I felt like I had gotten stuck in a rut with my streaming. I kept leaning heavily against Diablo 3, afraid to loose viewers if I played something else. But still I spoke about myself as a variety streamer, not focusing on one game only. Something needed to change and I finally mustered enough courage to play something completely different. It began with Agatha Knife, followed by Dishonored 2 and now I’m deep in Sundered. It was terrifying making the change, I’m still a bit afraid that I will wake up to no followers or viewers at all. But it doesn’t really work like that, does it? With this change I also see who comes to my channel because of me rather then the game I play. But I feel comfortable with the situation as it is now. A few unfollows are bound to happen before the channel (and me) finds where it will stand but as long as the inflow in bigger then the outflow, I don’t think I have much to worry about.
Other then that thoughts of Christmas has invaded my brain. It always happens as Christmas is a time of turbulence rather then joy for me. It has always been like this, but growing up I didn’t understand just how twisted it had been. The recent (well, 5 years so not that recent maybe) strain on my relationship to my mother is also making itself known around this time. For some reason she often tries to re-establish a connection between us around Christmas. It always feels like she does this because she should, not want. I’m perfectly fine without relationships I should have, especially when they have caused the kind of wounds this particular relationship has. Having celebrated Christmas with my husbands family for many years now, I finally understand what should and shouldn’t be.
But we got a lot on our minds right now. T has a huge workload with final examinations for the semester coming up this next week and I’ve been gripped by this irrational fear that the moving company we booked won’t come through as planned. My mind is buzzing with all the details before the move and I’m both incredibly happy and completely stressed out at the same time. Things like I haven’t started packing yet, but why should I? We don’t even know when we’re due to move yet. The neighbours in the house next to ours haven’t even started moving in yet and the final inspection dates for our house is still to be released. But still, when I saw the pictures taken from one of our neighbours apartments.. I almost began weeping with joy. This isn’t from our apartment, but it seems to be pretty similar to the one we will get.
Over the sink
But I can’t seem catch up on my sleepiness and my fingers itches constantly as I feel the need to do something. No one really knows what will happen for Christmas though. My mother-in-law is going on a vacation over the holidays this year so the traditional celebrations is kind of left out there hanging. I know T wouldn’t mind skipping it all together, but it would be the first year ever that we didn’t do any kind of celebration. I would also have liked to go on some kind of trip, but since we’re so close to buying the apartment, we can’t really afford anything like that.
It’s been a weird couple of days. It’s been hard to write as I’ve had my feelings up in my throat for almost all hours of the day. You’d think I would be used to this as I always have feelings, high or low. But let me tell you a little about my past days.
The meeting with the landlord was less scary then I had anticipated. He had brought a writing board, the kind that you see around inspections and surveys, but he made a small joke about it so I relaxed almost instantly. Truth be told, it felt as if he was on my side against the corporation that employs him.. that if he could choose he wouldn’t have us pay for the damage to the wallpapers. He did the inspection and the only room he thought had too much of damage was the bedroom. Which is logical if you think about it, the cats spend most of their time in our bedroom. But he also added that they might not require us to pay for it since we had been such exemplary tenants. We have never gotten an complaint against us and we have never been late with the rent for ten years straight. Who knew being a computer nerd who never parties would gain you favors with your landlord 🤔😆
The very same day I learned that my aunt might have gotten another round of the big C. She had breast cancer two years ago and on her last checkup they found another lump beneath the surgical scars from the first round of cancer. They have taken some tests and sent it to the lab, but it will take a few days until the results are in. She will also be called to do another mammography within a week, or so we’re told. I cried the whole afternoon after I’ve learnt of my aunt. Most of the fear was of course for my aunt’s sake, I love her dearly and she’s been such a strong role model throughout my life that the thought of loosing her scares me much more then I’ve realized. A small part of it was also fear for myself. To see her struggle, to take part in her battle, is like looking in the mirror. I have at least an 85% risk (the minimum heightened risk for Lynch Syndrome patients) of having to go through this myself. Her struggle has become something more then that for me, it’s my struggle too. The survival of all my relatives, dad, my uncles and my aunt are so very important to me.
The last thing that have had me on my toes are something I’ve chosen to not write about yet. But it did cause me to cry a lot as well. I felt extremely silly for reacting that way, but after a while I could put words on my reaction and move past the initial stages of chock and sadness. But not to worry, it’s about hair so no earth shattering revelations or anything like that. When I’m ready to think about it without starting the waterworks, I’ll get more into detail.
