Past vs. future me

Everyone struggles with things they feel unmotivated by or boring. As many others, I too try to avoid such things, but in the instances that I can’t avoid it I’ve often thought “That’s a problem for future me” and left it at that. The problem with that mindset though is that “future me” always stands around the corner and whatever she has pushed in front of her are still there for me when I get there. It makes life unnecessary hard and often leaves you with a pang of guilt and regret.

The most prominent thing I’ve pushed in front of me was when it was time for me to begin my regular checkups for Lynch Syndrome. Because of strong anxiety and fear of what would be found, I kept pushing that call to next week so many times that the weeks turned into months and months turned into years. Eventually I did make the call and now I go on my checkups without delay. But what if I never had taken control over it? Who knows what might have happened down the line in 10-20-30 years.

A subtle, but still noticeable, change within me are that I no longer systematically push boring/scary things in front of me. It set in about the same time I got my hysterectomy. On some subconscious level I’ve realized that I much rather say “Thank you past me” then the other way around, meaning that I did whatever I had to and (hopefully) got done before the deadline. If I still took more time then I had, at least I can say that I started in time so that wasn’t the leading cause as to why I couldn’t finish in time.

This morning was a typical case in this way of thinking. I had done my biweekly cleaning a day early, leaving me free to take as big of a sleep-in that I wanted before it was time to go to the health centre and get vaccinated. I didn’t get up until an hour after the alarm rang, but I didn’t have to, I had done today’s chores yesterday. Sleepily, with the cat purring to my right, I thought “Thank you yesterday me, you did good”. And darn it if that doesn’t feel better then shame and anxiety.

New window installed

We got our new window less then an hour ago. Usually I’m kinda anxious to have people come into my home, even when they’re invited, but this time the glazier was long awaited. He was an elderly man, sturdy built, white hair, stubbly chin, small spectacles on his nose and didn’t look like he had taken a sick-day in his whole life. I don’t know, something about him made me feel relaxed, like a father or grandfather figure. I let my guard down as he made a small joke about the broken window. And the laugh I gave wasn’t a forced one, it was genuine. He promised me he would be back around noon at the very latest and just as he said, at 11.45 he returned with the now repaired window.

I had been cleaning all morning, making sure the door to the bedroom was closed at all times so the cats wouldn’t get any crazy ideas. But since I only had the living room left to vacuum I took a break to wait for the glazier to return with the window as I didn’t want to cut the cats off from their regular hiding spot with the window missing. The cats usually likes to hide under the bed when I’m vacuuming and I always start in the bedroom so they have somewhere to flee to once I move into the hall and living room. But since we had no window in the bedroom I had to take all the other rooms first as the cats were hiding in the living room instead. So I sat down, thinking I’d take a little break.. it can’t be that bad, can it? It could. Now I really don’t feel like finishing, even if it’s only to vacuum the last room. Not even my reward for cleaning (something sweet like candy, ice cream or a pastry) seems to be able to get me off my ass.

My tattoos and why I’m removing one

I have a few tattoos on my body. The first one I had done was a simple tribal across the shoulder blades, the second was two huge kanji characters on the side of my neck, the third a latin phrase, covering most of my left forearm and the fourth was one piece of Yin Yang with a dragon resting on top of the piece. Most of my tattoos have a reason and a meaning behind them, kept for the first one that I only made because I could when I turned 18. But I don’t mind that one, it’s easy to cover it up and I’m considering having it remade into huge wings instead (broken? bloody? blackened? I can’t decide..), covering the whole of my back.

The third, the latin phrase, spells out Ad astra per aspera, and directly translates to To the stars through hardships. I had it done when I turned 25, the year I was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I had it done on the left arm because that’s usually the arm the nurses prefer to draw blood from. As I follow what they are doing I look down on my tattoo and it’s kind of reassuring to see it there, making me relax a bit. More often then not the nurses also ask about it so it serves as a nice distraction.

