aren’t.

With that said I have only one more thing to add: I love playing video games, just like you. I’m not interested in playing on the fact that I’m a female to get watchers or followers. If you can’t let go of what gender I am and insist on making that your sole focus, trying to get me to showoff body parts or clothing, then this is not the right channel for you. We’re really not that different, we presumably have one very big interest in common. Strike up a conversation and see for yourself!

What do you mean you didn’t mean to ring my doorbell? It’s in the middle of the night!!

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Probably what I looked like answering the door

I’ve been awake for around 4 hours by now. I usually sleep to somewhere around 09.00-10.00 (9-10 am), unless I have something that I’m doing for the day like going to the doctor or the optician, visit a relative, do chores, buy groceries or whatever else. But even then I usually push to get the thing as late as possible since I know I’m not really functional before 10 in the morning. If I always could have my way, I would never meet anyone before noon.

But today I was unpleasantly pulled from my sleep by the doorbell at 07.25 by someone that didn’t even mean to. Normally I can fall asleep again but this morning I might as well have tried to swim to the moon. I don’t know why I couldn’t go back to sleep, I’m sitting here feeling very worn and tired, like a carelessly wrung out dish rag. But I couldn’t even be mad for being so rudely awakened today. It was the taxi driver that drives the handicapped boy to school that accidentally pushed the doorbell when he was trying to get the kid out from the elevator. He apologized like a thousand times since this isn’t the first time it happens.

I guess I’ll go for a extra long stream today then. I’ve already done all the chores I had planned for the day and it’s not even lunchtime yet. I don’t feel like playing Diablo 3, I want to continue my second playthrough on Mass Effect: Andromeda instead. It’s probably for the best anyway. Diablo is more intense for interacting with the audience since it’s not story driven like Mass Effect are, in Mass Effect you watch more passively I guess.