Sometimes the depression just kicks you in your teeth and you are left wondering what the hell just ran you over because it usually doesn’t feel this bad. Today is such a day. I woke up when T’s alarm went off at 10.30 but I couldn’t for the life of me get up. It felt like someone had poured lead into my arms and legs during the night. T interpreted this as me just being groggy from my regular night meds and told me to keep sleeping before he got up. At 11.50 I awoke again and this time I forced myself out of bed, regardless of how stiff my limbs felt.
I’m usually very tired in the morning, mumbling and dragging my feet until I have gotten some breakfast. Most of the time it’s “only” because my night meds still is in effect but sometimes, like today, it’s because of something else. The day has been calm and uneventful, I haven’t needed to do anything or communicate with anyone so even if I never exited this state of mind, I wasn’t alerted that it was still really bad until it was time for us to get some food. I still had that sleepy, mumbling voice and was dragging my feet along the floor, not really having any energy to go about my business as usual.
For a few days I’ve noticed my appetite go that way as well. One of my early signs are changes in the food I prefer and like. When the depression is getting worse I always find meat and meat products something so disgusting I can’t eat it unless I force it down. Instead I get a taste for things that are yellow, white and preferably round. Liquids usually works well too. Think potatoes (yellow, round), cheeze balls (yellow, round), cheese (yellow, round), bananas (yellow, round if chopped), orange juice (yellow, liquid), yoghurt (white), milk (white), semolina pudding (white), apple sauce (yellow and liquid-ish). The last nail in the coffin was when I noticed that I gagged every time I put a meatball in my mouth and chewed. In the end I just had to force myself to eat the reminding meatballs and not only resort to the mashed potatoes.
But my mood have been heading that way for a while now, I’ve already noticed it. My sleep pattern have changed and I sleep 12 hours or more each day if I don’t force myself to get up when the alarm goes off in the morning. I had to cancel today’s stream, I could hardly speak up so T could head me properly without getting that underlip quiver and shaky voice. I really don’t want it to go this way, I really wish it wouldn’t. But I guess I soon will know if I will be able to handle a major depression with my desired trade..