A few days ago I read a quote while mindlessly scrolling through my feed and it went something like this “Happiness/joy is a state of mind that you choose”. When I first read it, I didn’t think much of it, it just scrolled by on my screen.
I’ve been thinking about this for the past few days though and today at dinner I brought it up with T. I often discuss thoughts like these with him as he as such a different worldview then me and it’s often interesting and informative to hear his standpoint.
I asked him if he ever had thought about it and he quickly said yes, he had been thinking along those lines before. We spoke about it while eating and I slowly put words on the thoughts I’ve been carrying since I first read it. It was hard because I wasn’t sure what my own opinion was.
But this is something so alien to me as happiness have always been a destination, something you must endure hardships and heartaches to attain. Something you are rewarded with for being successful in life. Not something that you simply choose for yourself like deciding what shirt you would like to wear or which breakfast cereal to buy this time.
With that said, this is something that I would like for myself. I would like to get out of the darkness of my own thoughts and state of mind. I get that it wont be easy, it might take years to get there if I ever do. But it would be nice if I could, I think I would like it.
I’m feeling pissed off and stressed out. I have no reason to feel pissed off but I know why I feel stressed out. Most of it is because of the upcoming move, but there are other elements to it as well, like I have at least one thing each day for the next two weeks or so. Had I been the person I was four or five years ago it wouldn’t have been an issue, only one thing a day was a cakewalk. But these days? I’d be happy if I manage two things on a whole week without feeling completely drained.
But we finally have a date for the move and that’s the main reason I’m stressing myself out. The 19th of February will be the big day. Some time before this day the final inspection is scheduled and once that’s out of the way we will initiate the final stages with the bank to finalize the purchase. I’ve had to call so many people in the last two days; the insurance company, the movers, the phone company, the internet provider, tax authorities, friends, family, doctors and other authorities that have to be notified.. I’m sure I’ve forgotten someone.
I feel like I need to speed up the sorting process but it’s not like I’m standing with an apartment full of crap we don’t want, I have been cleaning, sorting and donating for over a year now. The biggest thing that are left are the wardrobe, after that I’m through it all. Even if I just pack one box a day, I’ll still be done with 3 week to go. It will be fine, I just have to keep reminding me of that.
Come to think about it I suppose I’m feeling pissed off because of the persons who came into my chat (one yesterday and another one today) and asked me if I knew what a diet was. I’m pretty sure it was the same person come to think of it. Regardless, I’m mostly pissed of at myself, that I let that kind of things get to me. I know I’m not the thin ideal the society seem to want everyone to be and I possess no otherworldly beauty (in my opinion), but to be honest, who do?
I knew I would get this reaction eventually. To be honest I’m kinda surprised that it haven’t come until now. But even if I wanted to, there are no point in defending myself and giving these trolls the satisfaction of getting a response out of me. No, I simply banned them from my channel and went on with my stream. I’ll try to look at it like an effect from my channel getting more viewers/followers.
I felt like I had gotten stuck in a rut with my streaming. I kept leaning heavily against Diablo 3, afraid to loose viewers if I played something else. But still I spoke about myself as a variety streamer, not focusing on one game only. Something needed to change and I finally mustered enough courage to play something completely different. It began with Agatha Knife, followed by Dishonored 2 and now I’m deep in Sundered. It was terrifying making the change, I’m still a bit afraid that I will wake up to no followers or viewers at all. But it doesn’t really work like that, does it? With this change I also see who comes to my channel because of me rather then the game I play. But I feel comfortable with the situation as it is now. A few unfollows are bound to happen before the channel (and me) finds where it will stand but as long as the inflow in bigger then the outflow, I don’t think I have much to worry about.
Other then that thoughts of Christmas has invaded my brain. It always happens as Christmas is a time of turbulence rather then joy for me. It has always been like this, but growing up I didn’t understand just how twisted it had been. The recent (well, 5 years so not that recent maybe) strain on my relationship to my mother is also making itself known around this time. For some reason she often tries to re-establish a connection between us around Christmas. It always feels like she does this because she should, not want. I’m perfectly fine without relationships I should have, especially when they have caused the kind of wounds this particular relationship has. Having celebrated Christmas with my husbands family for many years now, I finally understand what should and shouldn’t be.
But we got a lot on our minds right now. T has a huge workload with final examinations for the semester coming up this next week and I’ve been gripped by this irrational fear that the moving company we booked won’t come through as planned. My mind is buzzing with all the details before the move and I’m both incredibly happy and completely stressed out at the same time. Things like I haven’t started packing yet, but why should I? We don’t even know when we’re due to move yet. The neighbours in the house next to ours haven’t even started moving in yet and the final inspection dates for our house is still to be released. But still, when I saw the pictures taken from one of our neighbours apartments.. I almost began weeping with joy. This isn’t from our apartment, but it seems to be pretty similar to the one we will get.
Over the sink
But I can’t seem catch up on my sleepiness and my fingers itches constantly as I feel the need to do something. No one really knows what will happen for Christmas though. My mother-in-law is going on a vacation over the holidays this year so the traditional celebrations is kind of left out there hanging. I know T wouldn’t mind skipping it all together, but it would be the first year ever that we didn’t do any kind of celebration. I would also have liked to go on some kind of trip, but since we’re so close to buying the apartment, we can’t really afford anything like that.
