I felt like I had gotten stuck in a rut with my streaming. I kept leaning heavily against Diablo 3, afraid to loose viewers if I played something else. But still I spoke about myself as a variety streamer, not focusing on one game only. Something needed to change and I finally mustered enough courage to play something completely different. It began with Agatha Knife, followed by Dishonored 2 and now I’m deep in Sundered. It was terrifying making the change, I’m still a bit afraid that I will wake up to no followers or viewers at all. But it doesn’t really work like that, does it? With this change I also see who comes to my channel because of me rather then the game I play. But I feel comfortable with the situation as it is now. A few unfollows are bound to happen before the channel (and me) finds where it will stand but as long as the inflow in bigger then the outflow, I don’t think I have much to worry about.
Other then that thoughts of Christmas has invaded my brain. It always happens as Christmas is a time of turbulence rather then joy for me. It has always been like this, but growing up I didn’t understand just how twisted it had been. The recent (well, 5 years so not that recent maybe) strain on my relationship to my mother is also making itself known around this time. For some reason she often tries to re-establish a connection between us around Christmas. It always feels like she does this because she should, not want. I’m perfectly fine without relationships I should have, especially when they have caused the kind of wounds this particular relationship has. Having celebrated Christmas with my husbands family for many years now, I finally understand what should and shouldn’t be.
But we got a lot on our minds right now. T has a huge workload with final examinations for the semester coming up this next week and I’ve been gripped by this irrational fear that the moving company we booked won’t come through as planned. My mind is buzzing with all the details before the move and I’m both incredibly happy and completely stressed out at the same time. Things like I haven’t started packing yet, but why should I? We don’t even know when we’re due to move yet. The neighbours in the house next to ours haven’t even started moving in yet and the final inspection dates for our house is still to be released. But still, when I saw the pictures taken from one of our neighbours apartments.. I almost began weeping with joy. This isn’t from our apartment, but it seems to be pretty similar to the one we will get.
Over the sink
But I can’t seem catch up on my sleepiness and my fingers itches constantly as I feel the need to do something. No one really knows what will happen for Christmas though. My mother-in-law is going on a vacation over the holidays this year so the traditional celebrations is kind of left out there hanging. I know T wouldn’t mind skipping it all together, but it would be the first year ever that we didn’t do any kind of celebration. I would also have liked to go on some kind of trip, but since we’re so close to buying the apartment, we can’t really afford anything like that.
I ended yesterdays post with the line “I’m not ready to let go of this place just yet”. Since then I’ve read and re-read (like I always do) the post and this particular line got me thinking. It’s true I’ve always been protective of who I let into my home but for this apartment it’s particularly sensitive, and I asked myself Why?
As I went over it with T yesterday after I received the text, it hit me. We’ve been living here for 10 years. I have never, in my whole life, stayed at one place for so long. Due to my mother’s diagnoses we have always moved around quite a lot. Mostly we moved within my childhood city but a few times we adventured out into the great unknown and at most we stayed about a year in the same place. But often we headed to a new place much quicker then that. At 14 years old, I had moved 17 times in my life. 10 times within the city limit, 4 times outside the municipality and 2 times several hundred of kilometers away.
When I got my own place at 15 years old, I stayed there for less then a year. Then I moved much further south since I wanted to attend a specific private school and stayed in that city for about 8 months. Then I met my future husband and soon after I moved to “his” city as I had trouble with finding a place to live in the city where the school was located. But in that first, super small apartment I got in “his” city, we stayed for 6 years. Then we got this apartment, to which we moved a few months after we married, and here we still are.
If it hadn’t been for SJ (Swedish Railways) and the train commuting being such a hassle for him, we would probably never even thought about moving at all. That and the small lecture I got from my father two years ago really set things into motion. With less then 3 months away I can’t really decide what I feel. I’m both exited and saddened. I know very well how to pack and care for all those things, it’s leaving this safe haven I think I’m mostly afraid of.
T has said that he hope that this will be the last move we have to make, for like, ever. I smiled a little when he said it but you know what? I also hope that we will live there for the rest of our days. I have moved around enough to cover several lifetimes, I’m ready to settle down. There’s something about staying for so long at one place and I think I like it.
A few weeks ago we attended a meeting regarding moving to our new apartment. It’s two brand new houses with 48 apartments, 24 in each house. There’s a lot of people moving in at the same time so some coordination was needed, hence the meeting. We’ve known about this meeting for about a year now and have put a lot of “move related” processes to be started after this meeting. But as that point have passed, it feels like the move is upon us any day now, even if it’s still roughly three months left. But this means I need to start a few processes and contact a bunch of people.
For one we need to book a moving company. We’ve been reassured by many of our friends that they would gladly help out with moving and I guess we do have a bunch of favors we could make use of if we wanted, but that’s just the thing. We don’t want to. We dislike having to help others move so we have decided that we will not ask our friends to help us in this regard. We much rather pay someone to do it for us since we have the funds for it.
I also needed to contact our landlord and dig out the lease for the place we’re renting now, this is because the form to hand in when moving out is on the back of the lease. But since I’m a worrying soul (as my grandmother called me), I knew exactly where I had put it. But because of this we also had to set a definite date as the final day for the actual move even if we still doesn’t know for sure when exactly we get to move in at the new place. It’s all very confusing at this moment.
People keep telling me this is the best part of it all, but I don’t know.. It’s hard for me to contact and be contacted by loads of different people, no matter how much I look forward to this. I also have a hard time with changes, good or bad. This is a huge change and I worry how tiring it will be for me. I know it will be great once it’s done and we’ve settled in at the new place, but it’s the journey there I’m unsure of.