Other then that I’ve also made some progress with my Twitch streams. I think I’ve found “my people” on the site and I very much love being a part of this community. I’ve always been extremely resistent to the grinding in games. I don’t mind repetitive tasks, I even like it. When grinding something in a game, or real life for that matter, I get a chance to do something with my hands while my mind is free to wander. It’s something that’s relaxing for me to do and thus I also do well in games that have this element. The community I’ve found are a bunch of people who are just like me in this regard. It’s not a big thing really, but it still makes me smile when I think about it.
A while ago I had to do only early streams because of how rest the rest of my life looked. During this time though, I noticed that I did get about as many viewers streaming early as I did when I was streaming late. But while doing the early streams I also noticed that my anxiety was somewhat easier to manage.
For some time I didn’t know if that was because my anxiety had receded on it’s own or if it was because I had made that change in my schedule, but I decided to keep doing the early streams to see if the feeling would stay the same. Because of the reaction I’ve gotten from myself I will continue to stream in the early afternoons, from ~12.00 to ~16.30, instead of during the evenings.
But I’m very interested in hearing from you, the viewer. If you have some feedback on this change, positive or negative, please leave a comment and tell me if this will affect when/if you will be possible to catch me live on Twitch.
I’m still adjusting the small details of the blog design. I’m sorry if it’s annoying or frustrating to come back to something new again. If it’s any consolation, it’s very frustrating for me too. Back in April I also wrote about the many changes of the blog design and how it somewhat had gotten out of control. But as my taste in music and food change with my mood, so does what looks and feels good. There will be future changes, it’s just how it’s gonna be.
It was a slow streaming day yesterday, but I didn’t really mind since I’ve gotten four new followers during some of my recent streams. But to my great surprise I was hosted by five different channels at the same time yesterday. Hosting means that you lend your channel to a person of your choice and broadcasts whatever they stream, you do this to help other channels grow, to get your viewers something or someone new to watch/follow and so on. Three of these are people I’ve played Diablo 3 with, but two of them are people I’ve never even said Hi to (due to never have played with them, been in their stream or seen them in mine). But I’m always grateful when someone chooses to host me and I do my best to return the favour. I seldom have my bot up and running when I’m not streaming myself so all of these have gotten onto my auto-host list so I lend my channel to theirs automatically if I’m not live myself.
We were supposed to to play a table top RPG today but as our Pathfinder GM cancelled yesterday I suddenly find myself with some extra time on my hands. But it’s another week before it’s time for my Mage group to gather so I think I’ll just put some extra time into reading up on some rules and adventures tonight. The stream is as per usual going off in about an hour as I always stream early on Fridays. But strangely I seem to be hitting the target group for Stardew Valley much better when I stream early.. 🤔
One of the more frequent tips for new streamers (or internet anythings even) is to be persistent. Even if you do have a winning concept and the most interesting idea ever, it will take time to find, connect and build something with your viewers. I’ve known this from the very start, that whatever I do, I need to be persistent and consistent if I’ll ever get something going.
Because of this I often disable the stat window on my dashboard when streaming. It helps me talk more consistently about everything and nothing and also helps me to not stare myself blind on how many watchers, followers or subscribers I have at any given moment. And it have worked pretty well to be honest.
I’m still a bit confounded that I have gotten as many followers as I have (113 at the time of writing this) but maybe even more confused over the fact that I have recurring subs and bits thrown at me. This what I wanted, no question about it, but somewhere in the back of my mind I still wonder why anyone would freely subscribe or otherwise give me their time of day. If you’re any of these people, thank you so much for your support!
I’m playing Stardew Valley again and are putting the videos up on YouTube as a service to one of my fans who have a hard time catching me live on Twitch.
The videos can be found on my YouTube channel.
At the start of next Diablo 3 season many from my clan Rift will be raising money for the non-profit charity TakeThis.
TakeThis, Inc. seeks to inform our community about mental health issues, to provide education about mental disorders and mental illness prevention, and to reduce the stigma of mental illness. – Source
Since I too suffer from a mental disorder this event felt very close to my heart. Be sure to visit our charity homepage #LevelWithACause on the 9th and 10th of November to help us help others!