I ended yesterdays post with the line “I’m not ready to let go of this place just yet”. Since then I’ve read and re-read (like I always do) the post and this particular line got me thinking. It’s true I’ve always been protective of who I let into my home but for this apartment it’s particularly sensitive, and I asked myself Why?
As I went over it with T yesterday after I received the text, it hit me. We’ve been living here for 10 years. I have never, in my whole life, stayed at one place for so long. Due to my mother’s diagnoses we have always moved around quite a lot. Mostly we moved within my childhood city but a few times we adventured out into the great unknown and at most we stayed about a year in the same place. But often we headed to a new place much quicker then that. At 14 years old, I had moved 17 times in my life. 10 times within the city limit, 4 times outside the municipality and 2 times several hundred of kilometers away.
When I got my own place at 15 years old, I stayed there for less then a year. Then I moved much further south since I wanted to attend a specific private school and stayed in that city for about 8 months. Then I met my future husband and soon after I moved to “his” city as I had trouble with finding a place to live in the city where the school was located. But in that first, super small apartment I got in “his” city, we stayed for 6 years. Then we got this apartment, to which we moved a few months after we married, and here we still are.
If it hadn’t been for SJ (Swedish Railways) and the train commuting being such a hassle for him, we would probably never even thought about moving at all. That and the small lecture I got from my father two years ago really set things into motion. With less then 3 months away I can’t really decide what I feel. I’m both exited and saddened. I know very well how to pack and care for all those things, it’s leaving this safe haven I think I’m mostly afraid of.
T has said that he hope that this will be the last move we have to make, for like, ever. I smiled a little when he said it but you know what? I also hope that we will live there for the rest of our days. I have moved around enough to cover several lifetimes, I’m ready to settle down. There’s something about staying for so long at one place and I think I like it.
A few weeks ago we attended a meeting regarding moving to our new apartment. It’s two brand new houses with 48 apartments, 24 in each house. There’s a lot of people moving in at the same time so some coordination was needed, hence the meeting. We’ve known about this meeting for about a year now and have put a lot of “move related” processes to be started after this meeting. But as that point have passed, it feels like the move is upon us any day now, even if it’s still roughly three months left. But this means I need to start a few processes and contact a bunch of people.
For one we need to book a moving company. We’ve been reassured by many of our friends that they would gladly help out with moving and I guess we do have a bunch of favors we could make use of if we wanted, but that’s just the thing. We don’t want to. We dislike having to help others move so we have decided that we will not ask our friends to help us in this regard. We much rather pay someone to do it for us since we have the funds for it.
I also needed to contact our landlord and dig out the lease for the place we’re renting now, this is because the form to hand in when moving out is on the back of the lease. But since I’m a worrying soul (as my grandmother called me), I knew exactly where I had put it. But because of this we also had to set a definite date as the final day for the actual move even if we still doesn’t know for sure when exactly we get to move in at the new place. It’s all very confusing at this moment.
People keep telling me this is the best part of it all, but I don’t know.. It’s hard for me to contact and be contacted by loads of different people, no matter how much I look forward to this. I also have a hard time with changes, good or bad. This is a huge change and I worry how tiring it will be for me. I know it will be great once it’s done and we’ve settled in at the new place, but it’s the journey there I’m unsure of.
Regardless, when I was on my way home today (at 14:45/3:45 pm) I saw a gorgeous scene. I stopped the car (of course) and took the above picture. No matter how much I dislike the snow and cold, it does make for some exquisite sights.
I love sleeping in when I can, some times though it’s more of a necessity then a choice. But the best feeling of all is when you really needed it and you had the opportunity to sleep a little extra. Sleeping 11 hours a night isn’t that good though, I know that. But since it have been a few hectic days I thought it was okay for this time.
Today I’ll try and relax as much as I can. But I feel a bit stressed though, since tomorrow is the first time that my very own Mage – The Ascension (a table top RPG) group is going to gather to create characters. When I say “my very own” I mean that I will be GM:ing for the group. I have GM:ed before, but mostly to smaller groups of one or two people. As it looks right now they’ll be five players. I wouldn’t have agreed to that size of a group unless I felt confident I could make it, I’ve played Mage several times myself and know the system well enough to be able to handle it, or so I think. But still, it’s something quite new to me and that’s always a bit nerve wrecking.
So today will be a day for reading, plotting and otherwise planning the very beginning of the story so I’m ready for questions and similar stuff tomorrow 🙂
A few weeks ago I made a post about the dice jail that my GM had built for me. The very same night he put down a base layer of paint on it an set it out to dry. Some time later T brought it home with him so I could decorate it before the next Pathfinder RPG session (T and the GM is good friends so they often get together and play board games at the GM’s house since he has a tonne of games).
As I’ve mentioned before, I have no real tools for this kind of work but I still find it fun and rewarding to create something with my own hands. I made do with a silver pen, a permanent black marker, glue and some random pieces of paper for the “DICE JAIL” sign. I colored the sign black and distressed it with a regular nail file before I glued it onto the bars. Coloring and shading of the bars was made by first putting down a layer of silver ink, let it dry, use the black marker and then quickly dry the black ink off before it set completely to make it look old and used.
During last nights RPG session I got to use it a few times for disobedient dices and it works! We had a six sided dice that only rolled ones and after a few rounds in the jail it only rolled sixes 😂