Regardless, when I was on my way home today (at 14:45/3:45 pm) I saw a gorgeous scene. I stopped the car (of course) and took the above picture. No matter how much I dislike the snow and cold, it does make for some exquisite sights.
I love sleeping in when I can, some times though it’s more of a necessity then a choice. But the best feeling of all is when you really needed it and you had the opportunity to sleep a little extra. Sleeping 11 hours a night isn’t that good though, I know that. But since it have been a few hectic days I thought it was okay for this time.
Today I’ll try and relax as much as I can. But I feel a bit stressed though, since tomorrow is the first time that my very own Mage – The Ascension (a table top RPG) group is going to gather to create characters. When I say “my very own” I mean that I will be GM:ing for the group. I have GM:ed before, but mostly to smaller groups of one or two people. As it looks right now they’ll be five players. I wouldn’t have agreed to that size of a group unless I felt confident I could make it, I’ve played Mage several times myself and know the system well enough to be able to handle it, or so I think. But still, it’s something quite new to me and that’s always a bit nerve wrecking.
So today will be a day for reading, plotting and otherwise planning the very beginning of the story so I’m ready for questions and similar stuff tomorrow 🙂
A few weeks ago I made a post about the dice jail that my GM had built for me. The very same night he put down a base layer of paint on it an set it out to dry. Some time later T brought it home with him so I could decorate it before the next Pathfinder RPG session (T and the GM is good friends so they often get together and play board games at the GM’s house since he has a tonne of games).
As I’ve mentioned before, I have no real tools for this kind of work but I still find it fun and rewarding to create something with my own hands. I made do with a silver pen, a permanent black marker, glue and some random pieces of paper for the “DICE JAIL” sign. I colored the sign black and distressed it with a regular nail file before I glued it onto the bars. Coloring and shading of the bars was made by first putting down a layer of silver ink, let it dry, use the black marker and then quickly dry the black ink off before it set completely to make it look old and used.
During last nights RPG session I got to use it a few times for disobedient dices and it works! We had a six sided dice that only rolled ones and after a few rounds in the jail it only rolled sixes 😂
Yesterday was a strange kind of day. T was out with his colleagues on bowling and beer to take farewell of a co-worker that did his last day yesterday. This meant I was on my own the majority of the day. But I had promised to be on stand by for pickup service wherever T happened to find himself once the night was coming to an end. T works in the city we’re moving to in February, which is about 36 km (22 miles) away so it’s a bit too far for him to walk.. In any case, I hadn’t intended to stream for as long as I did but I’m really happy that I did. I clocked in at 8 hours and had both 2 new subscribers (IIH SUBSCRIBERS!!) and 500 new shiny bits to show for it. It was a very good day and even if I was quite exhausted once I took the stream down I was so happy. I even gave away the most rare thing I could come to think of to one of my new subs: a picture of me with a huge smile.
But I’m worried about T. During the past week he had his first lectures for the term and since then he has had problems with his throat. Initially we thought it was only because he had been talking so much more then he was used to for two days straight. But as the days have passed he haven’t gotten better at all, it’s only gotten worse. Today it was so bad he both lost sleep and threw up from the discomfort and once I got out of bed we realized he almost couldn’t talk at all. I’ve told him to rest his voice as much as possible these coming days so he has the best chance to recover from whatever he have gotten. I give him clear yes or no questions when I have to communicate with him so he can minimize the usage of his vocal cords by just nodding one way or the other. I also serve him cup after cup with hot beverages like tea and chocolate with a huge spoon of honey in it as that seems to soothe the soreness.
My poor love.. my heart always hurts whenever he’s sick or doesn’t feel well. And him throwing up was something that was really alarming. I remember the times he have felt that bad during all our years together and him getting to that point has always been because he drank to much, never because of sickness. I guess I can’t do more then I’m already doing, but I wish I could take the sickness and discomfort away from him and suffer through them myself on his account. He deserves his weekends and days off, he work so hard already 😔
Ever since I learned about the dice jail (to the left) I’ve wanted one. You can buy it off Etsy but the shipping to Sweden was more then the actual product so I’ve held off on buying anything but it saddened me since I fell in love with the little trinket. Occasionally I’ve talked about this funny thing as everyone who has ever played any kind of RPG knows that the dices sometimes needs to be shamed when they are naughty and only rolls misses. The Pathfinder group met on Friday and they asked if I had bought the dice jail yet and I told them it was much too expensive with the shipping fee being so high. I get a couple of “Aaww” and sympathetic nodding “Mmm” and I thought nothing more of it.
My DM though, who are quite handy and have access to both power tools and material, thought that it couldn’t take that much effort or money to throw together something like this. He went and bought a few flower sticks for the bars and used some throw away pieces of wood that he happened to have laying around. He then went to work with saw, drill, sandpaper and glue. When we gathered yesterday again (we played two days in a row) he handed me the small wooden cage and said it was a little gift. I was overjoyed when I realized what it was and had a hard time to stop grinning like a fool during the whole RPG session. Me scolding the dices and threatening them with the jail drew almost as many laughs as when I actually put the naughty dices in there.
Gate open, unpained
Gate closed, unpainted
Gate open, base layer of paint
Gate closed, base layer of paint
My DM also had some black spray paint in his tool cabinet and offered to put down a base layer of paint on it so I had something to work from. I happily accepted this as I have nothing of the sort at home. So, I’m planning to buy a silver pen (for the bars) and then I’ll design a small sign that will go across the bars stating “DICE JAIL”, just like on the model. The group also suggested writing something like “Naughty dices are being punished here” or “Ignoble, disobedient pieces of plastic rests in this garden of shame” in latin on the rim of the top and bottom.
I never knew two planks and a couple of cut off flower sticks could make me so happy ｡^‿^｡