Chaos

dl-1xpgwaaehw_tSo I’ve dyed my hair so much I burned off another 6-7 centimeters. Instead of fighting this uphill battle, with my hair being totally destroyed time and time again, I went to my hair dresser and had her cut it all off. I now sport one of those really short haircuts that I’m used to having and I’ll start over again.

I am freaking out about the move. I’m over the top happy about it at the same time as I’m scared senseless. I won’t pin this hair mess to the move, this began earlier then that, but it’s a contributing factor.

I finally got my ass off my hands and got to clean out the wardrobe. I mostly have to pack the majority of stuff down now. I think I’ll attack the living room tomorrow and focus on items that we want to keep but doesn’t need to have up. That way I can sort out stuff I think we’ll need but still go over and pack whatever else is left.

I am more affected by this polyp thing then I’ve allowed myself to feel. I was telling T about my mood on Saturday after the Mage RPG-session and when I was (what I thought at least) glossing over how I felt about it all I suddenly found myself crying. It was shortly after this that the hair frenzy ensued once more.

My gut feeling is that I don’t want to post this, my mind is everywhere. This is an unorganized side of myself that I strongly dislike. I used to be the most focused, robust person and now I can’t even control my impulses. I’m so, so tired. But even through my tiredness I can’t sleep when I go to bed and I can’t sit still. I have to do something all the time.

And now I’m worried that I came off snobbishly in the group chat I have with my family. We are meeting up this summer and everyone is scouring for the cheapest living quarters and here I am, looking at four star hotels just because I can. I didn’t put it like that. But everyone was stating their flights and hotels so I mentioned that I made a reservation at the one that is most popular with my family but that I also was looking at this other hotel since T had steered me there. He isn’t coming with me on this so he thought I could splurge a little bit. But this is a very Swedish thing, I get that some of you might not understand where this is coming from. I’ll go over that another time.

Bah, to hell with it all. I’ll go to bed and make sure to get some badly needed sleep.

My broken mind

originalIn January 2018 I will have been on sick leave for 3 years. In the beginning this was caused by the crisis reaction I had to the hysterectomy but lately is has been because of my mental state. But I’m lucky, in Sweden you can still live a decent life even if you are a nutcase like me. Around the two year mark my psych doctor suggested that it might be time to start looking at the possibility of putting me on disability pension instead of sick leave since after almost six years I’m still not getting better.

I have been constantly depressed from 2012 with only a handful of spikes bordering on mania. But the years between 2012 and 2015 was still manageable, I could still work at almost full capacity regardless. Come to think of it, depression have always been the default state of mind for me, but I’ve always been able to handle it and move forwards. But not any longer.. so, a few weeks ago in October, I handed in my disability pension application to Försäkringskassan (Swedish social security government). Apart from regular pension, disability pension can be given to anyone who will probably never be able to work a full time job in their lifetime.

This is usually a long and winding process that takes everywhere from 6 to 18 months and it doesn’t look like it will go any faster in my case (I mean.. it took them near 2 months to just open my file). But I’m backed by my doctor and have a solid base from her as she was the one who suggested this. She was very quick with handing in the medical documentation she had on me once Försäkringskassan had sent an inquiry to her.

As for my opinion? It feels weird. This is something I want, I made that clear once I handed in the application for it. I’ve thought about it ever since it was suggested by my doctor, so almost a year, which is rare for someone like me who wants things to be solved before they even began. I know how I react in stressful situations and when I have to socialize more then one day in a row. My recovery and startup times gets longer and longer, forcing myself to things aren’t something I can just shake off any longer.

Still, when I was contacted by my second administrator from Försäkringskassan, I felt like a raving madman. She asked me if there was something she needed to know about me and so I told her about my troubles with answering the phone and other things that she might notice. Her hesitant reaction and answers made me question her astute and bouncy approach.

But I’ll let my brain rest for now. I’m having one of those days when I can’t make heads or tails of anything. It’s like trying to run through syrup.. I better go grab something caffeinated to drink and hope that I’ll wake up from this haziness.

Stream temp. pause

It’s been quite intense with Christmas, streams and an RPG-session so I need to take a few days off to reload and recover from the past days activities. I really wish I didn’t have to, but I’ve been pushing it to manage everything and it just haven’t been working out at all. I’ll take until new years have passed and come back fresh as a daisy.

I’m sorry for any inconvenience this causes and thank you for understanding.

Early signs of the depression getting worse

Sometimes the depression just kicks you in your teeth and you are left wondering what the hell just ran you over because it usually doesn’t feel this bad. Today is such a day. I woke up when T’s alarm went off at 10.30 but I couldn’t for the life of me get up. It felt like someone had poured lead into my arms and legs during the night. T interpreted this as me just being groggy from my regular night meds and told me to keep sleeping before he got up. At 11.50 I awoke again and this time I forced myself out of bed, regardless of how stiff my limbs felt.

I’m usually very tired in the morning, mumbling and dragging my feet until I have gotten some breakfast. Most of the time it’s “only” because my night meds still is in effect but sometimes, like today, it’s because of something else. The day has been calm and uneventful, I haven’t needed to do anything or communicate with anyone so even if I never exited this state of mind, I wasn’t alerted that it was still really bad until it was time for us to get some food. I still had that sleepy, mumbling voice and was dragging my feet along the floor, not really having any energy to go about my business as usual.

For a few days I’ve noticed my appetite go that way as well. One of my early signs are changes in the food I prefer and like. When the depression is getting worse I always find meat and meat products something so disgusting I can’t eat it unless I force it down. Instead I get a taste for things that are yellow, white and preferably round. Liquids usually works well too. Think potatoes (yellow, round), cheeze balls (yellow, round), cheese (yellow, round), bananas (yellow, round if chopped), orange juice (yellow, liquid), yoghurt (white), milk (white), semolina pudding (white), apple sauce (yellow and liquid-ish). The last nail in the coffin was when I noticed that I gagged every time I put a meatball in my mouth and chewed. In the end I just had to force myself to eat the reminding meatballs and not only resort to the mashed potatoes.

But my mood have been heading that way for a while now, I’ve already noticed it. My sleep pattern have changed and I sleep 12 hours or more each day if I don’t force myself to get up when the alarm goes off in the morning. I had to cancel today’s stream, I could hardly speak up so T could head me properly without getting that underlip quiver and shaky voice. I really don’t want it to go this way, I really wish it wouldn’t. But I guess I soon will know if I will be able to handle a major depression with my desired trade..