The fourth, the Yin Yang piece with a dragon, is a twin tattoo T and I had done together, meaning we have identical designs but differing colors. When we celebrated 10 years as a couple we wanted to do something special to commemorate the occasion. We decided on a tattoo and the design was to be one piece each of Yin Yang. To represent the support we found in each other we added a dragon to each piece, resting on top of it in contrasting color. I’m carrying the white Yin piece with a black dragon and T’s carrying the black Yang piece with a white dragon.

The second, the kanji characters, spell out mental strength and is meant to serve as a reminder that I need to be mentally strong to survive in this bat shit crazy world we call reality. This is the one I’m having removed, but not because I have chicken stir fry tattooed into my neck or because I don’t stand for it any more. No, it says what it’s supposed to say and I still believe mental strength are of utmost importance for your survival. But having it done was a rushed decision I took while being emotionally unstable after my mother had attempted to commit suicide, 15 years or so ago. For a long time I managed to make it have meaning just for me but the characters are placed high up on my neck, just beneath my ear so I see it every time I look in the mirror.

My mother and I had a falling out a few years ago, when I no longer could stand seeing her being abused by her alcoholic boyfriends. I gave her a choice and I lost, so I made my own choice. This tattoo keep reminding me of her and her problems as I put it there because of her initially. This is the reason I’m having it removed. I’m ready to move on.

And yes, it hurts from a physical point. It hurt a lot to put there and it hurts having it removed. Every 6-8 week I visit a professional that goes over the tattoo with a laser and then I play the waiting game as my body takes care of the ink, making the tattoo slowly fade. It’s been over a year now but soon it’s completely gone. If you ever have a tattoo made, make sure you can easily hide it with clothes in case it changes meaning or otherwise reminds you of something you’d rather not remember all the time.

General whine about cleaning

Bunch of cleaning products on white background

If that’s something I dislike it’s cleaning. I enjoy the result but even that is bittersweet since I know that soon the cats will have spread their fur all over the place again, the sheets and towels will soon again have to be changed, T’s crap will have to been sifted through and thrown out and the worst part: I will soon have to do it all over again.

I’ve tried splitting it up and do a little every day but that made me even more miserable. I prefer to do it all in a lump so I have it over with. To completely clean the apartment takes roughly 4 hours, or if I do a kind of maintenance cleaning it only takes half that time. It’s still too long.. and I hate it. But to soften the blow each time it’s time to clean, I allow myself a treat after I’m finished. I love junk food, but have severely limited my intake of it (I’m never going up to 120kg/265lbs 124 kg/273 lbs again..), so it’s usually something like a hamburger and fries, soda, cookies or candy. And it actually works. I’m still not happy that my cleaning day have arrived but hey, afterwards I get to munch on something tasty as a compensation for my toil.

Some chime in here and asks if T doesn’t help with the housework and the short answer is no, he doesn’t. My mother-in-law is very worried that I will grow tired and angry with him and eventually leave because he doesn’t dust, vacuum or iron at home. I’ve told her time and time again that her fear is unfounded as I knew what I signed up for long before we got married. He has his reasons, we’ve talked about them and settled on a deal we both are happy with.

One time many years ago he promised that I, one day when we could afford it, would have a professional cleaner since he quickly picked up that I disliked this cleaning business as much as he did. And some four-five years ago, we hired a lady with her own company to do all the scrubbing and polishing I didn’t want to do. But since every saved penny is important at the moment, I took it upon myself to do the cleaning until it’s time for us to move to the new place. Before we always went out to dinner after a cleaning day, for a while my reward was the cleaning lady herself and now I do the cleaning to be able to get the interior design and furnishing I want for the new apartment.

So today I think there will be no career focused effort. I will just eat something nice, take a shower and play for the sake of my pure enjoyment. But in other news I’ve pondered what other game might be good for streaming and I think I’ve come up with some good alternatives. Streaming Mass Effect: Andromeda didn’t really work out, since my PC couldn’t really handle it. But there are more games out there, I’ll just have to find the one that’s right for me.