Uphill battle

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Getting up today was a uphill battle. The phone rang, waking me up. It was T’s grandmother, no doubt with questions about Sunday or something similar. I couldn’t make myself answer so I just stared at the phone until it fell silent. I was awake but no where near getting out of bed. For a long time I just laid on my side, staring into the wall until the cat came and sprawled herself on top of me. Eventually, I managed to get up but it still felt like I was asleep.

I usually boot up my computer and then hit the kitchen right away for some breakfast. I’m usually hungry during mornings so it’s easy for me to eat at this time of day. But today I sat down in my computer chair for some reason and got stuck there for almost a whole hour. I didn’t feel hungry and I had something on my mind that I deemed could not wait. I don’t even remember what that was..

I had to get a hold of myself since T’s grandmother had called, directly after I had eaten my breakfast I made sure to call her back. I also had a meeting with my student today. She’s so close to finalizing her work I felt forced to give myself a few mental punches to get my act together. She needs support, not some drowsy zombie.

But I’m slow. Really, really slow. My mind is sluggish and thoughts come slowly to me. Actions take far longer then they usually do, both to perform and get started on. My whole body hurts and I’m just longing to be able to get to sleep today. I’m also very saddened that the depression seem to have taken my taste buds in an iron grip, this time it has made chicken disgusting. Chicken of all things! It’s one of my go-to foods when I can’t eat red meat. I love chicken! Bah.

Hopefully I can take some me time and recharge the batteries before Christmas on Sunday*. I know socializing takes energy from me, I expected to be tired after the party this weekend. It just.. gets harder then it needs to be when I don’t have the opportunity to recover properly. Maybe I could do with a nice walk in the forest, even though snow covers most of the ground by now. Maybe I could go swimming and go to the relax area afterwards and spend some time in the sauna’s. Mmm.. it’s been a long time since I visited a sauna.

I could go on for a long long time about this, but I’ll give it a rest for now. I’ll hit the hay early tonight and see what I feel like doing tomorrow, if I feel like doing anything at all.

*Swede’s celebrate Christmas on the 24th of December.

Thoughts about my sick leave

I’ve been on sick leave since 5th of January 2015, meeting with my doctor with about a 3 month interval for years now. It began with the severe panic attacks back in mid December 2014 when I was told that the gynecologist had found “something strange” in my ovaries (more on that story here) even if I’ve been on sick leave because of my depressions a few times before this major episode.

Now, I usually don’t write about me being on sick leave that often because there aren’t that much to say about it. I get a set amount of money each month from the government and I have my administrator at the Swedish Social Insurance Agency (Försäkringskassan), like most other Swede’s have in my situation. My psychiatric doctor are in touch with the agency and feeds them information on how my case is progressing roughly once every 3 months. I usually have a meeting with the agency once every six months or so as they like to stay in contact, even if nothing really changes.

I’ve tried going back to a regular job but with unsatisfactory results, my depression and anxiety levels flared up something bad. Therefore, everyone around me from agency administrator to nurses and doctors settled into the fact that it would probably be best if I was just left alone for some time. But, a lot of time have passed by and I’ve been trying to recuperate for years by now and so they are starting to reconsider my case. My doctor have recommended that I’d be considered to switch from the temporal sick leave to disability pension instead, which is a more permanent solution. It would mean I’m not under any pressure to apply for or have a every day job in the traditional meaning.

My agency administrative isn’t happy at all about this, this option is usually reserved for the ones who are never going to be able to handle a regular job ever again. But after several tours back and fourth she recognizes that the attempts to get myself back into a job always have ended badly. I’ve always been set back severely and needed a long time to recover from it. My doctor knows this and it’s the main reason she have put down such a suggestion. My doctor and agency administrator are trying to set a date for a meeting where all this’ll be discussed between the parties that are concerned.

My personal thought though? After discussing it back and forth during the summer T and I both agree that I have a need because of my diagnoses, psychological and physical. I break easily when I’m put under pressure and are exposed to stress. If going on disability pension is the key for my well being, I’ll go down that route. It would mean that I could take things in my own pace and keep all the routines and stability that I seem to need.

I’m in for the marathon, not just the sprint

Today’s stream came crashing down around my ears. The whole ordeal was triggered by something that happened while streaming. The details doesn’t really matter but I will try and learn something from this and hopefully I can handle similar situations better then I did today. What made it so hard was that I was so convinced that I was the one who had wronged. With tears in my eyes I called out for T, who sits just a few centimeters away from me, and told him of it all. He leaned to the side so he could see me (he got his desk behind my screen), asked me a few direct questions and then firmly told me to shut the stream down. He would not have any of it when I meekly objected that I still had 35 minutes of streaming time left. If I didn’t shut down the stream within the next minutes, he would.

So I ended the stream and shut it all down. He heard when it went silent (it still sounds like a jet plane) and came around to my side of the desk to hold me close as I continued sobbing into his chest. He talked me through the whole thing, sensible and calm as he always are, and gently reminded me to make sure nothing had ended up on the stream. It had. But I had no watcher when this happened so I quickly deleted the video so me crying isn’t something that’s left out in the public.

This.. is what I have been worrying about. It seemed like things was going so well and then I just shoot myself in the foot. I’m still not 100% convinced I didn’t do anything wrong, I need to mull it over and put some distance to it before I can feel sure of anything. But I am more sensitive, my mood have been bad the past days and if I where in a comic I’d have one of those thunderclouds over my head. My mind is scattered and I’m having a hard time focusing on things. Just forming a sentence that make any kind of sense is hard. Sorry if this text turns out weird.

But I’m temporarily removing the early streams (12.00-16.00). I’ve been feeling that they are a bit too much to chew on and I’ve already been pondering taking them down for a while. But this episode speaks volumes and I need to listen to it. I’m in for the marathon, not just the sprint.