Broken record

I’m heading deeper into the depression. Sleeping 14 hours a night is something I’ve been doing for roughly a week by now. I’m trying to cut myself some slack but without much success. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve told my nurse at the psychiatrist ward that I want to get in contact with my doctor, the chief physician, to look over if we can adjust my medication or do something else to give me some relief from the anxiety.

My downwards spiral was worsened by a letter that arrived in my mailbox two days ago. It was from my administrator at Försäkringskassan. The letter said that they are “considering” rejecting my application for disability pension since I’m not sick enough, or something like that. Now, I know they are strict with their judgement but it still affected me very badly.

I’ve tried to get in contact with the administrator, as the letter suggests that I can, to talk about why they are considering rejecting my application and if there’s something I can do to explain just how much I’m affected by this crap. For two days there’s been nothing but silence. I did leave her a message the day the letter came, saying I wanted to get in touch with her.

Today she finally called, two minutes after I went into my opticians office. Two minutes!! 😠The only half hour the past 72 hours that I really couldn’t answer she calls. I was so pissed off once I saw that I had missed her call. So now I need to carry on with myself and wait yet another day and hope that she calls me tomorrow and that I can answer, or that I get hold of her somehow before she leaves her office for the weekend.

My whole body aches at this point. I’ve had to take my migraine nasal spray and painkillers to at least alleviate the pain somewhat. I was in bed by 21:30 (9:30 pm) yesterday and it looks like this will be the case for today as well. But considering that I know that the administrator at Försäkringskassan will be in her office at 08:00 (8 am) I might just want to go to bed early so I can get up and call her first thing tomorrow.

I feel so whiny. But sadly, this is what’s up right now. There aren’t many things that are on my mind, just really big ones. The move. The polyp and possible new cancer cases in the family. The administrator and the whole shebang with that. One of these things had been enough. But this is how it is according to Murphys Law, everything that can go wrong will go wrong and preferably at the same time.

Now excuse me, I’ll go hide in the arms of my husband for the rest of the evening.

Chaos

dl-1xpgwaaehw_tSo I’ve dyed my hair so much I burned off another 6-7 centimeters. Instead of fighting this uphill battle, with my hair being totally destroyed time and time again, I went to my hair dresser and had her cut it all off. I now sport one of those really short haircuts that I’m used to having and I’ll start over again.

I am freaking out about the move. I’m over the top happy about it at the same time as I’m scared senseless. I won’t pin this hair mess to the move, this began earlier then that, but it’s a contributing factor.

I finally got my ass off my hands and got to clean out the wardrobe. I mostly have to pack the majority of stuff down now. I think I’ll attack the living room tomorrow and focus on items that we want to keep but doesn’t need to have up. That way I can sort out stuff I think we’ll need but still go over and pack whatever else is left.

I am more affected by this polyp thing then I’ve allowed myself to feel. I was telling T about my mood on Saturday after the Mage RPG-session and when I was (what I thought at least) glossing over how I felt about it all I suddenly found myself crying. It was shortly after this that the hair frenzy ensued once more.

My gut feeling is that I don’t want to post this, my mind is everywhere. This is an unorganized side of myself that I strongly dislike. I used to be the most focused, robust person and now I can’t even control my impulses. I’m so, so tired. But even through my tiredness I can’t sleep when I go to bed and I can’t sit still. I have to do something all the time.

And now I’m worried that I came off snobbishly in the group chat I have with my family. We are meeting up this summer and everyone is scouring for the cheapest living quarters and here I am, looking at four star hotels just because I can. I didn’t put it like that. But everyone was stating their flights and hotels so I mentioned that I made a reservation at the one that is most popular with my family but that I also was looking at this other hotel since T had steered me there. He isn’t coming with me on this so he thought I could splurge a little bit. But this is a very Swedish thing, I get that some of you might not understand where this is coming from. I’ll go over that another time.

Bah, to hell with it all. I’ll go to bed and make sure to get some badly needed sleep.

Uphill battle

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Getting up today was a uphill battle. The phone rang, waking me up. It was T’s grandmother, no doubt with questions about Sunday or something similar. I couldn’t make myself answer so I just stared at the phone until it fell silent. I was awake but no where near getting out of bed. For a long time I just laid on my side, staring into the wall until the cat came and sprawled herself on top of me. Eventually, I managed to get up but it still felt like I was asleep.

I usually boot up my computer and then hit the kitchen right away for some breakfast. I’m usually hungry during mornings so it’s easy for me to eat at this time of day. But today I sat down in my computer chair for some reason and got stuck there for almost a whole hour. I didn’t feel hungry and I had something on my mind that I deemed could not wait. I don’t even remember what that was..

I had to get a hold of myself since T’s grandmother had called, directly after I had eaten my breakfast I made sure to call her back. I also had a meeting with my student today. She’s so close to finalizing her work I felt forced to give myself a few mental punches to get my act together. She needs support, not some drowsy zombie.

But I’m slow. Really, really slow. My mind is sluggish and thoughts come slowly to me. Actions take far longer then they usually do, both to perform and get started on. My whole body hurts and I’m just longing to be able to get to sleep today. I’m also very saddened that the depression seem to have taken my taste buds in an iron grip, this time it has made chicken disgusting. Chicken of all things! It’s one of my go-to foods when I can’t eat red meat. I love chicken! Bah.

Hopefully I can take some me time and recharge the batteries before Christmas on Sunday*. I know socializing takes energy from me, I expected to be tired after the party this weekend. It just.. gets harder then it needs to be when I don’t have the opportunity to recover properly. Maybe I could do with a nice walk in the forest, even though snow covers most of the ground by now. Maybe I could go swimming and go to the relax area afterwards and spend some time in the sauna’s. Mmm.. it’s been a long time since I visited a sauna.

I could go on for a long long time about this, but I’ll give it a rest for now. I’ll hit the hay early tonight and see what I feel like doing tomorrow, if I feel like doing anything at all.

*Swede’s celebrate Christmas on the 24th of December.

Update from a busy bee

It’s been a few days since I wrote something, I’ve had a lot to do. It’s just now calming down and I’m enjoying a few moments of peace and quiet before it’s time for the next, but last, occasion this weekend that requires our attendance.

It began with the charity event on Thursday and the leveling of a new character in Diablo 3. I managed to get to my first goal but was a bit discouraged as I streamed for a total of twelve and a half hour without having any interaction from anyone – at all. But it was somewhat expected since Diablo 3 never see so many viewers as it does when a new season comes live. I was not alone in streaming the game.

My day was completely reversed since I got to bed around 6.30 (AM) after having successfully reached level 70 with my monk. Even though I really wanted to sleep my full 9 hours, I chose to only sleep for 6 hours and then get going again. I was joined by T both on Thursday and Friday, but I was much too tired to pull another all nighter and only stayed up as long as T did on Friday.

Which leaves us on today. Today it was time for my Mage group to gather for another RPG-session. I hadn’t had much time to plan for it but I still had some of the plans that I laid down in the very beginning and the group kind of ended in the middle of something, so I hoped that would carry us through for another session. Luckily it did and we’re now through the intro completely. I have much I need to plan for and a lot of loose threads that I want to weave into the story again.

The last thing for today is dinner at my mother-in-law’s. It’s kind of rare that she invites us like this, but it’s probably because T recently had his birthday and neither of us had any time to get together. I’m sure it’ll be fine, it’s something informal at least and for that I’m very grateful. I’m really tired from these intense three days and I would love to just skip everything and go to bed.

I will still stream the last session for the charity event tomorrow, but I’m gonna try to get started early so I can do another 12 hours without having to be up all night. I’m a bit worried how I’m gonna be affected when messing around with my sleep like this, last time I did it was when the necromancer was released and that took a while to recover from. If I get the same effect this time I think I’ll better skip events like these, or at least don’t mess around with my sleep as much around them.

Around and around we go

I’m tired, so very tired. I knew this would come. It has been a lot. I’ve socialized with many. Still, when it happens, it’s so hard. I just want to lay down, resign from everything and go into hibernation like the bears do. Refuse to come out until we’re on the lighter side of the year. The darkness is causing some of this too, I know, but I don’t really care where it comes from. It’s just here. Dominating everything.

In reality I love the fall, I love the darkness, the colorful leaves, the cooler temperatures and that you can bundle up without melting away. The fall has always been a time for new beginnings and fresh starts, it’s probably because school always starts in September in Sweden. But when this tiredness gets hold of me none of that matters. At points, I’m so tired I just want to cry. But that’s a colossal waste of energy, I’d rather do something else with the energy it takes crying.

Other then that the fall also means it’s time for my yearly vaccination. Since I’m diabetic my immune system is kinda weak and it takes a long time for me to recover if I get infected, so I’m prompted by medical personell to get the influenza vaccine each year for both my own sake and other’s. I always used to be sick each winter before I found out about my diabetes, but I have only been infected once since I began with vaccines. But it passed much quicker then it usually do, that one time I did get sick.

In my calendar I’m starting to have popups that it’s been a year since I did my  last fundus photography (an evil procedure where you get drops that widens the pupil and then they take flash photos with the lens practically in your eye) and colonoscopy so I guess it’s time to start tracking if they are sending me a letter with an appointment or not. The healthcare system are great in Sweden, but sometimes they miss out on calling in time and for these procedures, especially the last, it’s very important that I get to do them on time. The fundus thing are pretty much what it is. It’s uncomfortable but quickly over with. For the colonoscopy I need to prepare much more, it’s also more taxing on my well being having to think about it as much as I have to.

One positive with being this excruciatingly tired though? I have no energy left over to be either angry or anxious. I don’t really know which one I prefer to be honest..

Busy days

It’s been a hectic few days lately. Nothing big have happened really, it’s just been jam-packed with a bunch of smaller things. Yesterday though was a long and tiring day. I was supposed to help one of my students with her schoolwork but that was cancelled so I decided to clean the apartment instead. That took roughly three hours and once I was done I had just enough time to shower and eat before it was time for me to leave for my biannual lecture at the local hospital.

Twice per year I’m invited to the local psychiatry institution to talk about how it is to live with my diagnose in front of 30 or so people. It’s usually a very intimate occasion, I speak very openly about what problems I run into on a daily basis, how my mood violently swings without notice and how I work with it both on my own but also through psychotherapy.

So in total I do four appearances though a year, twice at the local University and twice at the local hospital, talking about my diagnose and how it affect me and my daily life. I usually focus on when things go wrong as that’s what most of both groups will benefit from learning about. At the University I speak in front of student nurses and at the hospital I talk to patients and their relatives such as partners, siblings, parents and even grandparents. It’s usually a very appreciated lecture and I like doing it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t tire me out..

I’m tired but don’t know exactly why

I’m tired, so very tired. When I thought about it, and later went over it with T, I couldn’t tell if it was because of the hours I’ve added to my schedule or if it was tiredness caused by something else or both. Probably the latter though. I’ve been on many social gatherings lately and I haven’t been able to sleep the usual 14 to 16 hours after each gathering like my body have required the past two years.

Not sleeping 14 to 16 hours is something good though. I think 8 to 9 hours is justified at this point, I’m still in the depression but since I started streaming I’ve slowly been getting better. My anxiety isn’t as bad, I don’t need as much medication as I did back in 2015 when my mind crashed completely. But still, days like these are hard to go through. Feeling like everything is against you and not being able to take control over your own mind and body? It’s both hard and frustrating.

Luckily I have T. He might not always understand everything that’s moving around in my mind and what feelings I’m experiencing, but he do what he can to make these days easier on me. He has his own issues and cooking is something he downright refuses to do, but he takes me out to whatever restaurant or fast food place that my heart desires, no objections at all. He usually hugs me more as well as he knows the feeling of his arms tightly wrapped around me, and the smell of him and his hair, is something that soothes my otherwise jagged mind.

I also try make sure I get time to recharge my batteries when I have days/weeks/months like these. I try to do small things for myself like taking a walk, color in any of my coloring books, spoil myself with luxurious face masks or something like that. Today I felt like putting on a hair mask as my hair still is very damaged from all the bleaching and dyeing I’ve been doing lately. I have a special treatment series that’s supposed to help rebuild the hair’s structure (Maria Nila Repair) and it has worked very well for me. I wash my hair with the shampoo, put in the mask and leave there (underneath a plastic cap so the warmth stay around) for about an hour. Once the time is up I rinse and finish it all off with a little conditioner. And slowly my hair is regaining strength. I don’t loose as much any longer but whatever is still stuck to my head is still brittle and damaged.